God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Bump Update: 22 Weeks


How far along? 22 weeks... Merry Christmas!

Size of baby: Sully weighs about a pound now and is almost a foot 'tall'! Think of a bag of sugar cradled into your arms! :)

Milestones: His facial features are becoming more distinct and he even has tiny teeth starting to develop under his gums! His eyes are formed, but still have no color. I wonder if he'll have daddy's big brown eyes or mommy's bright green eyes?

Total weight gain: I'm two pounds less this week, making me -15 from conception weight still! I am really shocked because I have been eating, eating, eating! 

Maternity clothes: Besides T-shirts and a few very baggy shirts I had before, I'm definitely needing (and much more comfortable in) maternity tops. As for jeans, I have a favorite pair of maternity jeans... but just can't get used to the others. I really don't like the nylon over my belly and they won't stay up otherwise. I've lost enough weight that my regular jeans will still fit and I wear those when my favorite maternity jeans are in the wash!

Unglamorous body changes: My belly button is finally starting to make itself more flush, but I'm still not seeing a linea negra. My skin is feeling less dry, but still itchy now for other reasons. Unfortunately one of our pups got fleas somehow and even though we caught and treated it early, you can tell they saw me as a blood feast! I have a few patches of bites all on my tummy and my back! Definitely not scratching, because I'm paranoid about spreading infection, but it's definitely made an already slightly uncomfortable momma less comfortable. Backaches are getting more frequent, but still none of the other things most of the books say I *should* be having right now. Like I said, I'm one lucky pregnant woman and I'm loving it!

Sleep: I really can't complain. It seems like for every two nights of sleep I get (deep, sporadic, but restful sleep) I have a night of tossing and turning due to hip pain and nightmares. From what I've heard, I'll take it!

Best moment this week: I finally had my first stranger ask when I was due! I know I'm a bigger girl... and lately I haven't wanted to leave the house much lol... but I was getting really antsy for someone to finally say something to me! It took me by such surprise I definitely stuttered and probably looked like I was making things up! She also asked if I knew it was a boy/girl and his name. She worked at the Hallmark here in town and she was so sweet! I also got two really sweet gifts in the mail from a really sweet friend! ...annnnnd finally being pregnant on Christmas was pretty cool! :D

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it. I did have a small glass of champagne on Christmas though!

Movement: I think most first-time moms do, but I'm such a worrier! I worry that I don't feel him enough, or that I don't feel him strong enough... but realistically, I know he is definitely quite a mover and I should be happy! I plan to start using a kick count tool on my phone soon.

Food cravings: Taco rice with Mexican cheese still! Walter took me out to Chevy's and got me lots of yummy food with a virgin margarita! I love that guy! I have been wanting one of those for awhile! 

Anything making you queasy/sick? Nope.

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: Still a ways to go! :) 

Symptoms: hip pain, backaches, and intense hunger

Belly button in or out? In 

Wedding rings on or off? On for the holidays :)

Happy or moody most of the time: I'm definitely getting into the 'worried' stage, which I think makes me a little moodier, but Walter has been handling it and calming me down like a champ. 

Weekly wisdom: You will never know a stranger's story unless you ask... and as people we oftentimes make up our own stories for others to make them less-deserving etc. I've been trying to see the best of stories in others, even when things look differently.

What stereotype I embody: I'm hungry or tearful almost all the time!

What I bought this week: I bought nothing for Sullivan this week! But for Christmas he was gifted a recordable storybook of ''Twas the Night Before Christmas" and cute little skull shoes from Grammy!

What I checked off my to-do list: All but the finishing border is done on Sully's blanket!!!

Looking forward to: 2013! The year I finally get to hold a baby of my own!

Sweet gifts from Leah. Follow her blog ;) 

Sully's blanket!

