God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Sweet Messages

Sweet messages I've kept from you all, but now that I'm cleaning out my facebook, just keeping the good stuff!

Hey Jenny!

Here is that dr's office I told you that I'd read about. Scroll down to mini-IVF treatments.


In darkness and in light.

I just wanted to let you know that you guys are in my prayers as you celebrate Gracie. I wish she were here with us all so she could see just how special her parents are and how much she is loved. Happy Birthday Gracie!

I know you don't listen to country music like I do! But I think this is fitting for you! I'm so glad I met you even though our time together was short lived since I moved! You made one heck of an impression on me and I hate seeing you down (via facebook). Anyways I just wanted to share this song and tell you a story......I have a friend that was a complete party person, kind of fly on the seat type of person, didn't exactly do things "morally" but had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. So she met the man of her dreams and they accidently got pregnant so she went to her first appointment and she has enough science knowledge that she announced something was wrong before the tech even said it because she was reading the ultrasound. A month later they did an amnioscentisis and found out that the baby has Down Syndrome. She was devastated, mad, angry, how was she going to tell the love of her life that their baby had problems, like what choice was he going to give her, she was beyond scared, and on the way out to his house this song came on the radio when she was in prayer asking God to give her some guidance. She started a blog about it to document it all. She only had one choice of what to do with the pregnancy and hoped that her boyfriend would feel the same way. So they called the doctor to tell them that they were not terminating the pregnancy and would continue on. So the doctor began giving them options of what they could do with a Down Syndrome baby and different essentially orphanages they could give the baby to to raise it. She was like no this is our baby we are raising him. But this song has been her strength through it all. I hope you find a little comfort in it too! Ok! I miss you! Also, if you ever want any medical knowledge regarding options or anything please do not hesitate. Even if it is just asking about a drug. I have access to so much medical journals and results of trials. I would love to help any which way that I can. Alright take care girl! Loves!

I wanted to let you know if you ever need to talk let me know. We lost our daughter just a little over a year ago, I understand the pain you feel!

I meant to send you a note on Mother's Day to let you know I was thinking of you. I know it must have been a painful day for you. We had company in town and time got away from me in sending you a note, but you were on my mind all day.

Hey Sweetie, As you can tell I'm never on facebook but thought about you today. Check out Focus on the Family online. they had a good program on today. Don't know if it will help you or not but I knew you could relate. It's a two day program.

Happy mothers day. You have had a lot to deal with as a mom without the rewards but you are a mom. I will be thinking of you =)

don't want to make you upset or anything, but Happy (early) Mother's Day. and I hope it is happy for you in some small way.

Just got your message today and my heart hurts for you. I really feel like the Lord has put a burden on my heart for you over the last month or so, so I am taking this more personally than just a random friend going through a tough struggle.

I really wanted to speak some things over you both that I think you need to hear.

First off, there is NO GUILT whatsoever in this. This is not a result of something either of you did or didn't do and you should not EVER EVER look at it that way. This is purely an attack of the enemy on your lives and the way he wants you to respond is in guilt and condemning yourselves.

Secondly, I also want to say that this is NOT something the Lord is doing to you. You may not think that anyway, but I wanted to cover that, just in case. He is GOOD, ALL THE TIME. Again, this is an attack of the enemy. Jesus healed EVERY person that was brought to him. He NEVER turned anyone\ away. I know that it is NEVER the will of my God for something to die, especially a child in the womb.

I believe the Lord wants you to have children even more than you do. The womb is a battlefield, with the enemy wanting to steal every single child he can, either through abortion, health issues, anything. I got this revelation when we had problems during our pregnancy with Zeke. Which brings me to my next point...

I really feel like we need to specifically be praying against demonic attacks in your lives. The enemy has access to you guys for some reason, and we need to ask God to give revelation on it and then close it up. I know you didn't get to come to the Demonology and Deliverance course we hosted a couple years ago, but understanding the demonic realm is really essential, I think, in situations like this. His only goal is to steal, kill and destroy. We can ask God for protection all we want, but if the enemy as access to us for some reason (and again, this is not something to feel guilty about, almost everyone, including myself, has given the enemy some kind of access into our lives either through sin, witchcraft, and sometimes, they are even curses spoken by other people), they have legal right to be there. This may be WAY over your heads but there is a reason I am sharing all of this...

