God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

PCOS, Poisoning, or Pregnancy?

Walter and I had pizza two days ago. It was the first time I grabbed a slice since I've been labeled with PCOS... and I've been throwing up ever since.

In the middle of the night, all hunched over, I almost was smiling as I was 'praying to the porcelain God' because there was a light bulb in my head that screamed, "*GASP* MORNING SICKNESS! Oh PLEASE God let it be morning sickness!!!"...
...then I thought, "No, you dumb idiot, it must be the new medicine you're on. You're not supposed to have carbs and you know it, and now you deserve this sickness... but don't get excited. It is definitely NOT because you are pregnant *insert evil laugh here*"... but I've eaten carbs once before this and I wasn't this way?
...Did I have food poisoning?! Well, no, or else my husband would be right next to me in the same manner (EW), but he is soundly asleep. I know he's a big and tough man, but food positing knows no pride does it?

The worst part of infertility (besides the schizophrenia running through your head all day, second-guessing EVERYthing) is that with all those thoughts you're taken on this rollercoaster of HELL. For a 'planner' like me, that means re-planning your entire life about 16 different times in about 30 minutes... and sometimes you're just too busy cleaning yourself up to lose the hope you carry around with you.

Friday, March 25, 2011

No Crying Over Spilled Blood...

In this process, let's just say I've had my blood drawn once or twice... I go to Quest Diagnostics, here in Collinsville, and always get the same woman. She recognizes me, from my highs and lows and the hundreds of blood tests she has to do to me... and I'm assuming because of all the work I've made her do (or maybe it's just her normal disposition) she is unbelievably rude and cold to me. Most the time I don't care, but sometimes all I pray for is just a smile with all I'm dealing with. I can't even begin to imagine the difference a smile would make. I have NO problem with needles or blood, yet dread coming EVERYtime because of her.
I just finished having my blood drawn for the (honestly, I've lost count) time, came out to my car, and cried.
Lord, please help me be strong enough to be a light for her. Help her realize she's dealing with fragile people, and sometimes all we need is a welcoming 'hello!', smile, or wave to save us from tears in the parking lot.
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Thursday, March 24, 2011

I have PCOS; It Doesn't Have Me!

I just ran on the ellpitcial for the first time for this entire video.
I'm proud of it. Give me a break, I'm out of shape and already exhausted.

I Would Die For That

10% Suffer

I hear of ONE woman having PCOS before I was diagnosed and nothing else...
Now speaking out for myself, a lot of women I know are coming out of the woodwork with their "me too!"... not offense, but where were you before?! What are you doing for PCOS awareness if you're a victim, friend, or lover of someone suffering?
I'm sure it's also partly me... just reading a magazine today I played a 'game' on the cause of hair loss. You know the type, answer yes go to this box, if no go to this box until the end... this was my ending box...

Have I just not had my eyes open? Have my ears been deaf? Of am I the only one speaking out for awareness on this diagnosis that possibly ONE IN TEN WOMEN SUFFER FROM...?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Where to begin...? No really, where do I begin?!

The only experience I had with PCOS (or so I thought) before my diagnosis was that an old friend from our last Bible study had PCOS, and later had IVF as well.
Now as I read so many things in my life are making more and more sense...
(As embarrassing as this all is, I feel like it's time to Take A Stand for PCOS)
*Since my senior year, I am constantly rubbing my lip, dreading that someone will see that I have a LOT of hair on my upper lip. I was also teased for having a 'happy trail' as well. I use a Finishing Touch (aka my LIFESAVER!) to trim and help myself looking and feeling like a 'normal' woman... It wasn't until recently I also noticed that I was growing hair on my neck, around my nipples, and jawline. For me, this is the most embarrassing (thus far) symptom of PCOS.
*After college I gained about 50-60lbs. I thought it was from dating my now-husband, and being treated to so many dinners out, etc. but now I have found it was also a symptom of PCOS.
*I've always lost a lot of hair, but so did my momma. I thought it was normal, until I started noticing that I was loosing more and more. My hair isn't as thick as it used to be. If I don't get healthy, I could lose A LOT more.
*Sometimes Walter and I would do out to eat- to one of my favorite restaurants- and I'd eat one of my favorites like fettuccine alfredo... only to come home and snack. I was so embarrassed to be hungry again already, but I just couldn't seem to help it! Afterward, I was immediately exhausted. I have been down on myself for so long for being 'fat and lazy', and I'm not looking for an excuse, but these are also signs of PCOS and Insulin Resistance.

