Yes, I'm sad both of my babies couldn't cling on and allow me to hold them. I'm a little disappointed I have to grieve and rejoice at the same time. I don't know exactly how to express my feelings, because I'm afraid others will misinterpret them and think I'm greedy or ungrateful.
However, how can I be sad for long when I think of our little miracle growing inside? He/she has already become more to us than anything else could ever be. Having our first good ultrasound... that actually went pretty WONDERFUL... was one of the best moments of my life.
First, we got to see our beautiful little 'sprinkle'- as I had read that was the size of our baby now. We checked my remaining tube to make sure no baby #2 was in danger, and it was all clear. At 6w2d the sac measured 6w3d and the baby measured 6w1d. The sac was in the top 1/3 of my uterus, and the yolk sac was small. All very good signs I was told.
Then, I got to actually see my baby's heartbeat flicker. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing. I couldn't help but think of the last time we saw a little heartbeat flicker on the screen, our angel Grace... Then the technician mentioned something about hearing the heartbeat! Walter and I looked at each other with surprise! We had no idea we would be able to see and hear the heartbeat so soon! Walter got my phone out and was prepared to record. There was a little struggle at first, but soon the whooshing of the heartbeat filled the room for 11 of the most breathless beats in my lifetime.
I immediately turned to look at my husband... and his reaction was even better than hearing the heartbeat for the first time. His eyes filled with tears. He had the biggest smile on his face. It reminded me of when we had the 'unveiling' done before our wedding. His face was so, so full of love for this tiny little 'sprinkle' already.
Since our ultrasound, neither of us can stop watching the recording we have. We watch it before we go to bed, he watches it before he leaves for work, we watch it when we're sad, or when we're thinking of holding our little one. A wave a relief has washed over me, and I've realized I worry about miscarriage less and less. It could be because our doctor has told us that our chance has now dropped to under 10%... or it could be just because I have faith in the little heartbeat. The heartbeat was 116. Walter calls our little one his 'squish squish' because he can't stop thinking of the great sound of our child's heartbeat.
Life is pretty good around here. I've been stressed with trying to sell the home, and money, and there's been a laundry list of life's surprises taking us a notch down... but we'll take it. We're going to be parents!
this is seriously making me sob. So happy for you two! God is so good. I feel like I love your little sprinkle too!!
ReplyDeleteAwe, thank you so much Holly!
ReplyDeleteWe keep praying for women who are longing to be mommas, and we hope those wonderful women keep praying for our little one.
I can't believe it.
When people told us it'd be 'worth it' I used to get a little mad and bitter... because I felt like they had no idea what I did and blah blah blah. But let me tell you, it's already been 'worth it' for us. It doesn't negate the pain we felt, or our losses of other lives- it never will and that will always be there- BUT it's the most beautiful, joyful, worth-while band-aid I've ever come to know. :)