God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Monday, June 25, 2012


June always is a month of reflection for me.

On the 13th my husband and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary.
On the 17th my husband had his second Father's Day.
On the 19th we celebrated being homeowners for four years together.
On the 24th my husband turned 25 years old.

'Our Story' is a lot like most couples' stories...

First came friendship.

Then came love.

Then came THE question.

Then, our first home.

We said 'I Do'.

We honeymoon-ed.

...and then something went wrong. First came love, then came marriage... but we couldn't finish the sweet song we had grown up to know as the 'correct' way.

We struggled with infertility.
We miscarried.
We doubted God.
We fought, we cried, we prayed.
We failed an IVF cycle.
We had no idea what to do, or where to turn to.

However, our vows have remained the same, and they have gotten better with age. We still love, and struggle through this thing called infertility together. Walter has taken on a role most husbands don't have to worry about. 

Just tonight we were sitting side by side on our computers. He was playing his favorite computer game and I was listening to music while working on my new SMASHbook he had bought me earlier today. When a song popped into my head... and I YouTube-d it... and I broke down. Face on the desk, sobbing, forming a quick puddle with my tears. Nothing needing to be said. He heard the song and he knew just as well. He rolled his chair over and I felt his hand holding mine. I left the room and crawled into bed to become a mess and not be ashamed... but he was within seconds lying next to me, pushing my hair away from my face. 

Every marriage goes through struggles. Some marriages can't agree with where money should be spent. Some husbands and wives can't agree with how many children to have, or how to raise them. Some couples disagree about where to live, or what church to go to, or what car to buy. Other marriages disagree about diet, lifestyle, or even -sadly- religion. 

It doesn't make a marriage any weaker or stronger depending on their disagreement or pain or struggle. What makes the difference is how we handle those issues. Do you come together with open communication? Do you weigh your options carefully and allow each partner to share their opinions and thoughts? Are you deflecting your pain on your partner? All of these things I have done wrong in my marriage. However, thankfully (to God alone!), I feel as if I have learned from them.

Does it make it easier on us? Absolutely.
Absolutely does a good relationship make our infertility less painful and less lonely.

Do I want a child any less? Absolutely not..
I can live my whole life with Walter and be happy. However, a piece of my heart so yearns to give him the child he deserves. 

Walter and I are beginning a '60 Days to IVF' plan tomorrow and it's going to be a season of so, SO many feelings. Would you continue to pray for us?

James 1:2-12

Friday, June 22, 2012

Love Note

It's funny how God hits your conviction spot sometimes isn't it? Buried deep in your heart, begins a little hurt, and then guilt... and then remorse.

Walter and I got into an argument last night for the first time in quite awhile. Other than the usual marital bicker, we haven't argued in months. I guess we had it coming.

For the first time we threatened to sleep separate -although we still didn't- but we didn't cuddle (feel free to hit me later if you think this is lame)! :) But I woke up this morning just feeling awful. It was the first time we didn't get to a resolution before we went to bed. He kissed me goodbye this morning, and now I feel awful I can't hug him while telling him I'm so sorry.

Especially after finding something. It was a love note he wrote me during our dating times, in 2007.

I had to share the corniness that new love brings:

I've been thinking, there is a lot on my mind
It's all about how I love you and you're one of a kind
You have eyes that could light up the darkest cloud
Your smile melts me and makes me want to shout out loud
When you laugh and smile you have the cutest dimples
I even like the lighter hair the grows out of your temples
Your overall beauty goes from you head to your toes
In a garden of weeds you are a beautiful rose
To me you are physically perfect with your looks and body
I never say this, but it's clear you're a hottie
When I look at you I feel like I am the king of the world
I'm so glad to be with the most beautiful girl
You are more then just physically perfect to me
Your perfection goes deeper than eyes can see
Being around you makes me feel great
You're the best girlfriend and all-around top rate
You're so amazing I can't even begin to comprehend
I'm hoping we last together until the very end
I love the fact that you are on fire for Jesus
He has given everything we have to please us
I feel in my heart you were sent to me from heaven above
I hope that you can see for you I have nothing but love
I never knew I would find an angel on Earth
I'm so glad your mommy gave birth
You're amazing and awesome and perfect and a joy
Being with you makes me feel giddy like a little boy
I get all tongue-tied and can't always say what's inside
But know my feelings good, with nothing to hide
You're a great person and you'll do great things in life
Maybe one day I'll be able to call you my wife
Sorry if that scares you or creeps you out
I don't mean to make you sad or possibly pout
Just know that I love you now and for years to come
I very well may love you until my life is done
Anyways here is a brief overview of what's been said
I love you from now until I am dead
You're perfect in every shape, form, and way
You could brighten the night and make it day
You're am amazing woman with everything you do
And the final paraphrase: I REALLY LOVE YOU!!!