However, it seems like the more I learn the more confused I am. The internet is great for looking up information, but I am also overwhelmed. It seems like I have opened up Pandora's box and just barely scratching the surface.

Please be in prayer with me for the right direction, and not be consumed with all the 'what ifs' that come with PCOS.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Biggest Loser

To aid in my goal of loosing 25lbs before June 1st, I have started a friendly 'Biggest Loser' challenge with my three best friends. The rules are to check it with each other every other Thursday, and to share our goals and to keep each other accountable. I'm so very excited to lose this weight (to hopefully, gain it back- only with baby, not with fat! lol)!

This is our first weigh-in photos, wish us luck! (Me most, of course!)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Lamentations 3

17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Baby Makes Three (but won't be free!)

This morning I received a call with some results. Our insurance request was denied officially, and not even a dime of IVF will be covered- not even the consultation we had yesterday. My heart sicks. Although my mother has offered to pay for the most of it... it's added pressure I don't need, and it's a lot to ask. I never knew the 'baby makes three' dream would come with a large price tag BEFORE diapers... I thought it would be, you know, FUN... not $15,000.

This afternoon I received a call with some results. The blood work I did yesterday is good... except for one small part. My potassium is way elevated. 'What could cause that? Diet? Seems strange to me..." I ask and wonder, and then I hear "high potassium can show a blocked tube... we'll need you to re-take these test in a week. If the levels are still high... we may need to um, look at the remaining tube."

Some days it seems like I can't catch a break...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

a Pretty Cool Opportunity Soon?

I had my first IVF consultation with our doctor today. Sitting there in the office, with mom to my right and husband to my left (finally be able to meet our new doctor after a shower and with some make-up on), I felt confident. This meeting was full of hope, not full of dread like the surgery and the follow-up. I was nervous, still not quite understanding what is done in In-Vitro Fertilization. Sure, most people know is where egg and sperm get pushed together in a petri dish... but I needed step by step... did it follow my morals? What about my husband's? Knowing this could be the appointment to crush the dreams of pregnancy or be the first step to it was a roller coaster.
She didn't rush me. That's why I love our doctor. She answered all my questions- and didn't lead on if they were dumb or not. lol. She also waited patiently for my husband and I to nod when we understood, and gave me a minute when I started to tear up. She even didn't mind my mom's questions and her scribbling down in her notebook. She knew my mom would be paying most of the bills, if we decided to go through this... yet she put all the papers in front of my husband and I first. It's the little things, you know? Oh, and she also drew pictures, which is great for visual types like myself...

I am the only person I know that has a drawing of a uterus in her purse.

For those of you who are wondering, here is a bite-sized list of what we talked about in our meeting.
*Although I have been on Clomid and Femara previously, they were under other doctor's orders. She is frustrated, like me, how the other doctors handled the fertility treatments and is not convinced I even ovulated on them.
*Due to symptoms we've discussed and the tests taken, our doctor is confident to say that I have PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome)- which not only hurts my fertility, but causes a list full of other scary symptoms and warnings as well.
*Along with PCOS, I am also Insulin Resistant, which usually comes hand-in-hand with PCOS. In most cases, a woman is not sure which comes first, but more than not the other is to follow is not treated quickly. This means when I eat certain foods, such as simple carbohydrates, my insulin must spike way higher than normal. Leaving me exhausted and hungry again an hour later, because of the spike I have lower sugar than normal.
*Despite the fact our doctor feels the Clomid was used incorrectly, she believes we have 'been through enough' and has approved us for IVF!

After our consultation we wanted to get proactive! I bought a book to understand my past (PCOS), our present (Preparing for Pregnancy), and our possible future (IVF).

With the questions answered, I'm feeling much better about IVF. She wrote us a perscription for Mertphormin, hoping to regulate my insulin spikes. This drug, paired with diet and exercise, may help fix the issue and help me conceive on it's own. However, we are giving it one month to work myself up to 2,000mg a day and then moving on the IVF path. At this rate if everything goes well, we are looking at undergoing the IVF procedure in JUNE!

This puts the ball back in my court. My goal is to loose 25lbs by June 1st. I must monitor my carbs very closely, and am also cutting back on sugars and sodas. Hoping to start off with walking my dog, and then easing into at least 1 hour work out per day. If you see me, keep me accountable! :)

Please be in prayer for my nausea to do away on a daily basis, for my health, and for God to lead us down HIS path to having children in our home, NOT OUR OWN.

