God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Quarter Crisis

It has been decided.

After prayer and a lot of talking with my husband... and even more time spent staring at a blank wall deep in thought... I am ready to make it official by blogging it.

I. Am. Content.

I don't need to be a mom right now. In fact, I've stopped praying about it. It doesn't have to happen right now. My life isn't a process with the next 'step'. Step One: Graduate from High School. Step Two: Go to College. Step Three: Get Married. Step Four: Make a Home. Step Five: Have a Baby ...but what now? What will I focus all that FOCUS on now that I'm not picking out nursery patterns? The answer: ANYTHING GOD PUTS IN FRONT OF ME. Some thoughts Walter and I have been thinking...

*We are in the process of cutting back to pay of the $2,500 in medical bills we have accumulated. We will NOT take another 'step' in our medical road (prescriptions, IVF, etc) until this is paid for and history.

*Walter and I plan to take music lessons together. I want to learn violin, and he wants to learn electric guitar. Hey, we may be the new Skillet. ;) If anyone has recommendations of where we could go for these, please let me know!

*Walter and I will be accepting foster children as soon as there are children available to us.

*Walter and I plan to lose 75LBS together! We are going to encourage each other, and have fun doing it. (Anyone selling a bicycle btw?)

*We are planning a trip to Rome, Italy in January of 2012.

*For the first time in my life, I am going to read the ENTIRE Bible this time. Not all of the New Testament, and give up somewhere near Numbers... lol

...and there are going to be many crazy things to follow. The feeling that God has given me is hard to explain, and I guess the best I can compare to is a mid-life crisis. I know I'm not halfway to heaven... but I could be. I could be MORE than halfway. I could die tomorrow. Grim, I know, but truth. I watched a video from a friend going through the same hurts and struggles and she said one word changed her entire outlook. That word that God gave her was ENTITLEMENT. God is teaching me the same. I deserve nothing, and who am I to tell God He can't have our daughter or that my love for Him will be ANY different with or without His blessing of a child. This is the day the Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it... and act my age. :)

I'm not 39. I know only months ago I would have punched you in the eye if you told me, "You've got time!".., but I do. I still yearn to be a mother deep in my bones, but I can wait 'til 25... okay Lord,26... okay okay okay! Lord, I can wait until Your timing. I will wait.

Instead of informing God that He has me in the wrong season of life, I am going to enjoy this season I am in. I love my husband too much to share him right now anyway. :)
A few weeks ago I signed up for a support group in the midst of my depression and shame. That support group meets tonight. I will still be going, but I think my Lord has healed me just fine. My first meeting may be my last. I can do all things through Christ, even if what I must do is simply move on. I will always love my daughter, and when people ask if I have children, I will tell them I have the most adorable little girl in heaven waiting for me. She is my treasure.
Gracie, mommy is totally happy and content if you are my only child. You, and Jesus, and Daddy are enough for me. My dear Gracie, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to realize, but I thank you.
God gives, and God takes away. When God took my daughter, He gave me a new outlook on life.

So I am going to act 24. Not counting the days and months I have been trying and NOT receiving, but counting every day as a blessing. I seem to a part of the dark story of losing Gracie; the part where in mere hours I could have lost my own life as well. Don't worry Christian friends, I'm not going to start spending every night out at the clubs or showing too much cleavage... but don't be surprised if I have teal hair or another tattoo. I'm 24. :) Life is worth living, and God has me right where I should be.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

To My Roots...

Know that some days I wake up, and am ready to answer all your questions about Gracie.
Know that some days I wake up, and I pray for God to make me sleepy still so I can sleep the day away, fearing I will be asked questions.

Know that some days I attack my 'To Do' list with determination, and pat myself on the back at the end of the day.
Know that some days when you call I act busy, when I'm really in my pajamas hiding from the world, and trying to hide from the pain.

Know that when nighttime comes, I pray for healing, and for the other women who have lost their children.
Know that when nighttime comes, I pray through grit teeth, telling/screaming/crying my anger to God.

Know that when you call, I could talk for hours.
Know that when you call, I hit ignore.