Single ladies, if a man ever writes a note to you like this- despite the cheese- and you can tell he really means every word... marry him. He will make a good husband.

Thank you Walter for still kissing me before you left for work this morning. :)
I love you
Come What May

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Happy Infertility!

For those of you who don't have Pinterest, I thought I'd share these wonderful little cards that make me feel like my life could be 'normal' and that I'm not the only one going crazy. They truly made my day, and I believe they should be real cards we send in the mail.
These are not all of them, OH NO, I have plenty more... but these are some of my favorites. :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I've been on cruises to the Caribbean (and more!) to sit on the beach, sip strawberry daiquiris, and sunbathe...
I've been to Alaska to canoe in the icy waters and to see glaciers, icebergs, and bald eagles....
I've been roadtripping on a 'Girlcation' to a spa weekend...
and I've flown to places that are the top sights to see in the U.S....
I may not be a world-traveler, but I do pride on having gone a lot in my 25years....

This. This was by far the best vacation I have ever been on. 

This was a vacation that truly served the purpose of vacation.
It brought my husband and I closer together. It was relaxing, stress-free, and renewing. I felt pampered, and blessed, and just so totally lucky. I was content. I felt like I was living the dream.

Crazy it was only two hours away and cost under $600.

Monday (11th) my husband came home with a hop in his step. He was thrilled to not have to return to work for an entire week. We began to pack and get the things for our dogs together. It wasn't a rush. The only thing stressing me out was that I had a lot of errands to run and a house to get close to spotless for our foster care inspection. It wasn't too terribly late in the day, but I was still a little panicked. Until our case worker called and told us she would have to reschedule. Whew. It wasn't a problem. ;)

Tuesday (12th) Walter and I enjoyed the day. We slept in as long as we could (8AM, lol) and just hung around the house. By craft night later that night we still weren't fully packed, but we weren't in a rush.

Wednesday (13th) we woke up around 7AM and finished packing. We finished getting the dog's things together, and loaded everything into the car. We dropped off the pups (yes, I cried... in the car) and headed to breakfast. After IHOP we were on our way. We took turns picking music and reliving all the fun songs we loved in high school, or college, or presently. 
When we got to Oakridge Manor, we couldn't help but look around and meet Bob & Anna, our hosts. We then drove aimlessly around and found ourselves 'lost' in a small city about 45minutes away. For lunch, we randomly chose a place called Morello's and ordered two things that sounded good that we had obviously never had before. They both were delicious. Their pizza will probably go down in history as one of my Top 5 Favorites. From that point on, we decided to not eat at a Subway or any other place we knew of. 

We got back to 'The Manor' and immediately jumped into the two person jacuzzi. Blah blah blah... I'll skip the details. ;) The entire evening we spent totally relaxing each other. Eating snacks, giving massages, getting in/out of the glorious tub... At dinner we tried a place called Sao's Asian. It was good for Chinese food- it's kind of the same like everywhere- but the place was beautiful. Full of etched glass and water fountains. 
We got back late and then we walked through the garden. It was dark, but the garden was full of beautiful lighting, and we read our new vows to each other for the fourth time. Walter's vow this year was to work hard and improve our lifestyle, by taking more responsibly to save more money, help around the home, etc. My vow was to 'let go, and let God' take control and to relish in the day-to-day that I love so dearly with him.

Thursday (14th) we slept in and had breakfast made for us by Bob & Anna. It was, hands down, the best breakfast I have ever, ever had. 'Farmer's Eggs' with cheese, and scallions, and diced potatoes... with SUPER crispy bacon that was in one word- perfect. We had hand rolled raspberry jam filled pastries with a brown sugar/cinnamon/almond rolled french toast. It was perfectly soft and crunchy. We also had a bowl of fresh fruit. Needless to say, we didn't eat again until late afternoon. It was heavenly. 
After breakfast we got our swimsuits on and played by the pool for a couple of hours. We got some sun. Then we dried off and read (and I smashbooked as well) by the pool for hours. We talked and listened to music. When it got too hot, we would jump in the pool. We played cards and laughed and didn't say a word about IVF or babies or money or chores...