Women with PCOS are at risk for the following:
-Endometrial hyperplasia and endometrial cancer (cancer of the uterine lining) are possible, due to overaccumulation of uterine lining, and also lack of progesterone resulting in prolonged stimulation of uterine cells by estrogen. It is not clear if this risk is directly due to the syndrome or from the associated obesity, hyperinsulinemia, and hyperandrogenism.
-Insulin resistance/Type II diabetes. A review published in 2010 concluded that women with PCOS had an elevated prevalence of insulin resistance and type II diabetes, also when controlling for body mass index.
-High blood pressure
-Depression/Depression with Anxiety
-Dyslipidemia - disorders of lipid metabolism — cholesterol and triglycerides. PCOS patients show decreased removal of atherosclerosis-inducing remnants, seemingly independent on insulin resistance/Type II diabetes.
-Cardiovascular disease
-Weight gain
-Acanthosis nigricans (patches of darkened skin under the arms, in the groin area, on the back of the neck)
-Hair loss
-Autoimmune thyroiditis

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?

Have you ever heard of this expression? All the times I've heard it used it's been related to premarital sex, as in: Why get a wife (the cow) when you've already made love (the milk)?
No. I don't think premarital sex is God-honoring or is the right thing to do... but I also believe there comes a time [sometimes!] before the wedding day that you are already married in each other's hearts. I know I could be starting some arguments here, but hear me out... In biblical times did they have to sign a marriage license? Fill out all the paperwork? Wait for the blood tests to come in?
Now, before the preteen in all of us say, "Well, I thought I was in LOVE a thousand times before I met The One" and before the adults in us say, "That's just an excuse for bad behavior", let me clarify. No, just because you think you're in love means you should have sex. No, just because you're engaged doesn't mean it's time to get it on. However, Walter and I (as bias as I am) were different. While I lived out of state as a missionary, he funded everything for months. The day I returned he allowed me to move in with him in his bachelor pad while we immediately started looking for a home. We got engaged the very next day of my return. At this point, we already had joint banking accounts, and didn't make a decision without the other. (Heck, we even had matching tattoos! lol) We were fully and whole-heartedly pledged to one another- otherwise I'm not sure we would have made it to the wedding day! :) Just kidding! But in all seriousness, I knew Walter was the one. I had been in failed engagements before, and I knew this was for the long haul. 'Come What May' - we took from my favorite movie. Meaning, to us, NO MATTER WHAT.
Do I recommend living/sleeping together before marriage? ABSOLUTELY NOT. We went through a lot of trials and hardships I think we could have saved ourselves from otherwise. But would I change it at this point? No. I think God has blessed our marriage and our relationship, while we admittedly acknowledge our sin, and has taken our turmoil and produced a couple that can come to a solution faster than any couple I know (again, bias, but I'm pretty sure of it!).
I know my Lord loves me, because He gave me the perfect daily reminder of His love, by giving me a husband I adore. A husband who can deal with the chaos we're in better than no other. A man who doesn't pour the guilt on when we receive multiple medical bills a day addresses to a woman who doesn't have 'a job'. A man who makes me laugh, even when I feel like only Jesus Himself can pull me out of my darkness.

Thank you Poopy (yes, that is his nickname from me! lol) for enduring your pain AND my pain as if it were your own... and for loving the cow (me, overweight from all the trials), even when I can't give milk (a baby).

For Those of You Who Need the Facts:

Here is the wiki explanation to an ectopic pregnancy.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Counting My Blessings

I have a roof over my head, and it is a home that overall I do adore. My biggest con in this home is having too much clutter... when in the end, doesn't that just show all the extra God has blessed me with that I can bless others with? :)

My husband is the best man I know, other than Jesus Himself. I feel true joy when I see him or am near him. We love spending time together, and have a pretty amazing marriage.

I have good friends. I may not have them in numbers, but I have them in quality... and through my struggles of TTC I am gaining them in numbers AND quality day by day.

I have hobbies that I get excited to do! Scrapbooking, reading, blogging... and I, for the most part, can carve time out to do them whenever I want.

I am part of a church and church family that encourages me and challenges me with EVERY visit. Even the visits to just pick something up, etc. God always sends something/someone to change me.

I have parents, and siblings, and parents-in-law, and siblings-in-law that I do love. The communication may not always be there, but I would do anything for any of them.

