God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Gift from Grace

As I mentioned a blog or two ago I was very interested in getting a necklace or something made for our Grace. After searching around on some sites, I finally found a piece that I really felt was calling my name. So I e-mailed the artist to see if they were able to switch the material it was made in and customize it a little more to what I was looking for. The woman was so very sweet and sent me a very quick e-mail back letting me know she would do what I needed! Afterwards I checked out her profile to see that she lives in St Louis! After her kindness, I would really love to host a show for her at my home to thank her for her kindness and to get my piece at a discount as well! Please check out her profile, and let me know if you are interested in attending one in February. I think all her pieces are gorgeous, and am honored to feature her on my blog.







Friday, January 21, 2011

Eternal grace and forever Grace

So many of you have said, "Well, you seem to be taking it well!" to the fact that I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to be acting now... Do I wear a scarlet letter on my clothing? Am I supposed to wear my grief like a black veil for all to see? Am I supposed to the bearer of bad news to every event and "that girl" you told your friends about? The girl who vents her hurts on a blog because after years of trying, she finally got pregnant, only to loose the child due to her own faulty, broken body?!
I understand that I may have been 'taking it well' when I am with you- but mainly when I'm taking it not so well, I hide. I hide from everything possible. I can't bear to see women, or hear women talking about babies or pregnancies or happiness or their future and their hopes and dreams of being called, "Mommy". To sum it up- on a bad day, I can't bear to even sit in my own skin.
I thought this is the beast I've been hiding, and it's time to at least blog it out.
On good days, a girlfriend and I can meet for lunch, and she can ask me questions about the surgery and the child we lost. We can laugh and I can explain with patience and we can look at baby clothes as we pass and ooo and ahhh.
On a 'bad day', such as today, I can't bear to see all the smiling faces on facebook- yet I torture myself anyways because of a loss at what to do next. I feel like my skin is cracking and breaking from all the hurt and that my body just cannot keep it all inside. I feel like my guilt, bitterness, and anger is mimicking our little one... trying to stretch in a place that just cannot contain anymore growth. Some days I feel like I am on the verge of rupturing.
I'm trying to continue life. I am watching what I eat, and getting healthier to help our possible next pregnancy. I am staying away from cigarettes and alcohol; however there is nothing in the world that I want right more than a LARGE glass of wine and a smoke. Even though I just celebrated a year of being smoke-free, nothing has nudged at a relapse more than loosing the baby. I feel like I have made all these sacrifices to keep our little one healthy. I quit smoking, ate healthy, gave up caffeine... I did all the "recommended guidelines" for an expecting Momma! Yet, my uterus is empty and my heart is broken. And I am forced to watch Fertile Myrtle whoof down a double cheesy Big Mac and an extra large Coke and still have that beautiful pregnancy glow.
I am so bitter. So bitter I wouldn't be friends with myself- I am delighted that up until this moment many of even my closet friends realized how painful life is for me. I know with the things I think, and what I feel, I am afraid of myself. My own bitterness, anger, and guilt frustrate me and make me sick.
I'm sure my husband has had his fill of me as well. Today was the first day he just had to let it out and over the phone yell, "You are NOT the only person in the world who has lost a baby!" I know I am not- but sometimes I definitely fall into the trap of feeling that way. (Hence, I have decided to give up facebook for awhile.) Egotistical as it may sound, I loathe seeing everyone going on with their life and not stopping and mourning for our Grace. I know probably it sounds crazy! My life has been put on hold, and I feel like it forever will be.

(TMI WARNING) It makes me even more mad than I am SO outrageously late on my period again! It may not be possible- however it got me thinking that I may be pregnant... AGAIN! Logic didn't matter... however, another pregnancy test was wasted last week and the chip on my shoulder because a larger boulder. I'm not on day 44 of my "cycle" and I'm constantly having flash backs of the promises of the 'benefits' to having a previous pregnancy- even if it ended before I could hold her.

I know God gives us eternal grace and no one in the world knows that more than He does- and how bad I need that grace right now. I want to scream! I want to hate Him for His evil trick He did to us! Why?! Why?! WHY?! ... but deep down, although I have buried it very deep, I know He has better plans than I.

At this, I don't know how to end this blog. I'm still miserable, yet I'm trying to have hope. I'm angry at Him beyond belief, yet I can feel my faith trying to grow. I can't stand to sit alone in this home I thought would belong to the three of us, yet here I must stay. I don't want to remember or even think about it sometimes, yet I fear of forgetting any detail of her.

I can't help but think if she had Walter's eyes... or my stubbornness... or his need for assurance... or my giving heart...