When we finally got hungry we decided to have a semi-fancy night. We got in the best we had packed and went to a restaurant called the 20's Hideout. It was a steakhouse and piano bar that was decorated like the 1920's. All the waiters/waitresses were dressed like mobsters. I ordered the 'Flapper Filet', Walter got the 'Mexican Connection', and Walter surprised me with a bottle of wine. We sat for hours talking and listening to the music. I have never eaten dinner so slow in my life, but we had no where to go and we enjoyed every moment.

We got back and watched TV for awhile. It was a treat since we do not have TV at home. We didn't watch anything important, but we snuggled in bed while watching all the bad TV we could find. "Bait Car" "Repo Men" "Cops" and lastly, "The Girl Next Door".

Friday (15th) we ate our homemade breakfast again. This time it was a bowl of fresh fruit, with a ham and egg quiche, and banana-ginger pastries. This wan't as great as the morning before- I'm not a quiche person- but we sat and drank coffee and chatted with Anna for quite some time. Anna took us on a tour, since we were the only couple staying, and showed us all the rooms for 'next time'. We packed and left to visit some of the local wineries. It was a sad goodbye; we didn't want to leave The Manor or Bob & Anna.
The wineries were fun, and so was 'getting lost' again and driving around the beautiful canopies the trees and vines made. It wasn't long before I was anxious to see Belle & Lucy. We had been watching them online the entire time off/on. We finally did grab some delicious Subway on the way home, and drove straight to get our dogs. You could tell they had a blast. They were worn out, and recovered for a full 36 hours. It was nice to sleep in our own bed again.

Saturday (16th) I had to get up and work, but luckily, I was able to find some to work half of my shift so I was able to leave at noon. Afterwards I got ready and we went over to finally meet our new niece, Wrenn. Walter and I sat there and held her for over two hours. She was so beautiful and talk about baby fever! 
We came home, played with the dogs, and decided it was a good time to carve our initals into our tree. I've always wanted to do that, and it was on my Summer Bucket List! :) Afterward, we got ready and went to The Lantern Festival at the Missouri Botanical Gardens. The lady I nanny for had given us tickets as a thank you gift. I am so blessed. We got there at opening, and took our time walking around the gardens for an hour. We watched two shows, and they both were worth it. After the shows, it was getting dark and the lanterns were lit. We walked around again, looking at each lantern now that it was lit and left shortly after 8PM. Walter bought me a beautiful teal butterfly in a shadowbox from the store and I will forever remember this vacation and the time we went to the Japanese Garden and kissed again just like we were pronounced husband and wife. 

Yes, Nine Dragons! Crazy huh? 

Sunday (17th) we got Starbucks and went to church. We also got to meet up with a friend and her husband from Georgia for a long belated catch-up. They both are amazing people. So glad to have got to spend the morning with them.
We spent the day shopping at bookstores, playing online, and enjoying a lazy Sunday. We finally went to our last Fusion teaching at Metro (more on this later) and went to Annie's with all of the kids until late. It was a perfect, bittersweet ending.

Monday (18th) after bumming around the house we got the car ready for our first drive-in movie(s) at Skyview. We packed up snacks, blankets, and pillows, and had an amazing time. We will definitely go back. We watched Madagascar 3 and Snow White & The Huntsmen. I blame the terrible acting and plot for putting me to sleep through the middle of Snow White, not the late hour and we came home in the early morning to snuggle into bed. 

Tuesday (19th) we wanted to get a lot of things in 'the nursery' moved around while Walter could help for our inspection with foster care coming up next week. Around lunchtime my friend Britney came over and we all headed to the Delmar Loop. We ate at Cheesology and visited Iron Age to get estimates for our next dream purchases. Walter's jar for his tattoo fund that he got for his birthday/Father's Day is growing and growing and so is his anticipation. Britney and I did a little shopping at the mall (it's that time of year to stock up on bras! lol) while Walter played his game online. He didn't miss me one bit. ;) His playing continued and Craft Night began just like every Tuesday at 8PM and when I finally came to bed at 2AM he was out cold of course. 

Wednesday (20th//Today) the vacation ended. Mainly because Walter went back to work and because the medication that I (had put off taking and) began on Sunday did its job. Yes, I had my period. Finally. First one since the LAST IVF in March. This began Day 1 of our IVF cycle #2. On day 3 I will begin Clomid agan (I apologize in advance) and in July I will begin the birth control pill again (always a funny dose of irony). Injections will start late July and the ER/ET is looking to fall around August 27th. 