My body, while not being 'perfect' in my mind, is strong and healthy. I can always lose the weight I dread, and I can always privately sneer at those stretch marks... but I have arms and legs and insides that are a blessing to my life.

I have unconditional love in my dog, although her barking may drive me crazy, I must admit I do love her. (My bunny, Nooma, too!)

My 'jobs' are not something that forces me to dread the next day. I do laundry, I sell make-up, I care for adorable kiddos, I sell purses, I scrub the dishes... honestly, I love it all! Either serving my husband, having fun with kids by being one myself, or having fun with with girls in Mary Kay or Thirty-One, I am in LOVE with what I do.

I must mention our finances- although it's hard to mention without coming across snotty... We are able to afford what we must, and gift ourselves with most of what we want. We are blessed.

Being able to love where we're serving is also a huge benefit to our lives. Through our church we lead small groups for high school kids, I am able to be a part of our Stage Design team, and we are able to be a host home to a 20Somethings small group that we have made lifetime friendships.

I have a daughter, who I love. A daughter who I was able to give her eternal life before the pain and the hurt of this life could touch her. She is perfect.

My faith will never leave me nor forsake me. My Father is always there- even through my roller coaster of anger and love and hurt and joy... He is there with arms wide open.

There you have it! Thirteen (you know I had to do 13...) blessings that I take for granted daily, and that I am going to make an effort to not do so any longer.
Lord, I know you are taking care of my Gracie better than I could have ever done (though it's hard to admit) and I thank You for doing so. Kiss her on the forehead for me. You know we Wallheimer's do that to show our deepest love.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

WANTED: Daily Pep Talk

This morning I got to spend time with a kiddo I watch from time to time. He is almost 3, and I love seeing him grow and learn. He is now learning to go to the potty on his own, learning new words, and new ways to express himself. Sometimes I just sit and watch him, amazed and in awe of how quickly he is growing. However, don't tell him that! So often my lil' man gets frustrated when he can't zip his jacket, or when he can't reach the counter top. I know his frustrations are silly, because I can see the great kid he is growing into! However, he is just not growing at the speed HE wants to....
I'm sure God looks at me the same way.

While at the grocery store, he and I were looking for our items and playing games in the aisles as I got a phone call from a good friend wanting to stop by. This friend, having babies herself, found some time to stop by and see me through the chaos that is her own life. Why? Well other than her obvious love for me... ;) I think she wanted to give me a pep talk. She is a wonderful friend, and also an amazing facebook and blog stalker. <3 Thank the Lord for her! Literally. I so needed some time with her.
In the short time we had (just over a half hour to chat) she totally let me vent and picked me back up before she had to go. She told me how she loved the woman I was growing into through this rough time, and how even though neither of us knew where I would be in 5 years, that she had faith that God was going to do something great in my husband and I and our future family. I laughed, and told her how much easier it would be if I could just catch a glimpse of where we would be in 5 years! If I could just SEE the kiddos art projects on the wall, and the tiny shoes by the door, and the bottles and diapers and frazzled faces of my husband and I... if I could just SEE them for one second, it would be so much easier to be patient, to trust, and to lean on God. ...But that isn't being patient, trusting, or leaning on Him at all, is it? She so sweetly smiled. My friend is so very wise.
"I remember the years of college in which I had to go through so much heartbreak to find the man that I was going to spend my life with..." she begins, "...so many of my friends miss those years, but I wouldn't go back. I was growing, and it was so painful. I'm thankful I went through the times- it prepared me to be the wife I am to my husband- but I would never go back." she says with a laugh. I immediately am reminded of when Walter and I first met. We both laugh, we know where this is going... She continues, "If 5 years ago I would have had a glimpse of where I am now, I would have said 'NO WAY God! I can't do that!' I had no idea who He planned for me to marry, or for Him to give me children so early in our marriage..." She knows I feel the same way.

*FIVE YEARS AGO (March of 2006):

*I wasn't even out of high school for a year, and I was still struggling through finding my way through my college campus.

*I smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, and all those other idioms...

*I was going to school for Mass Communications, for I wanted to be in Advertising, and sell the 'American Dream' to unsuspecting buyers. I loved the idea of almost 'tricking' people into digging their own demise of debt. I wanted to be an independent women, and stand on my own feet. I was a woman who wanted to be the BOSS of my job, my husband, and any future children I had. I wanted to be a woman no one would mess with- this included having multiple employees under me, having multiple cell phones in which I could fire said employees on a whim, and living in a big city apartment as close to a Starbucks as possible.

