God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Bump Update: 39 Weeks (and he's HERE!!!)


How far along? 39 weeks! (and he's HERE!!!) Sullivan was born Tuesday, April 23rd at 39 weeks exactly!

Size of baby: 8lbs 2oz, 22in

Milestones: Sullivan was born on 04/23/13 at 3:08pm

Total weight gain: I checked into the hospital at 10:30PM on 04/22 and weighed 238! I gained +8lbs from conception to delivery!

Maternity clothes: I wore them to the hospital, and I'm still wearing them! :/ They're just so comfy, and they're great for my still-healing body.

Unglamorous body changes: Well, no new stretch marks... but now we've got the postpartum flab! ;) Ow ow!

Sleep: Honestly?! More than last week! I'm sleeping about 6+hrs a night, but mostly because Walter has been AMAZING at the night shift! He's off work and has no problem getting up with lil man half of the time.

Best moment this week: Seeing my son for the first time!

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it. (Still)

Movement: He's my wiggle worm! Super strong, and I'm already fighting with him because he's constantly pulling his head up! You've gotta watch this one! ;)

Food cravings: I cannot wait to have a margarita!

Anything making you queasy/sick? Nope 

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: It's so nice to not have to watch for these anymore! He's here!

Symptoms: healing from the episiotomy and getting used to leaking everywhere lol

Belly button in or out? It's definitely no longer flat! :)

Wedding rings on or off? Off... but now that I think of it I can't wait to get those suckers back on!

Happy or moody most of the time: Elated. Giddy. Blessed.

Weekly wisdom: All this time, I've been waiting to be Sullivan's mom. God knew exactly who Sully would be and was preparing me for him and preparing him for me. From the moment I first saw him, I knew he was the one I was waiting for.

What stereotype I embody: I'm tearful. I cried when we got to bring him home. I cried when he was a week old. I cried when he lost his circumcision ring. I cried when he lost his umbilical cord. I cried when I looked at him and he was especially adorable... lol

What I bought this week: Grammy and Nana have saved the day by dropping off newborn outfits a little at a time! Mommy didn't buy many because she thought he wouldn't be fitting into them. :/ Whoops! lol

What I checked off my to-do list: Sullivan's home and we're still living life like normal for the most part. I've cleaned up the house a bit. We've went to dinner a few times. We've visited family, and we've had family visit. We've done his newborn photos. I'm still blogging and Walter is still playing PS3! :)

Looking forward to: The last few moments/days/weeks of pregnancy and meeting my little man!!! Could I really say anything else? :)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Bump Update: 38 Weeks


How far along? 38 weeks! (and he's still baking!)

Size of baby: Let's just leave it as BIG from this point out, LOL. He's definitely over 20 inches and 7lbs now... and we've been told if I go the full 40 weeks he'll be close to 10lbs!

Milestones: Sullivan will now be gaining about 1/2lb every week until birth! 

Total weight gain: Just up another pound! :) +8 total from conception!

Maternity clothes: Wearing 'real' clothes (anything but yoga pants and a way too small T-shirt/tank top) is hard. Leaving the house has been a new kind of interesting just trying to COVER everything!

Unglamorous body changes: Nothing new

Sleep: Still about 4hrs a night, and I'm still handling it (shockingly) well! Trying to get sleep when I can, and when I can't it's just time to go on with the day anyway! ;)

Best moment this week: Walter asking every morning, "Is TODAY the day Momma?" :) It makes me such a happy woman to see my husband so excited!

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it. 

Movement: He's dropped so low, I swear I can feel him (still) inching his way down! (OUCH)

Food cravings: Fresh fruit. Deviled Eggs. I even ate a BBQ sandwich and thought it was delicious (and I seriously am disgusted by BBQ usually!)

Anything making you queasy/sick? indigestion is a little better this week, but I'm beginning to run low on Tums nonetheless... lol

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: Everything I read says I'm in "pre-labor" or "labor warm-up"! Cramps, baby dropping, BURSTS of energy to nest (finally!), etc

Symptoms: achy body, indigestion, cramping

Belly button in or out? Not 'in'. Not 'out. Flat.

Wedding rings on or off? Off

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody. Simple enough. 0 to 60 in one second. Sorry! :)

Weekly wisdom: God's timing was good enough to make Sullivan, it's good enough to bring him to my arms. :) Lord, I'm doing my best not to be anxious!