Know that I love reading your messages of encouragement/research/support.
Know that sometimes I put off reading them for days.

Know that I don't mind playing with your children or commenting on your beautiful pregnant belly.
Know that sometimes I do, and can't always meet for lunch.

Dearest Friends, in the end... Know I love you, and that it will never, ever take me long for my 'real' self to come back.
We'll go to lunch. :)
Also, I will do my very best to be there for any of your hurts and pains. I don't think I'm wrong to depend on you as well. No, that doesn't mean you are obligated to be there every time I shed a tear, or that I expect you to go out of your way... but it might mean a wet shoulder and having to give me a little extra Grace. :)

This season has taught me a lot of knowledge about the people I surround myself with. Some people have stepped up to bat, and our friendship runs deep, and will never die out. And yes, sometimes I have been disappointed. But the Lord has allowed this to touch my life, and I am doing my best to be content with it.
Thank you to those who have helped.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree.

Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come to take.

Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.

Finally, a favorite quote of mine... Something I'm still learning:
"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Before Birth

Today, maybe because of the weather, was a tough day. The only movement I made out of the house was to go with my husband to get Subway sandwiches from Wal-Mart... it wasn't long before I'm sitting in the parking lot with him, sandwiches in hand, crying for over an hour. I'm sure we gave a good show. There are some days where the pain in my heart seems to prickle and sting every feeling part of my body, inside and out. I often feel like I have lost a limb, or one of my senses, being without my daughter. This was one of those days.
My husband is so kind. He truly understands that the pain can hit at any moment, and while I hate thinking he may see me as a ticking time bomb, my love for him has grown more than I ever thought a heart could bear.

Today I got thinking... it really wasn't long ago that I was driving around in my car not only singing to the songs on JOY FM, but really LISTENING and taking in the words that made the song. I started to pray, and my prayer led into... "Lord, I want the faith that these songwriters have. No matter what it takes."
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure this was in the month of October. The same month we conceived our little girl who was lost before she was found, and who was heaven-bound from the start.
God wasn't going to just 'strike down' this faith I prayed for, He was going to give me opportunities to be faithful (yes, going 'Evan Almighty' on you, lol).
Gracie has helped me learn a higher degree of faithfulness, and has helped me love my God even more. I feel Gracie, even before she was able to breathe a single breath of this world accomplished the purpose of her creation.

Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Psalm 139:13
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb."

Friday, April 8, 2011

I'm out of 'positive pregnancy test' puns...

so I'll just say it.
Another hope-slasher today, day 41.
Not pregnant.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How Many Months Shall I Count?

Today Gracie and I have been separated for four months. I miss her more and more everyday. Sometimes I still think I'm pregnant, and that I know her so well, any day now we'll be bringing her home from the hospital.
I know it sounds crazy. Losing a child does that to you, I think.
My facebook status reads,
"Even though it is difficult for me to have you live inside my heart, and yet to still be separated from you, I will bear the pain until the day I die and I can finally hold you in my arms. It's been four months since you went to live in heaven, and I have thought of you every moment. Mom & Dad love you Gracie! Hebrews 11:5-6"
...and not like I need someone to, but not a single person has commented on it. Not a "how are you holding up?", or "praying for you today!", or not even "what the hell are you talking about?!" has been posted below. I don't want to bore all you facebookers with the woes of my life, but am I doing that already? Is four months all a woman gets to mourn the death of her unborn child? Is it because I don't know the color of her hair? Or what she smelled like? Is it because she wasn't a 'real' child, and because I'm not 'really' a mom?! Sad thing is, I've heard these things from a few people.
To be honest, I'll mourn her everyday until the day I will be with her. With or without support. ...But I also do understand that sometimes, it's time to let it go a bit too. Although a 7th of the month will never pass without me thinking of her, there will not be a "78th month apart" facebook or blog post.
I will always, ALWAYS be Gracie's mommy. And if I never have another child, then she will be enough for me. She is my treasure stored in heaven. I think of her playing with Jesus in the clouds often.