*I was dating a man who I ADORED, and who was EXACTLY my type -tall and super thin, quiet and reserved, good style, attractive, and a man I could manipulate.

*I was in my very FIRST MONTH of being saved, and attending a church that I thought was a little too 'commercial' to be a real church. I teased the church my boyfriend had coaxed me into attending, and it's coffee shop and rock band.

*I was 'homeless', living on my boyfriend's couch when his brother wasn't staying at the apartment. I had everything I owned at the time in a small Wal-Mart bag that I hauled from his house, to friend's houses that would let me stay for a night. I was desperately looking for a job I could walk to, still attend classes, and spend time with the boyfriend I was obsessed with. An apartment of my own seemed like a crazy dream.

*GROWING PAINS (March 2006- March 2011):
These five years now seem to have passed like the blink of an eye... but looking more closely, they have been a very long and painful 5 years.

*After getting a job that very same month it seemed impossible, I moved into an apartment when I woman I had never met in March of 2006- I was plainly excited for a room of my own. I bought my car back from my parents as well. God really grew my faith in finances that month when I earned exactly what I needed. He continued to provide, and I moved into a bigger apartment of my very own. Later, I had a roommate move in that I had only met once. I was able to later lead her to Christ as well.

*The man I was dating (who I was now engaged to), although he seemed to be exactly my type on the surface, deep down he had plenty of his own issues he needed to deal with. In November of that same year, just one month after getting engaged, we got into an argument and he beat me black and blue. At this point, I felt to be at a fork in the road... luckily, I choose the road that threw me deep into my faith. Otherwise, I honestly would not be here today.

*One month later, God was really digging in deep and I felt like I was NOT going to be in advertising. God really weighed down hard on me about the Christian lifestyle, and I left my college classes completely dependent that God was going to provide. I vowed to date Jesus for one year, and to not date another man in that time period. This year was a time of great growth, and one of my favorite years of my life thus far. At the end of this year, I decided to date a man who had been pursuing me for a few months, although he was NOT my 'type'. He wore basketball shorts everyday, he had a TERRIBLE haircut, and always tried to be the funny guy... but truth was, he was just weird.

*After just a few months of dating him, I moved to Denver, Colorado to attend a missionary school that I felt God led me to. I now know God lead me to this school just to teach me what my 'type' of man SHOULD be. During this time he recommitted his life to Christ and really spent time with Him. I came home early from my schooling, and got engaged the very next day to this man who was so 'odd'... but also so very kind, loving, honest, patient... Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but someone who fears the Lord is to be praised. THIS was the 'type' of man I was to be with. Not someone who cared about style, but a man who could be good to the woman he loved.

*Married blissfully, we own our own home and life is pretty perfect for us other than we have no child to share our overflowing love with... but how can I EVEN IMAGINE where these next 5 years will take me?!

So I've decided I need a daily pep talk! lol :) Anyone wanna pick a day of the week to call me and give me a 15 minute pep talk, stop by for a tight hug, or shoot me a long-winded text? You would be surprised how much difference those 30 minutes of positive, strong, God-minded chatting changed my entire perspective today. Thank you, friend. <3 I so needed that cry, hug, and encouragement.
Sitting here, blogging immediately after you left, I'm actually singing along to the worship songs on the radio. I feel a small shine of hope through the masses of despair, hopelessness, and loneliness. Words cannot express the love I have for you, my cherished friend.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for not letting me a glimpse of who I am today 5 years ago because I know I would have begged you otherwise. I would not have ever imagined to be in my own home, and dependent on my husband as a *GASP* housewife! BUT I ADORE IT! I love my husband more and more every day, and now looking back, I can't think of ONE person in my entire life more suited for me. No other man would have been able to deal with my 'bad days' like he does. He picks me up, and makes me thankful of what I have. He makes 'good' days the best days of my life and makes my life a total JOY- with or without children. I have plenty of blessing and favor in having him alone! Thank you Lord Jesus, for sending my good friend to give me the perspective re-adjustment I so desperately needed. I fear going to bed tonight, for I never know the woman I will wake up to be anymore... but I trust that You will pull me through- either through a pep talk from a friend, a song on the radio, having some time with my husband, or just anything to help me to remember to COUNT MY BLESSINGS.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


An article I read today:

"With the loss of a parent you lose the present and the past," she says. "With a miscarriage, you lose the future."

I loved it, and couldn't let it go unpublished in this blog.