What stereotype I embody: "Can you believe we are going to have a baby?! Like, SOON. Like, SOON SOON!!!" to just about everyone I know. I know you've all seen my tummy grow for 9 months, but I guess I've missed it and am just realizing it LOL

What I bought this week: In a burst of energy-nesting I cleaned up the house and realized our re-purposed nightstand/storage shelf in Sullivan's room wasn't doing the trick, so I got a new one from Target using the last of our baby shower gifts cards! It's going to work much better. I also got my breast pump ordered and on the way! (Thank you to my MIL and insurance!)

What I checked off my to-do list: I thought the nesting bug was nonstop, but I've been lucky with it. I've FINALLY caught it and it definitely comes in bursts. I've done a couple of projects, but only with an hour or two at a time, which Walter and I think is best anyway :)

Looking forward to: The last few moments/days/weeks of pregnancy and meeting my little man!!! Could I really say anything else? :)

Monday, April 15, 2013

A Fake; An Infertile Momma

Here I sit, with my son hiccuping in my belly and making it jump around, crying to myself and feeling like I am such a fake.
I am an infertile momma- what an oxymoron!- but it does exist and it lives in me.

I am nine months pregnant with my miracle baby boy. It's been a long road. Four years TTC, more rounds of drugs than I want to count/admit, two IVF cycles... and it was all worth it. In the midst of it everything seemed to go so slow, every day was a day of torture and a day that reminded me of my broken body and empty womb. Now, the days seemed to have flown by, and I can't believe that any moment now I could be holding my son. My son!

I am like a normal pregnant woman. I wake up multiple times a night to pee/readjust my aching body, I cry to my husband for no apparent reasons except that everything makes me tearful, and I complain -yep, every pregnant woman will no matter how badly we've wanted the pregnancy. When I was TTC, I thought I would never, ever complain once I got pregnant because I was above that, I was different, and because I wanted this so badly I would smile throughout the entire time.

I started out okay. :) The first time I vomited because of morning sickness I had to pull over to a gas station and vomit for about 15 minutes. I walked out of the gas station, with a smug grin on my face and feeling so accomplished and successful. Passerbys may have thought I hooked up in the bathroom or something, lol. I then called my husband to cry and tell him how happy I was! I got stretch marks and wore them proudly and hashtaged #earningmystripes because I was thrilled that my tummy was stretching because of my growing baby.

I wasn't always perfect, but I was careful. I whined to my husband and I whined to me bestie all the while saying "I'm so happy, but..." and "I am SO thankful, but..." and "I wouldn't trade it for the world... but..." and they understood where my heart was. I didn't feel the need to whine on Facebook about my potty breaks, or my 'fat'.

Then I hit 36 weeks.

It was like I hit a wall. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of not sleeping. My back is killing me. I feel like my stomach is hanging between my knees, and my legs look like tree trunks. I think I'm having BH and contractions, and I'm frustrated about not knowing when I'll labor, or how it'll go and I can't plan for it and... yes, I'm panicking. I'm panicking just like a normal, first time momma would and I'm complaining (still as sensitively as possible) because I. JUST. WANT. IT. TO. END!

But wait.

Do I?!

I'll probably never be pregnant again. Sullivan will never be attached to me again. I'll be back to being 'just' (my feelings, not truth) an infertile woman who can't ovulate or get pregnant on her own. I'll once again feel like I'm wearing those scarlet letters of IF vs the sign of a happy glowing preggo lady. I'll be 'broken' again. It will be over.

Typing that out just breaks my heart. Yes, Walter and I will *always* be 'trying' to have another. And yes, we will be classified as a couple going through 'secondary infertility' and could always get help again. But I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to the stress, and the monthly disappointment  and the obligatory sex on 'heart days'.

My emotions are all over the place right now, and I just have this amazing burden on my heart. I will be a mom- the best one I can be!- and I will be an advocate for infertility. And if this makes me a fake, then so be it. However, infertility is a scar that never completely heals or blends in. Infertility changes your sex life, the relationship with your spouse, and it even changes pregnancy/parenthood. While I am waiting for baby #2, however baby #2 comes into our lives, and always and forever I will be a infertile momma and I will be proud of it because I have fought the fight and I have won... and I'm not about to give up anytime soon.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Seasons of Motherhood

Call me crazy, or call me sane... but I feel like I've been a mother for years.

Motherhood ISN'T just the chaotic schedule, and the midnight feedings, and the boogie wiping. If that's all it is to you then I'm sorry to say... but I believe you're doing it wrong.

Motherhood is about caring for someone more than yourself. It's about smiling through a thankless job and trying to see the blessing in it. It's about having a love so deeply buried in your heart, that nothing -ABSOLUTELY NOTHING- can change it.