Does he look like Daddy (left) or Mommy (right)?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Bump Update: 21 Weeks


How far along? 21 weeks... now we're OVER halfway there! eek! lol

Size of baby: Sully weighs about 13 ounces, and is about 7.6 inches long per all my pregnancy apps. However, at his last appointment we were definitely told he was measuring over 11 inches! At 20w2d Sully was measuring 21w4d! He's definitely my growing boy! :)

Milestones: This week he is getting his first taste for things! My apps have told me what I'm eating now will be the first to really test his taste buds and will begin to give him an idea of foods he'll like after being born. He will now respond to sound as well- especially daddy's voice after a long day of hearing mommy, haha. His eyelids and eyebrows are also developing. 

Total weight gain: Gaining slowly and surely... at the doctor's office I was 217! ...but my scale at home says otherwise. Either way, it was enough to make my OB not come down to hard on me... though she still commented she'd like me to continue to gain.

Maternity clothes: Still pretty exclusively maternity clothes, lounging clothes... or my husband's clothing! Thanks to my wonderful aunt who bought me a pile from Motherhood for my birthday! BIG SCORE!

Unglamorous body changes: I'm still feeling beyond blessed. Got my first sign of pregnancy stretch marks, and it doesn't bother me one bit. My skin is still dry and flaky, but nothing large amounts of lotion can't fix. Still *knocking on wood* heartburn is rare, no leg cramps, varicose veins are non-existent, and my hair has stayed calm for the most part! Still no linea negra or outie belly button either. The slight backaches and intense hunger is manageable. ;)

Sleep: With my Snoogle on one side and my dear husband on the other... sleep has been really great, respectfully. Still wake up from time to time with hip pain or nightmares, but I fall quickly back to sleep and feel well rested in the morning! I told my husband this morning I may never get a straight 8 hours again, and that it's preparing me to sleep with baby. I get about 2 hours of sleep and am up for 30 minutes with hip pain. Another three hours of sleep and a nightmare keeps me up for 15 minutes... and so on.

Best moment this week: The best moment- easily- was Sully's anatomy scan. I really was a nervous momma with all the things we could be told was 'wrong'. The nerves didn't settle when we sat back about to have the ultrasound and the tech told us she had a hard time working with the babies that day and a lot of parents had to reschedule! :( I told her ours was pretty good, and she shushed me for possibly jinxing it. Sully was amazing! However, right away we saw him stick his tongue out at us! It was sooo funny and sooo cute! She was shocked to see how quickly and how clearly she was able to see EVERYTHING she need to. She checked his lungs, and looked at his diaphragm and his kidneys. She was able to see that he doesn't have club feet or a clef palate  She was even able to see all four chambers of his heart. Everything she could check she did within 15 minutes and he passed with flying colors! He measured 21w4d at 20w2d! The OB told us she wouldn't be surprised if he was an 'early baby'! Walter and I got to see our little man and can't help but think he already looks like a strong and healthy boy... who takes after Daddy!

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it.

Movement: Still thinking I need to start a log of his movements sometime soon, though I know it's not as pressing until about 25 weeks. Still not seeing much of a 'pattern'. 

Food cravings: TGI Friday's fried green beans, peanut butter, taco rice with Mexican cheese and Twizzlers! YUM

Anything making you queasy/sick? Nope. Almost gone completely.

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: Still a ways to go! :) 

Symptoms: slight hip pain, backaches, and intense hunger

Belly button in or out? In 

Wedding rings on or off? Off right now, not due to swelling just yet but to give my dry skin a break

Happy or moody most of the time: I snap a little more often, but am quick to apologize! :S Sorry friends and family!

Weekly wisdom: At 21 weeks pregnant... I'm starting to feel more and more like every other pregnant momma! I worry a little less because of our harsh past, but I worry a little more as mommyhood is around the corner. I've become anxious about bringing a baby home, and how will we manage our time, finances, and new lives? I start to relish in quiet moments with my husband more... and I say things I never thought I'd say. I'm a happy pregnant momma, and though my infertility is still around, it's in the back of my head for right now. :)

What stereotype I embody: Waddling. I'm a waddler now for sure. It's just more comfortable to let it all stick out and waddle my way around! lol

What I bought this week: Hmmm... I don't think I bought anything for Sully this week! lol I was gifted some great maternity tops though. 

