God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Hopeful Road Ahead...

So today was a very busy day to me. Firstly, I had my first appointment with my new OB/GYN doctor. The wait until the appointment felt like it took forever, and sitting in the waiting room made the minutes tick by even slower.
After speaking with her assistant, and then speaking with her, my head is still swimming. Thinking of options, the emotional roller coaster I'm feeling, and even just how plain hungry I was! :) I think she's very good at her job; she answered all my questions. She put to rest my "what if's" and really took me step by step. She's slightly short, but I guess I'm not looking for a friend here... just someone to understand and MAKE ME A MOMMA! :)
So, how she explained it to me, is she sets you up on a 6mo. plan and as long as things go smoothly we carry on with the plan. If there is a snag along the way, we stop and regroup and re-direct "the plan" for a new set of about six months.

1) Blood tests. Check Rubella immunity, thyroid, and a few other blood tests to test for PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome). If this is to be found, we stop and talk again. I will also be doing the 2 hour glucose tolerance test where I get to drink lots of ick and sit and be bored for two hours.
2) Semen analysis.
3) Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes and watch to make sure it flows through and that my tubes are not blocked or obstructed. This will most likely give me intense cramping for 2 or more hours.
and, if we've made it to this point... it looks like in November-December will be...
4) Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)! My doctor is willing to do this for possibly 4 cycles (at MOST!) if everything seems to go well (but without pregnancy). This means possible pregnancy anytime from December-March! Believe it or not, a typical couple TTC has a 15%-20% chance of conceiving on any given month. With this, I will have a 10% chance of conceiving!

Hope. Hopeful is all I can say when I think of how I am feeling. Walter and I discussed it all pretty deeply tonight, and really decided to set boundaries on how far we will go. Yes, we would to have a child who "looks and acts like us" and I would love to be pregnant, but to be honest, I just don't feel called to invest large amounts of money and time into it. I would much rather adopt. We decided there is no way we will participate in surrogacy. However, we may be willing to do artificial insemination if the problem lies there. Pretty much after "the plan" above, if I'm not pregnant by March we're moving on. Yes, I'm dying to be pregnant! But, even more so, I'm dying to be a mother. Right now I'm spinning so many plates. Doctors appointments, foster care homework, being sick from medication, adoption networking... it would just be nice to set down some of the plates. I truly believe that if we have to hang up being biological parents, although a heartbreaking pill to swallow, that I will be able to grieve for a short while and have true peace with it.

Please pray for Walter and I. At this point, we have no idea what insurance will cover, but from what we've checked out do far... it doesn't look like much. :( These next few months are going to be extremely expensive for us. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm thinking of making and selling crafts to help fund. Would you be interested in buying a cute craft for a good cause? Please let me know.

On another note, tonight Walter and I went and spent time with Sarah and Mike's twin boys. I'm so in love with them already. SO adorable. It was nice. I think he was nervous at first, but really wanting to get familiar with new babies. I'm pretty sure he left pretty proud of himself. He was pretty awesome. :) Lord, thank You for this hope. I pray I can actually sleep tonight; I'm so very excited. I wish we could have started the process yesterday! :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Grateful for this Season

So, on this day, a day in which I was able to nanny Michael (a 2 year old I adore!) again I think of the fun things we've got to do today and other times we've hung out together. Tears almost well up in my eyes when I think of the last time he came to spend a few hours with me. My husband had the day off of work, and while he mowed the lawn Michael and I dance to his favorite TV show and then he helped me clean the bunny cage. Afterwards, we three went to the park to play. The leaves were falling from the tree, and all three of us filled the air with laughter. We took a walk and played "I Spy" and I couldn't help but wish we were parents. Another morning with him this morning went the same. We ran errands together, sang and danced, had a trip to the park... On these days, I really wish I had a list of all those things young moms told me to "enjoy while I can" because I can't think of ANYTHING more enjoyable than this. So! With Michael with his mom, and with a clearer head, I am going to make that list I wished for earlier! :) Because there still is nothing my heart wants more right now than to be a mom, however, no sense in giving up the luxuries while the nursery is empty. Here is a list of things I will appreciate NOW because I can appreciate being a mom:

1) The 'extra' money in our budget going towards things we want.
2) Sleeping throughout the night.
3) Watching horror movies out in the open.
4) Alone time with my husband.
5) Sex. Any time. ;)
6) Going out with friends, or out to dinner, on a whim.
7) Postponing trips to the grocery store because another night of Ramen is no big deal.
8) Road trips, traveling.
9) Drinking with dinner, or champagne just because!
10) Mission trips without guilt.
11) Having a few less distractions to pursue God.
12) Watching my favorite television show uninterrupted.
13) Listening to the occasional vulgar rap or Gaga song in the car.
14) Not having to spell the words like "desert", "bedtime", or "shit".
15) Actually, not having a bedtime.
16) Going to the movies.
17) Going to a restaurant without a playplace.
18) Hours of scrapbooking, playing video games, reading...
19) Still being kids ourselves. Whether that be acting goofy at the grocery store, or throwing a bit of a tantrum after a bad day.
20) Not loading a diaper bag, stroller, car seat, etc everywhere. Carrying only my purse, my Bible, or my cell phone.
21) Not stepping on legos or cheap McDonald toys while walking around the house.
22) Dinner for two can sometimes be a bag of potato chips at 10pm.
23) Having conversations all day with your spouse and not one of them end up about the school system, 'diaper blowouts', or spit up in whatever places.
24) The trip to Wal-Mart at 1 a.m. is to get the next movie for the at-home marathon, not a sleep-deprived trip to get diapers.
25) Not having to worry about where the electrical socket fob went, or having glass jars of candles on every surface.
26) We can decide to go to a concert instead of paying the electric bill during spring and fall and not have a mindful of worry if it is shut off.
27) The backseat of my car is for projects, groceries, friends... not bulky car seats that smash gummi bears into the upholstery.
28) Laundry can wait.
29) Taking however long I want to 'get cute' before leaving.
and lastly...
30) Knowing that the best is yet to come. <3

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Loss to Gain

After un-blocking the many cute 'baby bump' photos of my friends and my friends of friends... I've decided it's time to loose the weight... to gain the weight. :) Because I already look like I could pass to be 3 or more months pregnant, it's time to loose it! Seriously. When the time comes, if the time comes, I would LOVE to have such cute baby bump photos! SO! I'm going to loose the weight. Not starting Monday. Starting right now. At this very moment!

Also, some much delayed news... The first thing we were told to do when we annouced we were interested in adoption was "Network, network, NETWORK!" it helps us stay sane and because you never know who's friend had a cousin has a sister who is pregnant and ready to give the baby up for adoption. Hence, one of the many reasons for this blog. :) Well, I had a friend of a friend on facebook help me out two years ago by sending me a sweet care package while I was at YWAM, and Laura and I have been facebook friends ever since then. We had a lot in common, and from what she has told me, she followed my blog and my facebook posts pretty closely and wishing there was something she could do to help. Then, something awful and unexpected came to be, in which she also became pregnant. Laura is recently engaged, and has decided she does not want to start her marriage off with a child that will remind her of the horrible way the child was conceived. She believes someone else will be able to give that child more love than she would be able to. So, she contacted me. :) We are both still praying, and it is still a very new idea to the both of us... but it is also a ray of hope for us both. We are hoping to meet sometime this month.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

music to my ears, from my husband

when the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
when the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
to run and hide
escape the pain
but hiding's such a lonely thing to do
i can't stop the rain
from falling down on you again
i can't stop the rain
but I will hold you 'til it goes away
when the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
when the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone
so rest awhile
it'll be alright
no one loves you like I do
i can't stop the rain
from falling down on you again
i can't stop the rain
but I will hold you 'til it goes away
when the rain comes
i will hold you

third day - "when the rain comes"

Third Place?!

It may have been just a little while since I have last posted, but it feels like it may have possibly been a year or more. I feel like I have made so much progress, and I'm feeling less in control every day. :) I'm giving the control to God, and am handling it better than I think I ever have.
I just got back from a mission trip in Mexico. We did a lot of great work down there for our Father, and I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I was pregnant. I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I had young children... You know, I really believe that God will only allow the right spouse come into your life when He feels like He doesn't have to compete for affection. The first time in my life I put my Lord above finding a mate, I found my soul mate that only God had prepared for me. I'm thinking, maybe it's the same for children? Our God is a jealous God. He is jealous for our love, and though He deserves it more then anyone or anything, humanity seems to struggle with giving Him #1 rank. I won't deny that through the engagement process and being a newlywed takes my focus away from God at times. I won't deny that it would be impossible to live without my husband now, and that there are times I put my husband above my Lord. Is God waiting for the right timing? In which I have this season of leaning on Him and allowing Him to decide when we conceive, only in which I get in the 'habit' of seeking Him before my children? I won't deny that I already know my children would be fighting for my #1 spot... and at this point, it would be hard not to give it to them. When logically, I know they will all have to share the #3 spot. However, that just isn't how our world works now, is it? Even saying my children will be #3 kind of hurts to say. Doesn't seem fair to them. Doesn't seem 'right'. BUT, I know the best decision I can make for them is to put them behind my Lord and my husband.
Thank you Lord for giving me this season to learn this without the sleep deprivation, high emotions, and piling bills (more so, at least) that pregnancy and newborns bring.

Hi Sarah! It was so nice hanging with you all last night! :) My friend Sarah shared her newborn boys (3 wks) with me last night. It was nice to spend time with them all and not itch with jealousy. They are adorable, and I love them already. Lord, I think I can juggle two when the time comes! ;)