In the years of TTC, I would wish to be a mommy... but I've learned that I was a mommy all along. I loved my babies (those in heaven and those not yet created) more than myself and taking daily injections and heartbreak was necessary to show that. Maybe I didn't have to watch Dora... but I think I did my share of putting them first, even without seeing their little faces to remind me how special they truly are. I was already so in love with them.

My responsibility in motherhood wasn't to rock or feed or soothe my babies. My responsibility in motherhood was to work hard to get healthy, and to research like crazy, and to lose sleep because of late night prayer sessions... and so much more.

Maybe you think I'm crazy. Maybe you think a woman TTC could never have the same feelings or responsibly as a "real mom". You may be reading this and scoffing, and thinking to yourself "Oooooh she'll see when she has that baby...". Maybe you're right. But maybe, just maybe... you're wrong.

I'm both happy and sad that not every woman is able to experience infertility. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that's FOR SURE... but I also have gained so much insight from it that I can't even begin to blog about it or put it in words. Hopefully, over time (and when I finally get "that baby" here in my arms), I will be able to express how Motherhood begins with a desire not with a birth.

Until then my season of motherhood is constantly changing. Right now it's not just pregnancy, and it's not just preparing for a newborn. It's speaking out, and teaching other moms that hard days happen -yes, absolutely- but that we can't feel sorry for ourselves. We can't claim to never have the time, or the help, etc if we don't accept the help from others and realize that Daddy's also have their own seasons of Daddyhood. Strange how we don't hear much about Fatherhood, do we? They are more than capable, I promise.

If you disagree, then you are more than welcome to. If you think I'll magically change my mind when I see how hard it is to have a newborn, then that's fine too. I guess we'll just have to find out together.

But until then, I have to ask, please respect women who are TTC, infertile, or who are pregnant after infertility. Their babies may not be in their arms, but don't think that they are not in our hearts. We may not have little sleep because of midnight feedings, but boy... would we kill to! We long to be able to make our facebook statuses about sick kids, and crazy busy sport schedules, and last-minute projects. :) None of these are terrible statuses at all (I can't wait to make them myself!), but remember that what you take for granted someone else is praying for.

This blog has been about my pregnancy recently, and I'm sure it will soon be filled with pictures of my beautiful little miracle baby... but don't ever forget that this blog is FIRSTLY about infertility, and teaching others how to cope with living in it, or teaching friends/family how to help. If that offends you, please stop reading this blog, because recently a fire has been lit under me to bring this awareness back to the surface and I. will. not. stop.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Bump Update: 37 Weeks (Full-term Baby!!!)


How far along? 37 weeks... my little mister is now full-term! (annnd has been given the great light by mommy -and doctor!- to come at any time!) 
Update on labor: I am 1 cm dilated, and almost fully effaced as of 37w1d :)

Size of baby: 19+ inches, 6+lbs... but Walter and I read that and laughed. We already know he's way over 6lbs! lol Our lil chunker :)

Milestones: Sullivan will now be gaining about 1/2lb every week until birth! 

Total weight gain: At my appointment we learned that I had gained just one more pound! This put me at 237, just +7lbs from conception! Which, let's be honest, is probably what Sully weighs now! LOL

Maternity clothes: I have two pairs of pants that fit. It's helping me keep up on laundry I guess, lol. Even a lot of my maternity shirts are getting really tight, and I'm not comfortable in them. T-shirts don't cover my belly at all anymore now that I'm measuring 41 WEEKS as well! Wow! I can't even begin to tell you how fast this has all flown and how typing all that is hitting me! :'( I'm so excited to meet him, but I cannot believe I'm already full-term and just weeks (or days!) from meeting my miracle.

Unglamorous body changes: My stripes are coming along nicely :) LOL

Sleep: Insomnia, nonstop bathroom breaks, hip pain, and more abound. I'm getting about 4 hrs a night, but luckily it's usually in a pretty good chunk of time. I've been falling asleep around 2:30-3:30AM and waking up when Walter leaves for work at 7:30AM. I don't know if it's because I'm so anxious, or if it's because it's new... but I'm not handling it as bad as I would have thought!

Best moment this week: Starting a birth pool with family and with Instagram friends. It's given me something to look forward to almost every day! :)

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it. 

Movement: Walter still teases me about how EXCITED I get EVERY time I see my belly rolling like the ocean. He swears I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. :) It's a treat every day!

Food cravings: Baked goods! Cheese danishes, gooey butter, coffee cake, etc! Mmmmm And popsicles!!!