What I checked off my to-do list: The discussions of THE baby shower has begun! My bestie is beginning to get the ball rolling for early January preparations! SO exciting! I've really been working on his baby blanket too and have made HUGE progress! I'm thinking I may have it under the tree just yet! :D

Looking forward to: Being pregnant at Christmas :) and spending quiet moments with Daddy.

Sully's spine. I love it!

This is one the tech got right after his tongue went back into his mouth, lol!

His little foot doesn't look so little anymore!

I joked about how our son had "no modesty" and when she found his penis right away she just had to comment on the picture, which I love!

My baby boy.

20 Week pictures!

Does Sully look more like Daddy or Mommy?
Daddy has been getting most of the votes. 
Believe it or not, that makes me really happy!
I am SO blessed with my two amazing men. I cannot wait to have a son like my husband!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Bump Update: 20 Weeks!


How far along? 20 weeks... halfway there! I'm unsure if I want things to slow down so I can enjoy being pregnant or speed up because I can't wait to meet my lil man!!!

Size of baby: Sully weighs about 10.5 ounces and is 6.5 inches from head to bottom... this is the last week he'll be measured from head to bottom instead of head to toe!

Milestones: Walter thinks it's hilarious (okay and so do I, I am growing a son!) that Sully is now 'making poops'. He begins to make meconium this week, lol. He is also swallowing more and his digestive track is developing. 

Total weight gain: Those 2lbs I gained last week? Lost them. LOL. Back at 212, when it's suggested that I'm in the 230-240 range based on my pre-conception weight.

Maternity clothes: Still pretty exclusively maternity clothes, lounging clothes... or my husbands, lol. ;)

Unglamorous body changes: PTL the dry skin is getting better! Still itchy and flaky, but for now it's not keeping me up at night anymore. I'm feeling pretty blessed. Not much pain or uncomfortable feelings at all! *knocks on wood*

Sleep: With my Snoogle on one side and my dear husband on the other... sleep has been really great, respectfully. Still wake up from time to time with hip pain or nightmares, but I fall quickly back to sleep and feel well rested in the morning! 

Best moment this week: The day before my birthday my momma took off work and we went shopping (a tradition started long ago)! I got a lot of Christmas shopping done, and 'Grammy' got a lot of Sully-shopping done! lol At the Disney store she bought him a little Sully and Mike stuffed toy from Monsters Inc. So adorable. Also, registering with Walter. It was a blast. His questions and us goofing around late at night up and down the aisles was exactly what I've dreamed it to be. :)

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it... but with all this Mexican food I've been craving, I miss the margaritas! 

Movement: Still not seeing much of a 'pattern'... thinking I may need to start a log and track it a bit? His movements are getting stronger, and I can count on his movements after I eat, drink cold water, or get in the bath! I'm unsure if it's just not waking me up or if he's sleeping with me... but no night movement! Am I crazy to think he may be sleeping when I sleep?! Can I be THAT lucky?!

Food cravings: Mexican food, Skittles, and chocolate milk... NOT together! I'm not that crazy pregnant yet I guess! Haha

Anything making you queasy/sick? Nope. Almost gone completely.

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: Still a ways to go! :) 

Symptoms: slight hip pain and intense hunger :)

Belly button in or out? In 

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: Okay, okay... I can tell I'm getting a bit moodier. I'm sensing being more emotional and getting cranky quicker... but I still haven't had any big complaints? That makes me think I'm either doing okay, or I'm waaaaaay worse than I think!

Weekly wisdom: Never say never. The things you SWORE you'd never do... you'll do. :)

What stereotype I embody: Walter's runs to get food/snacks are becoming more frequent. I sent him to get Skittles while playing Black Ops with a friend and I sent him to get me southwest rolls from Ruby Tuesday after coming home from a long day at work. I thank the Lord he is a patient and loving man!