Walter and I sure are in a season right now. A season of change. We are beginning being members at a different church now that we have fulfilled what we felt like we promised Metro Community. We are both excited and very sad. A bittersweet decision it is. We are constantly driving around the Shiloh/O'Fallon area looking at house and discussing what we are looking for, because yes, we want to move. However, we are waiting for Walter's contract at work to settle. This contract could leave him with everything from no job to a job that will give him a $10/hr raise! While it's very safe to assume it will fall close to the middle, it is a semi-stressful and anxious time. We cannot wait until the ball drops and it gets to decide how much longer we will be at our very first home together on West Main. IVF is beginning again and all the balls are spinning in the air, I just hope I have the dexterity enough to catch them all. My mind and heart and always and forever duking it out and if this cycle of IVF will be 'worth it' and end me up pregnant. 

Be still my heart. God knows the answer to every question. He is the comfort to every feeling. He is the rock to build a life on and He will not forget us. Whatever is to come, is what is to come. 

I love Walter. I love being a family of 2 people, 2 dogs, and a bunny... and if that's where He has us for awhile more, well then... that's where we'll be. 

I was talking to friends the other day and I told them that the first time I was honest and could say I enjoyed being single, I met the man of my dreams and I drug my feet getting the diamond on my hand and walking down that isle. Don't get me wrong, marrying Walter was the best thing I have ever done (besides accepting Christ) and I was a happy, blushing bride... but I was also content and happy being just Jenny.
Now, I tell you, thinking of our upcoming IVF and a possible baby/babies due in May (or sooner!) there is a little voice in my head that screams, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But you're happy! Let's not change this! Let's go on another trip to a B&B... let's sleep in.... let's order pizza when the electric bill is due..."

While it is scary, it also gives me hope. I'm content being Jen & Walter... Lord, does this mean you're about to change my plans again?

SBL'12 Update

  • Swim at my parents' pool
  • Eat lots of sno cones
  • Make/eat s'mores
  • SMASHbook
  • Dye some of my hair a fun color
  • Go on a road trip
  • Visit a bed & breakfast
  • Try new foods 
  • Renew our vows on our anniversary
  • Spend an entire day reading/crafting
  • Watch a sunset
  • Have a picnic
  • Hold my nephew/niece
  • Carve our names into a tree
  • Go to the Botanical Gardens
  • Go to Skyview and watch my first drive-in movie
  • Have a 'slumber party' and stay up watching movies all night
  • Catch up on making yearly Shutterfly photo books
  • Give my husband a great Father's Day gift
First sno cone of the season with Will & Kate!

Toasted s'mores in a jar for a desert auction. Raised $35.

Beginnings of a soon-to-be very full SMASHbook... I'm addicted.

I chose teal in support of PCOS awareness. 

B&B style!

Trying new foods the entire B&B trip! This is what will forever be remembered as the 'polka dot pizza'! Soooo delicious! 

Wrenn Ensley Storm, the new love in my life

Hard to see in the photo, but it is amazing. I'm thinking of adding other initials soon... 

At the Missouri Botanical Gardens; My two favorite parts: The dragon made of fine China, and The Wishing Tree. You can guessed what my wish was for. 

Our first drive-in movie(s): Madagascar 3, and Snow White & The Huntsmen.  

At first Walter was kind dissappointed/confused about his gift of an empty jar... but then when the eyes where closed it turned into a special jar... called 'Walter's TATTOO FUND ONLY'. It took me months of collecting tips, random dollars, etc for him to not notice!

At the Missouri Botanical Gardens again, but I had to share... Kissing where we were pronouced husband & wife three shorts years earlier. Time really does fly when you're (married to your best friend and) having fun!

What I'm working on now: 
  • Paint the spare room, and turn it into a craft room (getting closer, and picked out the color!)
  • Take violin lessons (called for an appointment, and I'm on the books!)
  • Create a 'Date Night' jar (thinking of ideas, found the jar!)
  • Finish crocheting the blanket for our bedroom (about 1/2 finished!)
  • Work out and lose weight (definitely needing to get into best 'IVF shape' possible)
  • Walk the dogs a lot (will help me lose the weight)
  • Create a Before/After photobook of our home (I have the 'Before' part finished in the book!)
  • Update our profile for foster care (room is getting better by the day, appointment Tuesday!)