God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Beneficial Disadvantage

Lately I have been doing the best I possibly can to think of the "brighter" side of officially "trying" and having "struggles" in doing so. It's pretty rough, but it is possible!
I've thought of the techniques I've learned nannying, and which ones I would still choose to use as a mother- foster, biological, or adoptive. I've thought of the women who get pregnant without having to "try" and are surprised by the best surprise on Earth... and how they seem to be in a whirlind to find the nursery theme, and find just the right accessories, putting together a crib with a large pregnant belly, and painting with swollen ankles. I should consider myself lucky because I have even LONGER than 9mo to think of the PERFECT nursery for my little one.
And yet, even just typing that made my heart break.
Personally speaking, I feel PATHETIC when I can't resist and I stand in the check out to buy a children's book on clearance or cute baby bows that are so my style for babies! I feel slightly embarrassed to already have names picked out, a crib in a closet ina room we already call "the nursey".
Now in the fostering process we have LESS than 9mo to possibly have TWO children! Possibly two older children at that! So instead of now scanning crib bedding, I must get myself aqquainted with the schools in our area, and think of all the sizes of clothing I must gather, and checking out the creepers in the neighborhood.
Sigh. This blog post was supposed to be about trying to be positive, but I have good days and bad. Right now my heart hurts, and feels so empty. Sure, I have my Lord and that is all I need. And yes, I have and amazing husband. ...But my hwart feels like the grinch's heart. Small, and not knowing how large it could possibly expand! I'm trying to grow my heart through my relationship with my Father and loving my husband more and showing it... also through ministry, and family, and self-esteem... but it feels like my true heart is just out of grasp. Can't wait to be called, "Mommy".

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1 comment:

  1. dont feel bad about buying things. We bought our crib and changing table and had the room decorated a year and a half before we got pg. About a year before I bought my stroller/carseat. I just thought it as we had the money to do it then, why not spend it on something we know we are going to need. you aren't alone. ~Erin Goebel