What I bought this week: The Lord has blessed and spoiled Sullivan with such a great Grammy! This week he got about 10 new outfits, a crib mattress, crib bedding, two stuffed toys, a knight lamp, a coat of arms for the wall, and knight capes/costumes all from his Grammy! He may be a 'Grammy's boy' instead of a 'Momma's boy'! I am a lucky daughter.

What I checked off my to-do list: The bedding is now on the crib and it's ready to go! Next up is buying new hangers to finish hanging clothing, hanging some artwork, and working on some handmade artwork for my lil man. :)

Looking forward to: Honestly? I'm just excited to be pregnant at Christmastime! This is finally my year! :') ...and I'm looking forward to Sully's anatomy scan on the 13th this week! Daddy gets to go too!

Gifts from Grammy!

19 Week pictures!

19 Week pictures!

crib bedding

crib bedding

Registering at Babies R Us with my wonderful husband!

A Sully and Mike for Sullivan!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Bump Update: 19 Weeks


How far along? 19 weeks 

Size of baby: He is our little mango, or the same as a square tissue box.

Milestones: Sully is covered in vernix caseosa- a substance that will protect his delicate skin, protect from infection, and help him slide out of the birth canal. His brain is making specialized sections for taste, smell, hearing, vision and touch. He weights about 8.5 ounces, and measures over 6 inches. Hair on his little head is (hopefully!) sprouting! :)

Total weight gain: I'm up a bit! I gained 4lbs... and then lost two. So up 2lbs and thinking it's only going up from here! Can't. stop. eating!!!

Maternity clothes: Exclusively in maternity clothes (not counting the T-shirts and sweat pants I lounge in often).  

Unglamorous body changes: Hips are still shifting out, and skin is still really dry. Other than that... feeling really lucky for a pregnant lady! Not bad heartburn, leg cramps, or anything else I'm supposed to be watching out for! :)

Sleep: For an early birthday gift my MIL took me to finally get my Snoogle, a pillow for pregnant women. I kept floundering on if I really wanted to pay $70 on a silly pillow I may or may not like or ever use again after a few months... but I was thrilled when it was offered to me as a gift! lol Since I've had that pillow sleep has definitely been more 'hit' than 'miss'. I wake up to shift less often and even though I still sometimes wake up with hip pain it's manageable, not excruciating  Walter jokes he's going to steal it from me... I told him I would now just go and buy another, LOL!

Best moment this week: While Walter was out of town he called me one night to read a poem he wrote Sully. After a "Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll change the pee and give mommy the poo!" joke he read me the real poem he had written. It was so beautiful it made me cry. I plan to have him read it to Sully often. :)

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it.

Movement: I'm still trying to realize a pattern to when he is most active... but I guess I'm not doing a very good job. It seems like his movements are come and go, and pretty consistent throughout the day. Some movements are very light and some movements I feel like he's beating his way out. I guess I'll only learn how to define them better at time goes on. He scared me going 17 hours with no movement, but finally he was back to beating me up! :)

Food cravings: Celery with Babybel cream cheese! Chocolate milk.

Anything making you queasy/sick? Still nauseous from time to time... but I think it's getting even better? *knocks on wood*

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: Still a ways to go! :) 

Symptoms: fatigue, dry/itchy skin, hip pain, dizziness, headaches, and nightmares... but I'm still LOVING every moment! 

Belly button in or out? In 

Wedding rings on or off? On/off... I love wearing them and feel naked without them... but they need to go on and off due to my dry skin

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy TO moody in 0.6 seconds! :) I still don't think I'm too bad, but Walter knows to stop kidding around when I say 'stop!'. Haha

Weekly wisdom: Women who have been through TTC/IVF/IF need all the support they can get. I have definitely learned how silly it is to compare your life to other women through struggling with IF. I've found a wonderful group of women to support and I check in on them daily. We're in a hundred different seasons, with different reasons, and opinions... but it's not about who has the 'worst' case or who has tried the longest. It's about being there for each other through whatever the other is going for. These women love me even though I'm pregnant. They're not bitter towards me, and I think I needed to find that. I'm so thankful to offer advice/experience to them as they still coo over my bump that 'I deserve'. It's funny how sometimes a person you've never met can understand you more than your mother, best friend, and husband. You know who you are, and if you're reading right now... Thank you.

