Just yesterday I had three different conversations with people explaining my concerns that I have not had 'real' morning sickness yet. I think once you try so hard for a baby and have had miscarriages yourself, you start to panic when anything isn't 'textbook'. I knew it might still be early, but I didn't care. I was really, really nervous that I had only felt nauseous a couple of times, and had never vomited.
I've been telling God He could make this the worst pregnancy ever, and I'd still be happy. If anything, if I'd wake up and puke my guts out I would feel 'normal' and reassured that I am in fact, pregnant!
But nothing.
Until this morning.
I must have jinxed myself talking about it yesterday, because I woke up very nauseous this morning... I told my husband, "I may throw up!" with way too much excitement in my voice. But soon it was time to leave for work and I still hadn't had 'real' morning sickness.
Nothing.
Until about 5 minutes from work.
I swerved into the QT nearby and briskly went to the bathroom. All I had to do was see the toilet and I finally had 'real morning sickness'! I cleaned myself up and just before I could complain or celebrate, I had 'real morning sickness' again. And again. And again.
I was 15 minutes late for work, but she knew why as soon as she saw my face. Haha. She sent me home after an hour.
My mom told me to 'be careful what you wish for' and we both laughed. But really, even though throwing up sucks it was my wish. Strange how your perspective can change due to past experiences. If I wake up and throw up every day for the next 6 weeks... well that's alright with me.
I'm just asking for healthy babies.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Fear
I got frustrated continually driving over to St. Louis to have my blood drawn for HcG levels.
Now I wake up seriously bummed and concerned that I don't get to know my levels for the day.
I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant and be treated as a 'normal' pregnant woman.
Yet now I would love to demand an even earlier ultrasound.
I talk to my tummy, and my husband gives it kisses before leaving for work.
But fear strikes me often.
My mind rages with all the things that could go wrong, or things that could be wrong already. I'm thrilled beyond belief... yet I don't think I'm really feeling it all just yet. I'm terrified to celebrate. I'm beyond concerned to buy gifts. I've argued with myself on when to start decorating the nursery.
So what do you do when you're early pregnant again and fear another miscarriage? You pray. You hope. You dream. You hold on tight that the Lord loves you and will protect you.
Now I wake up seriously bummed and concerned that I don't get to know my levels for the day.
I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant and be treated as a 'normal' pregnant woman.
Yet now I would love to demand an even earlier ultrasound.
I talk to my tummy, and my husband gives it kisses before leaving for work.
But fear strikes me often.
My mind rages with all the things that could go wrong, or things that could be wrong already. I'm thrilled beyond belief... yet I don't think I'm really feeling it all just yet. I'm terrified to celebrate. I'm beyond concerned to buy gifts. I've argued with myself on when to start decorating the nursery.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
So what do you do when you're early pregnant again and fear another miscarriage? You pray. You hope. You dream. You hold on tight that the Lord loves you and will protect you.
Does it take away all the fear?
Absolutely not.
But it does get me to tomorrow.
Please be in prayer for our first ultrasound this Thursday. There is so much this appointment can hold.
Are there heartbeats?
Are the heartbeats in the right spot?
Are there two heartbeats? If not, we have lost another child.
Are the heartbeats strong and healthy?
I'm sure many of these worries are worries ANY mother may have for her first ultrasound, but I can't help but think of my last ultrasound to find a heartbeat. One beautiful heartbeat was found, but not in the uterus, and soon I had to make a decision to have that heartbeat stop. It was the most painful and traumatizing decision I have ever had to make. I would rather die than do that again.
It tears me apart to be so excited and fearful for something to come.
I can't wait for the first ultrasound! My husband has the day off, and he's going to hold my hand as we find out the two embryos have embedded and we are having twins! We'll see the little heartbeats and I'll breathe a sigh of relief. I'll go out and buy two cribs and begin the nursery decorating. Our dreams have come true.
Or... I shudder to think of the nightmare that Thursday can be. It could possibly be reliving December 7th, 2010 all over again. Heartbreaking news. Emergency surgery. A lost life and a lost hope.
My mind and heart and hope is torn in two. I'm doing my best to trust God again, but could definitely use some prayer from all of my praying friends. Thank you so much.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Odd Life
I plan to beg my husband to take me to this movie soon, but I've already teared up at the trailer.