We had a couple at Goshen that had been TTC for years and she just believed that she would never be able to have kids. People had spoken it over her, including doctors, so she had almost given up. I'm not sure what they went through medically, but she decided that she really felt like there were some demonic things going on. Well, she went through some personal ministry time and prayer with some of us, and shortly after, conceived. Unfortunately, she miscarried not long after. She was totally heartbroken and felt totally lost. We got revelation that we needed to do more prayer and personal ministry time with her, and there were still some demonic things going on (she had a past that was involved with Wicca, and other things of the sort), so we cast it out, and that next month, they were pregnant again, and through the pregnancy, she had some scares, but I am so thrilled to say that she has a beautiful 7 month old little girl now.

Of course every situation is different, and I"m not at all saying I knew exactly what to do. But I know that SOMETHING is going on, and for me to just say, "Sure I'll keep praying for you" isn't enough. There is something going on in the spiritual realm that needs to be dealt with.

I don't know how you guys feel about all this, and if you think I'm crazy and don't agree, I'm okay with that. I just wanted to throw it out there because I feel as your friend, I wanted to be completely honest. I so badly want to see the Lord give you a child and give you the desires of your heart. Children are becoming less and less appreciated in our society, and I know that is NOT the Lord's heart.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think, I am still praying hard for you guys and I'm asking for revelation on how to pray and what to do. The key in all of this is to KEEP TRUSTING HIM. In spite of all our circumstances, we have to still praise Him and trust that He will bring us through. Easier said than done when you're in the situation, but our circumstances cannot define our faith. He has such big plans for you both, and the enemy WANTS to see you guys lose hope and faith through this situation so he can have his way in your lives. So stand firm against that EVIL thing and call it out for what it is.

If you want to call to chat or pray, or even want to come over together so Tim and I can pray with you guys, we would love to do that. I truly have a huge heart for you guys right now and can't wait to see the testimony that is going to come out of this situation!

And lastly, a prayer:

Lord I ask that you would bring supernatural peace, that peace that passes understanding to Walter and Jenny in this horrible time they are going through. I ask that you will help them to find joy in this struggle they are going through. Protect their minds from thoughts of hopelessness or that they are alone with no one to help. SHow them your mighty hand at work through this situation. I thank you for what awesome people they are, constantly seeking you and how they can grow to love you more. You know their hearts, Lord. Speak to them and let your will be known. We come against this horrible, evil thing that is attacking them and we say NO! We ask for healing of hearts, minds and bodies in this time. We thank you Jesus for your love, mercy and grace, and BLESS you Lord for who You are. I ask that you would give them revelation on the reality of the spiritual warfare that is going on over their lives and the lives of their children right now. We proclaim that YOU HAVE CONTROL. I pray that you protect Jenny and Walter from striving or trying to take one these burdens alone. You are the only one who can sustain us through these tough times. Thank you Lord, we praise your name no matter what our circumstances say. Comfort them as only You can. Amen.

I wanted to tell you that I saw you at Lord's Supper and you looked beautiful. The kind of beautiful that makes you stop and look for a minute...
Also, I know you are really struggling right now. And I wanted to comment on the subject of your age vs. your desire. I was 22 when Rodney and I got married...fresh out of college. I started asking for a baby on day one of our wedded bliss. For a couple years, even though we were "careful" I would secretly buy pregnancy tests and take them...hoping to be pregnant. I've always known that being a mom was something I wanted. I remember getting an email about Rod's sister expecting her third. I was so depressed about her being pregnant and not me, and I was mad because Rod wasn't "ready". So, i locked myself in the bathroom for a couple of hours and just cried.
I know what the physical pain of wanting a baby so badly feels like. I know how frustrating it can be when you want to be pregnant so badly that you can almost feel pregnancy symptoms. I just want to encourage you that your desire to be a mom is not coming too early. I'm sorry it is taking time to get pregnant and that you are experiencing all of the crazy emotions of trying. But, I am praying for you. I'm praying that you are blessed with a family soon and that God will give you a faithful patience while you wait...because, quite frankly, waiting sucks!
love ya, sister in Christ!

Hi there girlie. First, I hope you get to feeling beter soon. Second, I want to let you know I am concerned about you. You are a very caring person and want to do a lot of good...but are you overdoing it for yourself and inducing more stress...let's recap: you aren't feeling well, you are in an exercise program, taking classes to foster, cleaning anfd organizing your house on a large scale, in pain over not getting pregnant and whatever is entailed in trying to accomplish that, involved in a potential kidney donation, active as a youth leader, and a newlywed....Jen that is a LOT of stress on your mind body and soul for anyone! And that is just the "stuff" I am aware of!!!! Overdoing your mind or body or spirit will lead to a breakdown in one or all of those areas. Please understand i am not trying to be negative or bust any of your joy, just worried at how thin you are spreading yourself and want you to know I love. as a much older woman than you I have been on all sides of the spectrum in these and many more areas.....sometimes you just have to pull back on the reigns...hope you are not mad and understand my concern for you! xoxo Kathy

Monday, July 25, 2011

I'll Love You Forever

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."

