God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Different Trips to the Same Place; Different Decisions to (hopefully) the Same Outcome

I know it has been a little while since I've blogged, we have been in the process of rearranging our home and getting it prepared for the next step in our lives... if only we knew what that step was. One minute I'm looking at our foster care 402 sheet to learn the rules and regulations our home must meet to receive foster children, and the next I am picking out paint samples of our babies room for when we do IVF. I'm trying to do everything that we would do for either route, but I feel to pressure to commit to a path more and more everyday. I feel my brain is constantly saying, "IVF. ADOPTION. FOSTER CARE. NO, IVF. DEFINITELY ADOPTION. I NEED TO BE A FOSTER MOM."
Today is the two month anniversary of our little Grace being in heaven, and while I'm sure she's taken care of and having an amazing time, I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like any minute now a child is going to point me out in the grocery store after staring and ask, "Mommy, why does that woman only have half a heart?" just as any curious child would do when they see someone with only one arm. I still haven't been to church since the surgery, but I've been making steps towards it. Yesterday actually Walter and I woke up, got dressed, and drove there... but we didn't do in. I'm sorry. I feel like I am disappointing so many people, but I am trying so hard. Thank the Lord grace falls like rain.
One month ago today is the day I named Grace. I was on the way to meet a friend for lunch, sobbing because of the one month anniversary, and this song came on and comforted me. I felt like God was saying her name was always meant to be Grace, and so I let Him name her. Grace. Oh, how I miss you my little Gracie.
‎"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 is the verse that is my Facebook status today. I am trying so very hard, but my feelings are so inconsistent. I'm trying to choose Him no matter what my feelings tell me, but one day I'm in love and the other day... I don't even want to admit some of the things I find myself thinking and saying.
I'm trying to make it simple. It helps me not to think of the whole complicated universe, but to stick to smaller, more simpler statements. Here are some I've been trying to get a grasp on and I believe to be true:

I love my Lord, Jesus Christ.
I love the baby we lost, Grace.
I need Christ's grace because I cannot do anything on my own.
Christ gave me the gift of being pregnant.
God can preform miracles, and I can conceive when He says it to be.
God gave His son for my sins.
My daughter is in heaven.
I am a mommy.
I will not, and CAN not, understand God's plan... EVER.
I wish I could stop trying to understand, because it only makes me ANGRY, BITTER, and CONFUSED when I try to do so.

Even as I type some of these out I hear my thoughts, or possibly the enemy's, scream back in retaliation at some of them. Things like, "If God can make me pregnant with all of his miracles, then why WON'T He? Is there not enough love there for me?! Why did he give me a blessing just to take it away?!" I know I must put everything UNDER God, and the He should be first... but I still find myself leaning on my own understanding (or Walter's) and not His own.
I know I should throw myself into Bible reading, and church attendance, and praying... but I feel like a fever needs to be broken. My goal today: read Proverbs 1-3. I haven't done a devotional in a very long time either.

Does anyone have any biblical opinions when it comes to IVF? Walter and I have considered going through with IVF in June of this year, but am I being selfish? Should that money go to feeding the hungry in Africa instead or something? My mother offered to pay for what wasn't covered by insurance... but there is so much worry there. Is it godly? Am I giving up my faith by doing something like this and not waiting on Him? Will it be a waste of money in which I am just mourning more babies? There are so many complications...
So then we start thinking adoption. I have no idea where to start on this process, but I do have people in my life that know how. I guess I better start asking questions. Is it more expensive? I'm so scared to have a woman pick me only to change her mind later... which has already happened to us once. I can't imagine how much it will hurt if we continue through the process until birth and then have her change her mind. I guess that's what not being able to conceive on your own is all about: FAITH and RISK.
Foster care. I have such a big heart for all the children out there. I sometimes feel like it would be a perfect match. I can't have children, and these children can't have parents at a certain time in their life... but am I patient enough to be what they need? Am I loving enough? I'm not sure. Will I be able to let them go back to parents I may feel to be undeserving? If anything, TTC has definitely made me something I hate: judgmental.

Before I go, I wanted to share something that brought me to tears. A friend sent this to me (it was sent to her when she was TTC) and it is the best comparison I have ever read.

Different Trips to the Same Place
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many fiends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.