I love it. It looks so beautiful.
Minus the burying of the box, Walter and I have talked often about what our future child my be like, may look like... It gave us hope to keep fighting.
Now that we have a little miracle growing inside my womb, it may be nice to document our 'dreaming' that kept us fighting... and before we watch the movie. Funny thing is, one thing on our list was already on theirs too!
Honest to a fault
Kind
Brown, curly hair like Momma's
Big brown eyes and full lips like Daddy
Not necessarily the 'best student' but just an all-around 'good person'
Has manners
Addresses people as 'sir' and 'mam'
Makes messes!
Has a really loud laugh that is contagious
Has their own style
Accepts others for who they are
Will try anything once
A bit of a daredevil
Likes art and basketball
Goes on plenty of adventures
A 'dog person'
Sings along to worship songs
A reader
Stands up for 'the underdog'
Enjoys Family Game Night
Appreciates working for something
Doesn't whine
No, we don't want them to be perfect. We want them to get in trouble following their heart- maybe even throw a punch and be grounded. We want them to make a mess, make mistakes, and make them again...
But most of all we want them to love life. Because he, she, or they will be our miracle.
*Update: We watched the movie and I bawled like a baby the entire time. The middle wasn't terrible, but the beginning and end I was trying not to make that heaving sound while wiping away tears. Oh my goodness, it was beautiful and showed the lives of an infertile couple very well... but it was a tearjerker (especially for a couple who has experienced years of infertility)!
*SPOILER: I'm glad our list is a bit longer!!!
I love it. It looks so beautiful.
Minus the burying of the box, Walter and I have talked often about what our future child my be like, may look like... It gave us hope to keep fighting.
Now that we have a little miracle growing inside my womb, it may be nice to document our 'dreaming' that kept us fighting... and before we watch the movie. Funny thing is, one thing on our list was already on theirs too!
Honest to a fault
Kind
Brown, curly hair like Momma's
Big brown eyes and full lips like Daddy
Not necessarily the 'best student' but just an all-around 'good person'
Has manners
Addresses people as 'sir' and 'mam'
Makes messes!
Has a really loud laugh that is contagious
Has their own style
Accepts others for who they are
Will try anything once
A bit of a daredevil
Likes art and basketball
Goes on plenty of adventures
A 'dog person'
Sings along to worship songs
A reader
Stands up for 'the underdog'
Enjoys Family Game Night
Appreciates working for something
Doesn't whine
No, we don't want them to be perfect. We want them to get in trouble following their heart- maybe even throw a punch and be grounded. We want them to make a mess, make mistakes, and make them again...
But most of all we want them to love life. Because he, she, or they will be our miracle.
*Update: We watched the movie and I bawled like a baby the entire time. The middle wasn't terrible, but the beginning and end I was trying not to make that heaving sound while wiping away tears. Oh my goodness, it was beautiful and showed the lives of an infertile couple very well... but it was a tearjerker (especially for a couple who has experienced years of infertility)!
*SPOILER: I'm glad our list is a bit longer!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Bump Update: 5 Weeks
08/24-08/30
How far along? 5 weeks
Size of baby: The size of an appleseed. Growing fast!
Total weight gain/measurements: I've already gained 3lbs since egg retrieval *blushes THAT'S embarrassing... haha
Maternity clothes: No, but I can't wait! They seem sooooo comfy!
Stretch marks: I have a couple on my tummy due to all the bloating, and raised injection sites (what a pretty mental picture!) from IVF, hoping that will be the last of them for awhile...
Sleep: Not as tired as last week, but I've started a new job and I notice I get fatigued easier.
Best moment this week: TWO more GREAT blood work results!
27dpLMP 146
29dpLMP 349
32dpLMP 2,113
Miss anything? I would give up ANYthing for this and not miss it.
Movement: More cramping. It's made me a nervous wreck all week!
Food cravings: Hate to be cliche, but pickles and ice cream! LOL
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope
Gender: Unknown
Labour signs: I've got a long way to go! :)
Symptoms: FATIGUE, sore breasts, achy lower back, cramping, feelings of nausea.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time: I've gotten a little teary this week, but I really think it's due to the stress the cramping has caused. :(
Weekly Wisdom: Ya can't please everyone when announcing your pregnancy. All you can do is be as sensitive, caring, and careful as possible. In the end, lean on your supporters.