Insomnia Hits Again: Looking Back on Encouragement

For some reason, it has been very hard for me to find sleep this week. Instead of sitting awake tonight aching over every detail I feel like I have failed in when it comes to my pregnancy and my daughter in heaven, I decided to look back at some amazing messages I have saved that I have gotten from some readers of my blog...

"I wanted to tell you that I saw you at Lord's Supper and you looked beautiful. The kind of beautiful that makes you stop and look for a minute...
Also, I know you are really struggling right now. And I wanted to comment on the subject of your age vs. your desire. I was 22 when I got married...fresh out of college. I started asking for a baby on day one of our wedded bliss. For a couple years, even though we were "careful" I would secretly buy pregnancy tests and take them...hoping to be pregnant. I've always known that being a mom was something I wanted. I remember getting an email about [my husband's] sister expecting her third. I was so depressed about her being pregnant and not me, and I was mad because [my husband] wasn't "ready". So, I locked myself in the bathroom for a couple of hours and just cried.
I know what the physical pain of wanting a baby so badly feels like. I know how frustrating it can be when you want to be pregnant so badly that you can almost feel pregnancy symptoms. I just want to encourage you that your desire to be a mom is not coming too early. I'm sorry it is taking time to get pregnant and that you are experiencing all of the crazy emotions of trying. But, I am praying for you. I'm praying that you are blessed with a family soon and that God will give you a faithful patience while you wait...because, quite frankly, waiting sucks!"

"Hey guys,
Just got your message today and my heart hurts for you. I really feel like the Lord has put a burden on my heart for you over the last month or so, so I am taking this more personally than just a random friend going through a tough struggle.
I really wanted to speak some things over you both that I think you need to hear.
First off, there is NO GUILT whatsoever in this. This is not a result of something either of you did or didn't do and you should not EVER EVER look at it that way. This is purely an attack of the enemy on your lives and the way he wants you to respond is in guilt and condemning yourselves.
Secondly, I also want to say that this is NOT something the Lord is doing to you. You may not think that anyway, but I wanted to cover that, just in case. He is GOOD, ALL THE TIME. Again, this is an attack of the enemy. Jesus healed EVERY person that was brought to him. He NEVER turned anyone\ away. I know that it is NEVER the will of my God for something to die, especially a child in the womb.
I believe the Lord wants you to have children even more than you do. The womb is a battlefield, with the enemy wanting to steal every single child he can, either through abortion, health issues, anything. I got this revelation when we had problems during our pregnancy with [our son]. ... The key in all of this is to KEEP TRUSTING HIM. In spite of all our circumstances, we have to still praise Him and trust that He will bring us through. Easier said than done when you're in the situation, but our circumstances cannot define our faith. He has such big plans for you both, and the enemy WANTS to see you guys lose hope and faith through this situation so he can have his way in your lives. So stand firm against that EVIL thing and call it out for what it is."

"Lord I ask that you would bring supernatural peace, that peace that passes understanding to Walter and Jenny in this horrible time they are going through. I ask that you will help them to find joy in this struggle they are going through. Protect their minds from thoughts of hopelessness or that they are alone with no one to help. SHow them your mighty hand at work through this situation. I thank you for what awesome people they are, constantly seeking you and how they can grow to love you more. You know their hearts, Lord. Speak to them and let your will be known. We come against this horrible, evil thing that is attacking them and we say NO! We ask for healing of hearts, minds and bodies in this time. We thank you Jesus for your love, mercy and grace, and BLESS you Lord for who You are. I ask that you would give them revelation on the reality of the spiritual warfare that is going on over their lives and the lives of their children right now. We proclaim that YOU HAVE CONTROL. I pray that you protect Jenny and Walter from striving or trying to take one these burdens alone. You are the only one who can sustain us through these tough times. Thank you Lord, we praise your name no matter what our circumstances say. Comfort them as only You can. Amen."

"Hey Hun! I hope you are well. I just got done reading your blog about your baby. I am so sorry. I know that the last thing you want is to be reminded of it. As I was reading, I felt like I was reading an insert out of a book, and I had to stop myself and face the reality that this actually happened and that it happened to you.
You're probably wondering my point in all of this. Well, because of my endometriosis and constant cysts on my ovaries, my chances for a pregnancy like that are very high and it scares me. I know that I am not even married yet and the prospect of children is still a long way down the road, but I still think about it often. I always wonder if it is a risk I would be willing to take.
Anyway, know that prayers are coming your from the other side of the world. You are so strong. I admire you so much. I remember when you didn't know God and to see how he has transformed you is such a strong testimony. Now, to see how strong you are even after all of this is an even bigger testimony. I know that it is hard, and I know what it feels like to be so heartbroken on the inside but trying to keep a strong face on the outside. I don't know what it is like from your specific circumstance, but I do know the feeling.
So know that I am praying for you and Walter. Let me know if you need ANYTHING!"