...from conception until eternity.

Goodnight Grace.


I may not be able to hold you, or rock you... but sometimes I feel you holding me. I love you Grace.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Pictures I've Never Shared Before...

These are photos I've never shared with anyone really. Sometimes it helps me to look at them and remember that it all, and she, was very real. These are photos from our first 48hours knowing we were going to be parents...

Taking the first test the day before a procedure was supposed to be done, just as a "precaution"...

We couldn't believe our eyes! Late into the night we changed clothes and ran to Wal-Mart for another test... High on hope we waited...

"We're pregnant!" We fell to our knees and prayed. It was our first reaction at the time.

We were a mess from the day, but couldn't believe our new news!

We were so in love with our baby already. We called and canceled the appointment and sat in wonder.

On our way to dinner the next day to tell our parents! Keeping it in for the last 24 hours had been tough, especially with everyone calling us to ask how our procedure went.

After a day of avoiding calls and saying it went "Fine" we went to tell our parents. The first stop was his mom and dad's and then to dinner with mine. We were both glowing already, I think.

All I have left our memories, pictures, and "would have been"...
and, of course, the hope and joy of knowing she's waiting for me in heaven. :)

Gracie's Gathering

"When Walter and I first found out we were pregnant, we immediately jumped online to find our 'due date'. This came to be the only due date we would ever receive for our Grace, and although we found out we were much further alone than we thought, we decided to celebrate July 19th every year as Gracie's Birthday.
This year we are doing a balloon release for her. There will be plenty of balloons that you may write a note on to her, so we can all release them together. We will gather at 7PM, and release the balloons at around 8PM. This is the time the sun will be setting.
Please take time and come honor our Grace with us." -1st Annual Gracie's Gathering invitation

July 19th, 2011 was the day we had written on our hearts as the day we would be holding our little girl, our gift from God, in our arms. Walter and I would lie on the couch and talk and dream about it. How scared we would be, but the peace we would feel at the same time. We would probably feel unprepared, even after all this time preparing. She would be beautiful.

July 19th, 2011 was a day we instead were able to give a gift to her. True friends and family gathered to honor the little girl none of us had met, yet we all loved so much. At 8PM we released balloons. 25 for Grace, 4 for two other friend of mine who had lost babies, and one red balloon for all the other women who have felt the pain of losing their child.

I decided I was going to let it all flow. Usually, when we have get togethers, I stress about the snacks and what to wear... and everything has to be planned just so. But that wasn't my focus. I had a friend and my husband pick up pre-made snacks, and I just threw on a pair of jeans. I even kept it together when an orange and teal butterfly was found dead on my porch as I left to pick up the balloons. I picked it up and place it on a beautiful flower blooming in my yard. I knew it wasn't Grace, and I knew it was just a very unfortunate coincidence... nothing was going to ruin her day. I kept it together for her, I think... even though I knew she didn't need me to.

I had a long winded thank you in my head to say, but when I got too emotional on the third sentence I just finished there. My friends knew how much it meant, and I wasn't about to force the words to come out. I kept myself busy leading up to the moment where I just watched the balloons dance about in the sky until they disappeared over a line of trees. It was beautiful. We were scared, but were full of peace at the same time. We felt so unprepared, even after all the time spent planning and preparing...

I couldn't love my daughter any more. I am confident she knows that. I am confident that God can do whatever He wants to do in His timing. And, despite the odds, I couldn't wake up pregnant tomorrow if He called it to be. I love my Grace, and I love my God... not in that order. There are days my body aches for the violent sobs I cry, and there are day my eyes cannot stay open from the hours of lying in bed thinking of her... but I accept she's gone. Not gone forever, as I am sure she will be waiting for me the day I go Home.

Thank you for all the friends who came, or those who picked up a balloon from either our home or your local store to release. It made me feel really loved to see my friends and family gather for such a sad 'celebration'. I knew you had to put your lives and your comfortableness aside to honor my daughter, and I will never ever forget that. We had balloons released in different states, we had a friend filming, my sister was taking photos... I just appreciate and love you all. Thank you.

...more photos to come.