God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Stormy Shower

Last week I went to a baby shower. I debated all week about going, but decided it would be selfish not to attend because of my personal struggles. However, I got a little lucky that the shower fell on a busy weekend, and wasn't able to stay long. I hate being that woman: not being able to fully celebrate with others because of the intense pain lurking just below the surface. I'm going to pick up my fertility perscription tonight and start taking it.

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

"The Fast Track to Disappointment"

... is what I call my mindset on these type of days. Today it all began at the local Walmart in which I am buying Father's Day gifts for my father, father-in-law, and grandma last minute (Yes, on the day OF!). I decide to buy sweet little card I ran across for husbands on Father's Day. I know he isn't as bad off as I am, but I immediately remembered how rough Mother's Day was for me! I decide to write, "hopefully by this time next year you'll have a sweet little one in your arms instead of in your heart" inside the card as I place it into my cart. I smile at the idea, but it quickly turns into a frown. Wouldn't it be so amazing to write, "Happy 1st Father's Day" inside it instead and let him know today, of all days, that I was pregnant?! I start to think of how I would write it, and what his reaction would be, and wait... how many days am I late? Hoping to turn this dream into reality, I quickly finish my shopping and rush home. Tossing the bags on the floor I run to the bathroom (where yes, now I always have at least 2 pregnancy tests in the home...) and begin to pray.

This is what a negative test looks like.

Please keep praying.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Beneficial Disadvantage

Lately I have been doing the best I possibly can to think of the "brighter" side of officially "trying" and having "struggles" in doing so. It's pretty rough, but it is possible!
I've thought of the techniques I've learned nannying, and which ones I would still choose to use as a mother- foster, biological, or adoptive. I've thought of the women who get pregnant without having to "try" and are surprised by the best surprise on Earth... and how they seem to be in a whirlind to find the nursery theme, and find just the right accessories, putting together a crib with a large pregnant belly, and painting with swollen ankles. I should consider myself lucky because I have even LONGER than 9mo to think of the PERFECT nursery for my little one.
And yet, even just typing that made my heart break.
Personally speaking, I feel PATHETIC when I can't resist and I stand in the check out to buy a children's book on clearance or cute baby bows that are so my style for babies! I feel slightly embarrassed to already have names picked out, a crib in a closet ina room we already call "the nursey".
Now in the fostering process we have LESS than 9mo to possibly have TWO children! Possibly two older children at that! So instead of now scanning crib bedding, I must get myself aqquainted with the schools in our area, and think of all the sizes of clothing I must gather, and checking out the creepers in the neighborhood.
Sigh. This blog post was supposed to be about trying to be positive, but I have good days and bad. Right now my heart hurts, and feels so empty. Sure, I have my Lord and that is all I need. And yes, I have and amazing husband. ...But my hwart feels like the grinch's heart. Small, and not knowing how large it could possibly expand! I'm trying to grow my heart through my relationship with my Father and loving my husband more and showing it... also through ministry, and family, and self-esteem... but it feels like my true heart is just out of grasp. Can't wait to be called, "Mommy".

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Thursday, June 3, 2010

Mom Watching and Mind Wandering...

As a nanny, and a friend of many pregnant women, I find myself going a "mom watching" often. I'm sure you can piece together what this is...
Sometimes I see a mother in Walmart loosing her cool and I think of how to allow myself NOT to get to that point. I'm sure it will still happen at least once, but Walter and I tease that this is my "pregnancy stage" of becoming a foster mommy. I can help but find my mind wandering down the road of my future children - biological or not, one that looks like me or any other variety, mine forever... or just mine for a moment.
Sometimes thinking of all the possible children we could have just for a few weeks or months breaks my heart alone. However, at the same time, it's also very encouraging! Yes it will be heartbreaking when they leave our home... but most will remember us! And maybe when they grow up and have children of their own the will remember the young couple that allowed them in their home... where they nay have learned about Jesus, and felt loved and secure... and decide to meet back up with us, or even decide to foster themselves!!! I know it's a stretch, this fantasy of mine, but God does the impossible! Just think of how many grandchildren we will have!!!
Thank you to all the women out there who are mothers of inspiration! Mothers that I look at and feel hope and inspiration. Mothers that I look at and think, "I want to be like that!". Mothers that I get to visit with, and feel no jealously at all- which unfortunately has been rare lately- because they are so full of love for their children that I somehow feel like they deserve them. I know it's not my job to make that judgement, but you have no idea how hard it is longing for something so badly and everywhere you go you see it being misused, badly treated, and taken for granted. While it may not be my job to judge, thank you Heavenly Mommas not fixated on worldly things, but fixiated on LOVE.
A special shout-out to Sheila, the mother I nanny for, who was the main inspiration of this post. <3

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