"I just read your blog post and my heart goes out to you. I remember all too clearly the terrible roller coaster of emotions that accompany struggles with infertility and the heartbreaking loss of a baby. Our circumstances weren't exactly the same but we lost 3 babies. Your blog so accurately describes the deep pain, terrible frustration and anger. It is such a ugly cycle of saddness, despair, frustration, anger, and then embarrassment/ shame which then starts the saddness all over again.
Unfortunately, I can't share anything that will take the pain away or make it any easier. The truth is you have to just feel it and live with it and work through it. It sucks and it's not fair, but you have to make this journey.
I remember venting my anger at everyone who so easily gets pregnant and those who seem to have baby after baby only to go on and mistreat them to my mom who listened patiently until I said, "Why me?" "Why not you?" was my mom's reply. She went on to point out that everyone has challenges and struggles and that maybe this was mine. She also pointed out that it could be worse, that there are others suffering in far more tragic ways. Of course, that is not at all what I wanted to hear! But she was right.
So then I started to ask God to help me to gain insight. I asked for His guidance and grace. I also stopped trying to make sense of it. Because I was never going to figure it out. We decided to sponsor a child in Brazil through Christian Children's Fund. And of course, I kept praying for a baby. I asked Him to lead the doctors in the right direction and asked Him to help me set a time table on when to just change the plan to adoption. I prayed so much that I started to wonder if I was bothering Him!
...people just don't know how to act, what to say or how to provide comfort. And they sometimes say things that actually make you feel worse! Try to remember that they want to be helpful-- they have good intentions! ...it is often through our grief that we find we really grow and change as a person. Of course in the dark times we usually don't think, "Wow, I am really growing here!"
It does get better. I am certain you and Walter will be parents! Whether you give birth or adopt, I know God would'nt place such a nurturing heart in you without a plan for its use!
One day you will look back on this time and remember the pain, appreciate who it has made you become, and you'll use it to help others. Until then, you remain in my prayers...."

"I just want to tell you - I just read your blog. Although I havent gotten pregnant and lost a baby. We are having serious trouble conceiving a child. I just want you to know I understand your feelings and hurt. I HATE seeing FB people with all their pregnancy stories and announcements. I hate not being able to feel joy for others and their wonderful circumstances. I ask myself what did [my husband] and I do wrong? Why cant we have a baby?
Anyway - I dont want to go on a rampage but I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and I am here if you want to talk."

Thank you to my five amazing friends who sent me these messages. Know I keep these locked and wanted to put them on my blog to have them forever. It is these messages that cheer me up in rough times. I have read them each numerous times this week.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Can't Sleep. Round Two.

Even though I've already posted two blogs within the last few hours, I cannot sleep and cannot make my mind stop racing of the thoughts of my Grace. Here are some; hopefully getting them out there in inter-space will ease my mind and give me a small chance at rest before midnight.

Guilt: Why wasn't I thinking?! Why didn't I ask for our baby's remains?! Now I know she was tossed out with other medical garbage and incinerated. NEVER to be seen by her mother or father or given proper burial grounds. Never to be visited and remembered by a memorial.

Anger: Why wasn't I given time to go to God?! Why wasn't I given time to even pray?! Within an hour of finding out something was wrong, I was being put under to have surgery. Within two hours I went from peaceful, pregnant mother nesting to a woman unconscious after having her child ripped out of her! I know life is not fair, but how could my God do this to me?!

Bitterness: Why are you answering the prayers of others, Lord? Why does it feel like you cannot hear me? Why do I feel so unbelievably alone here? Why have you forsaken me?!

Shame: My husband is so unfortunate to have this broken shell of a woman. Not only a woman who cannot seem to conceive, and a woman who let his baby girl die, but a woman who cannot watch a diapers ad on TV without crying. This poor man is haunted like I am by pregnant women, baby shower invitations, the baby aisle... and so much more.

Hatred: The cost for IVF, adoption, and all my other options make me sick. The things people say when they don't know what to say belittle me. The bills keep coming, why should I pay for having my child ripped from me?! Really, really?!!