What stereotype I embody: My mother told me the other day at lunch that I'm starting to waddle, and Walter has pointed out that I grunt everytime I have to pick something off the ground. I really don't mean to!

What I bought this week: I got my beloved Snoogle as a gift, and also ordered a crib mattress and baby bedding! Thanks Momma!

What I checked off my to-do list: Still working on his baby blanket. Also continued to wash and hang baby clothes. Needing to buy more hangers to finish! lol

Looking forward to: Registering at Babies R' Us this week! :) Also seeing lil man again at our anatomy scan on the 13th!
(Can I also say my birthday even though it's not Sully-related?! lol Even though I've shared all my birthday gifts with him thus far! ;)

Putting up the tree

Putting up the tree as a family of three! (Well, five!)

My view at 19 weeks

My favorite hoodie will only fit for a little while longer!

Ahhhh my Snoogle!

Walter's Poem:
"A heartbeat, a flicker, a life

The glowing smile of a beautiful wife

Be careful little one there are dangers around

Yet in all of His grace, miracles abound

A simple movement, a flip or a kick

Snuggle inside and wait, tick tok tick

Grow and be healthy, happy, and strong

Be raised in a life knowing right from wrong

Be brave and courageous, yet gentle and kind

Let the bad in this world never cloud your mind

Your mother loves you and I do too

And there's 13 angels in heaven whispering "I love you"

Be good little one and continue to grow

And be proud of your angels we never got to know

You see, you're the first baby we will meet on this earth

And the first chance your mommy has to give birth

But you're not alone you have sisters and brothers

And other miracles that are born to different mothers

I will teach you family is not just by blood

By by the love you give and receive, my lil' bud

You will grow up knowing how special you are

And that you truly were my wish on a star

We went through a lot to have you, your mom is a trooper

And you will always be loved even when you're a pooper

So love your family, both blood and not

And remember your angels, you little snot

Mommy and daddy love you now and forever

A few more short months and we will all be together"

Saturday, December 1, 2012

My Heart Breaks: There is Hope (Update!)

Just a few days ago I posted the following on a blog of mine: 

"I had a blog friend who after her first IVF and had two perfect blastocysts implanted POAS and get a BFP. When I read about her BFP I nodded in agreement. Her IVF could not of gone more perfectly, and she had far better embryos than we did of course she would fall pregnant. I was so happy for her. You can imagine how my heart broke for her as she updated that her beta numbers were not rising as they should, and the doctors told her she would indeed miscarry. It is a waiting game for her now. I had to close her blog and run to my husband and sob and sob and sob for her. How unfair! She deserves those babies! How could this happen?!"

Here is an update she posted of November 29th:

"I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me.  First, when should I do a HPT?  Second, what is my blood level?  Third, did my HCG blood level double??
When it didn't, that when the craziness began.  It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours).  As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.
But then I get the news to wait a full week.  I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots.  I didn't just in case.  Monday my numbers were 881.  Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!!  More than doubled!!  I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes).  My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever.  
When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress.  My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!"  the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week".  I go in Tuesday.
I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time.  I love it because it means there is a chance.  It means miracles can still occur.  It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  
But I hate it too.  The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable.  That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.
The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us.  I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers.  I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week."

There is hope. There is hope for her and the little one(s) inside her. Please join me in praying for her to experience a full and healthy pregnancy with her miracle(s).
I cannot imagine how she is feeling right now. Such a scary line between having hope and surely losing it... please build her up in prayer and guard her womb.

Continue to follow her story here.