Call me crazy, or call me sane... but I feel like I've been a mother for years.
Motherhood ISN'T just the chaotic schedule, and the midnight feedings, and the boogie wiping. If that's all it is to you then I'm sorry to say... but I believe you're doing it wrong.
Motherhood is about caring for someone more than yourself. It's about smiling through a thankless job and trying to see the blessing in it. It's about having a love so deeply buried in your heart, that nothing -ABSOLUTELY NOTHING- can change it.
In the years of TTC, I would wish to be a mommy... but I've learned that I was a mommy all along. I loved my babies (those in heaven and those not yet created) more than myself and taking daily injections and heartbreak was necessary to show that. Maybe I didn't have to watch Dora... but I think I did my share of putting them first, even without seeing their little faces to remind me how special they truly are. I was already so in love with them.
My responsibility in motherhood wasn't to rock or feed or soothe my babies. My responsibility in motherhood was to work hard to get healthy, and to research like crazy, and to lose sleep because of late night prayer sessions... and so much more.
Maybe you think I'm crazy. Maybe you think a woman TTC could never have the same feelings or responsibly as a "real mom". You may be reading this and scoffing, and thinking to yourself "Oooooh she'll see when she has that baby...". Maybe you're right. But maybe, just maybe... you're wrong.
I'm both happy and sad that not every woman is able to experience infertility. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that's FOR SURE... but I also have gained so much insight from it that I can't even begin to blog about it or put it in words. Hopefully, over time (and when I finally get "that baby" here in my arms), I will be able to express how Motherhood begins with a desire not with a birth.
Until then my season of motherhood is constantly changing. Right now it's not just pregnancy, and it's not just preparing for a newborn. It's speaking out, and teaching other moms that hard days happen -yes, absolutely- but that we can't feel sorry for ourselves. We can't claim to never have the time, or the help, etc if we don't accept the help from others and realize that Daddy's also have their own seasons of Daddyhood. Strange how we don't hear much about Fatherhood, do we? They are more than capable, I promise.
If you disagree, then you are more than welcome to. If you think I'll magically change my mind when I see how hard it is to have a newborn, then that's fine too. I guess we'll just have to find out together.
But until then, I have to ask, please respect women who are TTC, infertile, or who are pregnant after infertility. Their babies may not be in their arms, but don't think that they are not in our hearts. We may not have little sleep because of midnight feedings, but boy... would we kill to! We long to be able to make our facebook statuses about sick kids, and crazy busy sport schedules, and last-minute projects. :) None of these are terrible statuses at all (I can't wait to make them myself!), but remember that what you take for granted someone else is praying for.
This blog has been about my pregnancy recently, and I'm sure it will soon be filled with pictures of my beautiful little miracle baby... but don't ever forget that this blog is FIRSTLY about infertility, and teaching others how to cope with living in it, or teaching friends/family how to help. If that offends you, please stop reading this blog, because recently a fire has been lit under me to bring this awareness back to the surface and I. will. not. stop.