The chip that begins the crumble

A friend of mine is finally, after almost two years in the process, soon on her way to meet her lovely daughter in China. She has the faith and determination from God to fight the battle and I cannot wait until the day we will all get to meet her little Esther. (You can read about her journey here)
We got to provide a dessert and attend a dessert auction she held to raise her final funds, and I can't imagine the anticipation she must be feeling!

It has really got me thinking about my own anticipation. Some days our adoption journey seems like such a long road, and that it may never get here... Most of the times it's easier on me not to get too attached to the thought. "What if we don't raise enough money? What if something happens? What if our home is too small, our income too low, and we're always the 'wrong age'?" I think to myself. It's easier sometimes not to imagine and just trudge through and not poking at the thoughts of so many things...
However, seeing my friend Jill and her adoption journey coming to a end (but also a new beginning!) has blown a hole right through that wall I have put up. It has got me thinking about her sweet face, or his natural talent for music. Maybe her need to be rocked to sleep, or his cowlick that will never be managed.
Who will they be? Who will my future children be and when will I be able to call them mine?
The wait is excruciating. The painful reminder that we are too young, that we make too little money, and that our compatibly is based on our years of marriage haunts me.
I want to scream, to cry... to hide... from all the doubt and fear and especially the 'what ifs'.

I can't explain it but I love them so much already. My children. I cannot wait to see how my Lord builds our family through fertility treatments, foster care, and/or adoption. I find myself dreaming of them often- the little things that usually don't matter... but in my heart, these 'made up' details are hope to hold onto. I dream of my little girl wanting to be creative like mommy. I can see both of us covered in paint and glitter and a husband walking through the door with a laugh and a roll of his eyes. I can see my son, who is so brave. He likes to stand up for the underdog. But at home, he secretly still loves to be hugged. He loves dogs as well. He could run outside with the dogs in our yard all day long if I'd let him. I can see my daughter coming home, and expanding my horizons by begging me to take he to Aeropostale and attend her cheerleading practices. I'll be the loudest, and most proud momma there. Sometimes I feel God tugging at my heart that my daughter may not hear me, and so I intend to learn to sign. I can see my son sitting in his room, enjoying hours of reading. He's so cautious and careful, thoroughly examining all options before making a decision. It will try my patience, but I know God is growing that in me too.

I added a fundraising thermostat on my page, stolen from the blog mentioned above. I set the goal for $20,000 (less than my friend's need, but enough) and accounted the $600 we have saved and set aside in our account. Most of you may look at the small speck of green and think we have a long way to go. We do. But tonight, all I can see is that beautiful, beautiful progress. It may not be much but every nickle and dime reminds me of the children already in my heart -whether they be born on this Earth already or only known by God- and it gives me a flicker of hope. The devil will keep sending his doubt, and his fear... but as long as there is a penny found in the parking lot, or a dime hidden in the car seat a match is struck in the big, dark room and I cannot help myself but think of them.

They are my children -my daughter, my son- and I not forget.