What stereotype I Embody: Pickles and Ice Cream! Every. Night.
What I bought this week: Only bought a single onesie, but it's one with definite sentimental feelings (see if you know why!)... and I've been seriously 'window-shopping' Target! :)
What I checked off my to-do list: Cleaned up the nursery quite a bit. No more storage room!!!
Looking forward to: Our first ultrasound next week!
Week Five: Appleseeds
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
One Bad Apple
(My babies are the size of appleseeds this week and I thought I'd run with a theme! lol)
I must admit it gave me pause to really think about my decisions. Had I done the right thing? Even though she was hateful about it, did other people feel this way? What if I had caused other people pain?
I want to thank all of my amazing friends who have taken the time to get to know my heart and know what my intentions have been through our infertility, IVF, and our new pregnancy. We've been through the painful aspects of a miscarriage before, and I wouldn't wish it or anyone. I don't want to strike that fear in anyone either. Our friendship ended when she announced her pregnancy and told me I should 'run to my hubby's arms to cry'. She asked what she could do to make it less painful, and I suggested not making it 'facebook official' until 12 weeks, but told her it was ultimately her decision. She instead announced it the next day at 4 or 5 weeks. Definitely her call, but she continued to be rude and bully me into a corner. It was clear then this wasn't really a friendship at all. :(
Funny how one bad apple can ruin your thinking. I got a comment from a past 'friend' on my blog late last night and it was rude and hurtful.
After reading her comment I changed my facebook status to the following:
Facebook Status:
Had my first person ream at me and call me a hypocrite for announcing our pregnancy. I knew this was coming, but I also knew I couldn't win. Just days ago, after finding out herself, she posted about how she was praying for us and cared for us... now that's it on facebook I'm scum. Sigh. Can't please everyone.
Amanda Renken i am finding more and more it is better to not worry about pleasing everyone. just worry about what is best for you and do it. you can't make everyone else happy so no use in making yourself miserable to try.13 hours ago · · 4
Amanda Renken i know jen. it is hurtful. i am so sorry you are having to go through it. you have been through enough. i know personally i was thrilled to see the awesome news. i am so excited for you. i was so glad to see you had posted news cause i was anxious to find out.13 hours ago · · 4
Jen Wallheimer Thanks Amanda, so many were and I was so careful and tried to spare feelings... I just felt like there was no good way. I couldn't ignore people for another six weeks.
Amanda Renken no problem jen. i have learned that sometimes some people are determined to bad mouth people regardless of what they do. and that some people will say they are on your side and there for you until you need them to be and then they walk away or criticize you for doing what you need to do. life is too short to let people rob you of your joy. and i think that this is just a way for Satan to attack and steal your joy right now because he knows that you are praising God and he doesn't like that at all.13 hours ago · · 2
Amanda Renken no problem. that's what friends are for. and God knows as do you how many times you made me feel better since i met you. you have always been there for me and supported me. glad i could help return the favor. :)13 hours ago · · 2
Jen Wallheimer Just hope no one else feels like I did it because 'I act like I'm above others' or to spite anyone. :( That's not my heart people! Please message me honestly so we can talk it out if you do! :(
Amanda Renken people who know you should know better than that jen. i'll be praying that God will give you peace tonight and restore your joy. :)13 hours ago · · 2
Tim N Jamie Pender Oh well. You be happy for you your husband and your baby. Tim and I are so happy for you guys!!
Jen Wallheimer Thank you Jamie! You are too sweet! I thank God all the time for your new decision!!!13 hours ago via mobile ·
Tim N Jamie Pender Thank you so much! We are very happy with it too, like we've been searching for something and finally found it. Congratulations once again! It's so exciting isn't it? Babies really are a miracle. We wish you all the best and hopefully well be able to meet him or her one day! I'd really like to meet and get to know you! Tim likes Walter a lot, we need another couple to hang out with.