There will never be an end...

A Visit to The Doctor's Office

This video pretty much sums it up, except that it doesn't show the part in which the couple receiving a bill for a couple hundred dollars for this 2 minutes and 46 seconds...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Wanting to Lose the Loss in my Life

So, at the fear of making my "craziness" appear worse, it seems I may have to deal with loss again soon. Nooma, our bunny, has been sneezing like crazy, and so I finally decided to take her to the vet thinking I could get some antibiotics or something. I did walk out of the office with the antibiotics I was searching for, but also with some bad news. It appears that the antibiotics may work, although unlikely. The vet told me, "in most cases when rabbits start sneezing, that just means BAD". I also found out our specific breed of rabbit's life span is only 3-6 years! We had no idea! Nooma is three this month! Heartbreaking. Even though I'm not a "pet type" person, I love her! And to be honest, I'm just not sure how much MORE loss I can handle... who else will be taken from me?!!
Please be in prayer for Nooma.

I returned to Fusion last week, oddly enough the message was about God's GRACE. It killed me every time I heard him say "grace"... but Pastor Wells also said, "It's not about just being blessed to receive the grace, it's about giving grace back..." and it made me think how lucky I was to know and love Grace that short time and that she will be my ultimate treasure in heaven... but I had to give her back.

hopeful thinking...

...doesn't work.

It looks like I'll have to go back on medication to regulate myself. Even though I was told that regulation would most likely be the 'silver lining' in my previous pregnancy, it looks thus far as that hasn't happened. I knew there could be no sivler living in loosing our little Grace.
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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Because of our Saving Grace...

Walter and I have been thinking of ways we can honor our little one here on Earth.

The color teal reminds us of her. Butterflies do as well. Anything that flies really: dragonflies, doves, swallows... Also princesses and fairies, just like many other girls. Angelic little girl faces.

This reminded me of her, and now I carry it in my purse. The little tag by the girl says, "Here I am!". A little reminder that always tells me our little girl is here.

Firstly, we thought of a way we know best. :) I will be adding a baby teal butterfly next to my first tattoo of a large butterfly for my grandmother when she passed away. More on this later.

I carry this photo in my wallet until the next month or so, when I am able to get it.

Secondly, we decided to make a small time capsule for her so we can look back and remember her being here and so we can add to it. We also felt like we needed something to show her siblings when the time is right.

Thirdly, after speaking with my husband and a good friend, and praying, Walter and I decided to name our baby we will not meet until heaven. We had been thinking about what the 'right' was thing to do, and feel like this is it. We feel like the name was really given to myself at a time that naming her was not on my mind, but at a time I was really missing her. We named her Friday, January 7th on the one month anniversary of her death.

We thought the name was fitting, due to the anger we felt after our loss. It is because of God's grace that we were able to be angry, and come to Him when we were ready. It was because of His grace we were blessed with her at all. It is because of God's grace do we have hope for future pregnancies.

I am also hoping to get something of this sort. A piece of jewelry or a charm that I can always have with a butterfly and her name. Please let me know if you know a good jewelry store or Etsy seller that does this well.

In loving memory of Grace Wallheimer (2010). Mommy and Daddy love you!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Update: Life without Little One

Sometimes I sleep a lot. Last night I went to bed at 8pm, maybe 9pm at the latest, and I feel like I could have slept forever. Maybe catching up from last week's 15 total hours of sleep...
I'm starting to really watch what I eat and I'm getting more and more in it by the day. I want to be healthy and happy (and wouldn't mind being thin for maternity photos!) the next time we get pregnant. Although sometimes I can't contain myself and I eat every piece of candy, every scoop of ice cream, every carb in sight.
Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I bawl. Sometimes I do both at the same time (and this really freaks Walter out).
Sometimes I am mad at God. Sometimes I feel at peace that our baby is living in heaven. Sometimes I'm confused. Sometimes I feel like in denial. I'm ALWAYS missing our Little One.
Date Night is tonight, and I'm excited to be spending the night with the man I love. We're not sure on how to deal with these feelings. We're not sure on what to tell, what to keep to ourselves, when to cry, and when to laugh... we just do what we feel like our Little Girl would want. (We always had the feeling the baby was a girl, and since we won't know until heaven... where I don't believe there will be such a thing as boy/girl... we decided to just go with it.)
Through her death I have fallen in love with my husband more and more by the second. The moment I think it's impossible to love him any more, he surprises me and takes my love to a whole new level. We're really enjoying the hopefulness the New Year always brings. 2011 is going to be our year. It's nice to know our future children will always have an angel watching over them.