Anything making you queasy/sick? Just the cruddy indigestion that sticks around... at least it's not heartburn!

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: BH, and a couple REAL CONTRACTIONS I think!!! 

Symptoms: achy body, indigestion, cramping

Belly button in or out? Walter tells me it's starting to be VERY flat and almost beginning to poke out... but it hasn't yet. Yes, "Walter tells me" because it's hard to see it! He has dropped BIG TIME!

Wedding rings on or off? Off

Happy or moody most of the time: I'm moody. I want pregnancy to end. I don't want pregnancy to end. How will it end? WHEN will it end? Should I enjoy this moment? Will it be our last dinner out as two? Will this be our last night? I'm such a planner... this "at any time" thing is KILLING ME ALREADY!!! :) lol

Weekly wisdom: I feel in NO way, shape, or form ready for a baby!!! ...thus, I've realized by acknowledging that I'm as close as I'm going to get. As the crazy obsessed planner previously mentioned, I'm impressed with myself knowing that I can give the "stuff to do" to God and just know it will get done 'in time', or it won't... Either way, we'll be okay!

What stereotype I embody: Just call me momma list-maker! :)

What I bought this week: I think nothing. I've spent a lot of time on the couch this week. 

What I checked off my to-do list: I've tried to catch the nesting bug, but right now all I've got is the "I should be doing [this]... but whatever" bug :( We did have another training day with the dogs and trainer, which is good! We also did a last minute maternity shoot with my sister at Forest Park! Yep, I walked the park (in flip flops) and then climbed around on rocks (in heels!) 9 months pregnant! ;)

Looking forward to: The last few moments/days/weeks of pregnancy and meeting my little man!!! Could I really say anything else? :)

I love these girls. Have to admit, I'm worried about giving them enough time when Sully comes! :(

Maternity shoot!

Took my cousin to go see a movie for her birthday :)

DROPPED even more (only a 5 day difference!)

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Bump Update: 36 Weeks


How far along? 36 weeks

Size of baby: 18+ inches, 5+lbs (but Sullivan is weighing in at 6lbs 10oz at 35w2d!! Eek!)

Milestones: Sullivan will now be gaining about 1/2lb every week until birth! 

Total weight gain: I've lost a few pounds since the jump in weight due to fluids, I'm now sitting at +6lbs from conception weight (230lbs).

Maternity clothes: So my regular jeans are starting not to fit anymore, and I only have one pair of maternity jeans. I WILL NOT buy any more maternity clothes. That would just be silly at this point! 

Unglamorous body changes: Not too much new development

Sleep: I started sleeping on the couch. The springs in the bed were really hurting my hips, and after falling asleep on the couch one night I realized that that had helped a lot! Sleep is still not great, but I'm getting about 6 hrs a night!

Best moment this week: Officially crossing over into Sullivan's birth month!!! Wow! And learning more about my super healthy, super big, baby boy during his last ultrasound! His feets are already 3 inches! Yikes!

Miss anything? I would give up ANYTHING for this baby and not miss it. 

Movement: He's still squirmy and likes to hang out on the right side of my belly!

Food cravings: Honestly? Not a lot sounded good this week at all... :S I've been chewing Tums like crazy though, because I've been having indigestion issues.

Anything making you queasy/sick? That gross acidic taste in my mouth. Bleh!

Gender: It's a BOY! Sullivan James Wallheimer 

Labor Signs: BH

Symptoms: achy body, and fatigue

Belly button in or out? Still in! :)

Wedding rings on or off? Off

Happy or moody most of the time: I'm thinking I'm getting moody, and I'm trying to watch it!

Weekly wisdom: Something I had to learn after infertility during pregnancy: EVERYONE will complain about pregnancy. It's just human nature. No one is safe, lol. Something I had to learn during pregnancy after infertility: Complain to your husband, or your best friend, and keep that crap off social media! That goes for most of our whining. 

What stereotype I embody: I am constantly Google-ing. Everything. Is this normal? Is that? Does this mean labor? Is he growing at the right rate? Etc, etc, etc... lol

What I bought this week: I didn't buy anything for Sullivan, but we're still getting wonderful gifts in the mail from friends! I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we all are! I did however, buy myself new yoga pants, slipper socks, and a robe for the hospital! OW OW!

What I checked off my to-do list: I started packing my hospital bag! So weird!

Looking forward to: Hopefully getting at least a little bit of that nesting bug energy! Because I am SO not feeling it now! Uh-oh! :S

Sullivan and his BIG feet (3 inches already!!!)...

AND his crabby face! lol Just like Daddy's!