inconceivable

Today marks a strange day for me. It's been unofficially long enough in which I feel a blog must be started to track the "journey" to motherhood. It's a strange day because part of me is very sad and discouraged because of the fact that I have been waiting long enough that I need to release my hurt into outer cyberspace. However, the other part of me is just thrilled to scream "Maybe it WON'T 'JUST HAPPEN'!!!" (even if I'm not technically screaming).

(Church family, don't do the calendar math here...)

For years I was on Depo Provera, and after meeting the love of my life (and after he convinced me he was after months of wooing) I got my last shot December of 2007. In March of 2008, when the shot was needed to be renewed, I was away at missionary schooling in Denver, Colorado and did not renew it. The day after I returned home, I was luckily engaged to the most amazing man I have ever met. We were engaged on March 31st, and in just enough time to tell my parents on April 1st and play some tricks.
Shortly after, my fiancée and I purchased a home that I was able to move into on June 19th of that same year. I must say at this point that we were completely silent looking at our first home for the first time- we didn't want to give the realtor any ideas! However, when we saw one of the bedrooms, we couldn't contain ourselves any longer and looked at each other in the same moment to say, "This would be an amazing nursery!" Yes, we bought that home- the first home we looked at. After an argument with his mother, and a strain on our finances, Walter moved in with me in our first home shortly after.

We lived our first year together trying to "behave", but admittedly also failing. In June of 2009 we were married and I was able to become Mrs. Wallheimer legally, even though I had felt that way for over a year.

For as long as I could remember, I was ready to be a mom. My favorite game to play as a child was "Mommy" in which all my friends would act as the most awful infant or toddler that they could, and I would have to make them behave and be happy. I had a very strong connection with my grandma as a young child, and would dream daily of growing up to be a mommy just like she was to me. It always felt strange calling her "Grandma" because I always felt like she was closer than a grandmother as she acted as my mother while my mother was away working often.

So when I was married on June 13th of 2009 I would have been thrilled to be pregnant on June 14th of 2009 (to be honest, January of 2009 would have made me just as happy). When this didn't happen, I wasn't heartbroken per say... I just say it as a few more months to think of how to decorate the nursery!

July, August, November passed... and I finally felt like a woman again that November being "blessed" by Mother Nature for the first time in years. Although it started a new hassle every month that I was used to skipping, it increase my chances by far of getting pregnant (although it is possible to get pregnant immediately after the shot's effects wears off without having a period in between, each period increases the odds).

December I started to get antsy and switched to a infertility specialist after hearing MUCH nonsense from my previous OBGYN (from infertility to PCOS to "wait it out") and going through MANY tests in which I was feeling she was just drawing out of a hat and guessing the results. He was confident he could get me pregnant, and gave me Clomid to take. At this point I was uneasy with taking prescription drugs to conceive and was unsure if this matched up with my beliefs. I felt like taking prescription drugs would be just like "playing God" and laughed at my impatience. My Lord would get me pregnant in His Timing!

January of 2010 we started Natural Family Planning. Don don don! Walter just loooved helping me take my temperature every morning at 7am. After over a month of charting, we saw almost no difference from day to day (yes, I know it should be a slight difference). However, we were seeing no pattern or peak at all, and we gave it up.

February, March, April, May...

it is now the end of May. It has been a daily struggle and almost every day contains at least one tearful moment. We do have a cruise coming up in July, and I'm positive that if it weren't for that to look forward to, I would be worse off at this moment and many others. Although I am devastated to not be "with child" right now, it will be nice to go on this cruise without the worry of what is best for baby. However, I would trade it all for a "baby makes three" package.

We are now in the process of becoming foster parents, and with a still hopeful mind we changed our limitations of 3 children to 2 foster children at a time (hoping my luck will finally do me a justice and finding myself pregnant about the time we have foster children coming into our home). We are on the road to becoming fully licensed foster parents near the end of this October (the same month Walter hoped that I would give birth). It's going to be a very bittersweet month.

For now, every month when I am visited by my monthly friend I am confused on how to feel. Should I be happy that I am becoming more regular? Or miserable that yet another month of trying has failed us? I am taking this time to get myself as prepared as possible. A crib in the room we claimed the nursery before we claimed the mortgage, a habit tossed out the window (stopped smoking January 1st of 2010, my first gift to my baby/babies), and hoping and working towards a slimming waistline to make it easier for it to e x p a n d. Being a woman is just a ball, isn't it?!! lol
Prayers are always appreciated. People have no idea what their words, or actions, or status updates does to a woman like me. A woman longing for something just out of reach, and feeling useless. My husband has just recently starting picking up on the cues that set me off (example: a few weeks ago we went to the theater to watch "Robin Hood" in which the prince was sleeping around on his wife because she could not bear him a son, and a woman like that is "no woman of honor at all". He held my hand as I started to sob 10 minutes into the movie.)

Forgive me if I block you on facebook, or can't be as thrilled for you as I should be when you announce that your child is now the size of a plum... but I have no plum, not even a grape, just a broken heart.