Sharon Gordon Be happy with you and the things you do. Can't please everyone. We are happy for you and I am glad you share the information on FB with us. Thank you.8 hours ago · · 1
Kesia Shelton-Miller Sweet Girl, everybody who knows you knows how long you have waited for this moment. We all know you took special care and consideration when it came to announcement time. Heck, I'm your cousin and when I hit you up on Saturday you practically ignored me because you were taking such caution in telling all of us in the manner you and Walter had prayed about and decided upon. Do NOT let anyone steal your joy; put on your happy pants and do the Happy Dance come rain, shine or naysayers! This is your party and it's your turn. Surround yourself with like-minded dancers who want to join your party and enjoy this special time. I Love You Jen, now concentrate on those babies eyes! ♥
Brooke Beasley Harms Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us!! Don't let other people bother you!! This is your time to be happy and enjoy your pregnancy!! Praying for you to have a safe and healthy pregnancy!!!7 hours ago · · 3
Daven Allen The thing is Jen, we have all been following your story and it's no secret that you did IVF. The only next step would be to announce the big news! I am so excited for you!!
Sara Renee McLaughlin Don't let it get to you, I don't understand how anyone could call you that after you clearly poured your heart out and explained everything... Besides that, you've experienced a loss previously and understand the risks- I'm happy that you are able to experience joy with this pregnancy, and are able to share that joy with others! I personally have decided to share when I get pregnant to share that joy because my baby deserves it whether my pregnancy will make it to term or not... Just me, but I believe people knowing and praying is very powerful!
Laura Motl Oh, Jenny, please don't let anyone take this moment from you. There truly is NO WAY you could have waited, we all knew you were in your 2WW and would find out for sure on Friday, and quite frankly, if you hadn't told everyone we would have known you were pregnant anyway, because there would have been no reason to delay if you were not. And on top of that, speaking as one who has prayed and prayed and prayed for you these past years, we needed to know how to continue praying, be it for your peace at another loss or for the continued health of a beautiful child or children (still praying for twins!). Sara makes a good point I had not previously thought about if Nathan and I ever get pregnant- every child deserve the power of prayerful friends and family, even if you're still in the "red zone" and still have a significant chance of miscarriage. Don't feel bad for choosing to provide your child(ren) with the backing of that prayer, or for providing yourself with the happiness of telling friends and family, a moment you've deserved for such a long time.6 hours ago · · 5
Keely Hummert Giles You are a very caring person, but you know all too well the vicious cycle of hope and despair that comes with infertility. Nothing anyone says or does makes that cycle stop when you are in it. Pregnancy announcements and births may be a convenient outlet for the anger and frustration, but the anger and frustration is there anyway.
How can you not shout, proclaim and rejoice over answered prayer? to do otherwise would be disrespectful of this incredible blessing!
We have to rejoice and appreciate our blessings. You post a lot about what a wonderful husband you have. That is indeed a precious gift! However, there are many women who have not found a mate or have one that is less than stellar. Do you worry over your comments and posts about Walter for fear of making them feel sad? I doubt it. And you shouldn't! You honor your husband and God through your expressions of appreciation.6 hours ago · · 4
Keely Hummert Giles In fact I would go so far as to say the expressions of appreciation and gratitude serve as a light to those who are struggling and hoping. God does amazing things and our testimony honors that!6 hours ago · · 4
Facebook status: Funny how one rude person can made you doubt yourself if you're doing the right thing... thanks to the tons of friends I adore and appreciate!
I want to thank all of my amazing friends who have taken the time to get to know my heart and know what my intentions have been through our infertility, IVF, and our new pregnancy. We've been through the painful aspects of a miscarriage before, and I wouldn't wish it or anyone. I don't want to strike that fear in anyone either. Our friendship ended when she announced her pregnancy and told me I should 'run to my hubby's arms to cry'. She asked what she could do to make it less painful, and I suggested not making it 'facebook official' until 12 weeks, but told her it was ultimately her decision. She instead announced it the next day at 4 or 5 weeks. Definitely her call, but she continued to be rude and bully me into a corner. It was clear then this wasn't really a friendship at all. :(
I'm so blessed by all of you who took the time to encourage me. It really lifted my spirits and affirmed Walter and I that we did the right thing. You all are a blessing for our Lord.
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