Loneliness: No one wants to talk to me. Everyone just wants to yell their advice and consul at me as they run on with their daily lives. I don't need that. I just need to talk. I just need hugs. I want you to cry with me. I want you to try to understand, and not shift so awkwardly. I know I am asking for too much, because I'm not sure if I could understand if I were you either. I hate understanding and knowing and feeling what I do, where are all the women this has happened to?! Where is the shoulder I can cry and cry and cry on?

Hopelessness: The chances are slim. The "what if's" keep me up at night. I know God can provide miracles, but sometimes it seems like even He cannot provide for me now. I'm praying Lord! I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm praying... am I praying for a miracle You will not grant?


Love: So much love for my little baby girl in Heaven. More love than I have ever felt in my life for many, especially for someone who I haven't got to meet yet. So much love for her daddy, the man who has been my hero and my sanity through all of this.

A Day of a Broken Woman in the Media

Proposed Law: Women get death if they miscarry

Woman being implanted with wrong embryo

I Would Die For That

Infertility Is...

Solitary Sadness

Depression Kills Hope

Some nights I plan to wake up, take a nice hot shower, wake up and shake these feelings off me to start an AMAZING day in this world! ...and then I wake up... I feel... lost. hopeless. tired. angry. annoyed. jealous. bitter. ...depressed.
Yesterday was three months since Gracie has been in heaven. I feel like I just published my two month update. Time is flying by and I am without her. No one ever told me that sometimes the "baby [who] makes three" would still leave our big and empty home with just the two of us. My would-of-been due date is fast approaching and I'm left with just scars of the baby I was supposed to hold. Physically and mentally. I was robbed. I have been robbed of ever holding her, and truly showing her how much I loved and wanted her. I am left with a 'would-have-been' picture in my mind of her, with her 'would-have-been' personality and traits, with our 'would-have-been' mother-daughter relationship. Now I sit, with tears streaming, talking to the sky above wondering who she really would have been.
I have been wanting to blog again for awhile... yet, I haven't. I feel like instead of time healing this wound, that everyday life is digging it's heels into my pain. Deeper, and deeper, and deeper still.
There's really no happy ending to this blog. Yet another reason I've been finding it hard to keep you updated. There are no answers. Just another truck full of questions... Please be praying. I'm trying my best to hold it together, and I think I have most of you fooled.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Mental Heath & Mommyhood Help

It got to be too much. Thinking of Grace, missing her, trying to make a step towards our future decisions, the guilt, the commments... I needed a vacation. A vacation to relax, think of my daughter without all the crazy stigma, and to be with someone who understood. I mentioned this vacation to a good friend of mine who lost a son at 4mos. into her pregnancy, and expected it would take awhile for an answer to come. Instead she said "Let's do it!" almost before I could get the words out- she had her own drama going on and jumped at the chance. So the date was set, just two weekends out.
This past weekend was our Mental Health weekend in Memphis, TN. We spent Friday driving there, getting massages and facials, and chatting away. Saturday was our day of shopping, getting a mani-pedi, having our hair done, and eating out at my favorite fancy restaurant The Melting Pot.
Sunday we came home- full from a weekend of pampering, nice meals, laughter, and healing tears- so I could go to an adoptive mommies group a friend had invited me to.
After a weekend of getting back in touch with reality, I feel like I know the direction my Lord is leading me in. Adoption. Truth is, I didn't know where to start! My husband and I are also still needing a good chat to get caught up with where this weekend led me. However, he has told me his decision. He decision is to go where my heart is. He just wants to be a daddy- adoptive, foster, biological, black, white, jewish, indian, asian... they're not on his mind. Just 'daddy'. I am so very blessed to have him. I was never one to believe in soulmates, but as my husband and I face adversity and tough decisions, I believe God HAD to make him JUST FOR ME. He IS my soulmate.
The group I went to had a lot of great information. There were mommas from foster care, mommas who had adopted locally, mommas from international adoption, mommas who have gained a child from a different race after fighting the stares, and mommas who had lost. My heart broke for them. There were women there who had tried IVF and other methods, and only 1 out of the 4 had a successful treatment. More and more everyday, I think IVF is just an expensive procedure to have more heavenly children to grieve over.
I did run away on this weekend vacation, I felt like the people around me were caving in with their rudeness and ignorance and I just needed to get out! ...However, I now know there ARE people around me who are sweet, loving, and understanding... I now will NOT let the ignorant overtake the helpful.
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