God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Youth is Wasted on the Young

(...Like a text message waiting for the send button to be hit, these blogs have been waiting in the shadows until a time they were ready to be released. Thank you so much for you patience and support during this time of seemingly silence.)

And yes, I am 24 typing that. I've always been told I had an 'old soul'... which you can never be too sure what that means. Can it mean that I'm mature for my age? Can it mean that I can sometimes be 'boring' due to my lack of interest to partying? Can it mean that the large volume of my friends list have daughters not much younger than I? Yes to all. So when I was asked by a friend of mine, to allow her younger sister of age 18 live with us for awhile, we very quickly said yes. Were we crazy to attempt to 'mother' a child only "SIX" years younger than us? Probably, but we (I, more of it) was up to the challenge. And Lord, has it been a challenge!

Firstly, let me say to all you new mothers out there... be thankful (other than obvious and painful reasons) that you deliver a cute and fresh little one VS a teenager. I'm pretty sure THIS is why we aren't born old and grow younger. :)

We put her on our cell phone plan, helped her arrange 'her' room the way she wanted, got her gifts and photos to decorate it and make it 'hers', gave her meals, and driving lessons (yes, she had not even learned to drive yet), and a computer user password, and trips to friends and the store... yet it seems as if we have given her nothing. She is ungrateful, and not once have we heard a 'thank you'. Sure, she is a teenager who feels entitled and sure, "Rome wasn't built in a day"... but when should we start to see a change in her? When can we begin to feel like we are actually HELPING yet instead of just being another spot to ENABLE her? It's been only three weeks, and we'll keep trying, but I'm just not sure where the line is...

This whole experience is helping a doormat like me learn where my buttons are and how many times I'll let someone push them before I break... but for now, I haven't said anything. Still a doormat, and being treated like one for now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Filled, but still Empty

I know I'm behind and haven't informed most of my blog followers, but Walter and I have our first 'placement' in our home! A girl! No, she's not from the foster system... lol. She's actually a friend's little sister who has left home and is trying to find her own way. Now I know we said we wouldn't take 11+, but we thought this would be a good exception. She is 18, and she is giving it her best try we think. There's a lot of growing up to do, but so did I when I was 18.
Having her here has been interesting to say the least, but we really are excited to be helping her out and having her fill the room that's stayed empty for so long... (actually, the last person that lived in the room was her older sister, a good friend of mine! haha). However, it does bring up a wide array of emotions, as most things do for me nowadays. I feel blessed to be able to help her, in a way I was once helped out when I moved into a couple's home from church... but it always brings up all those feelings of WHY we're able to give her that room... because I won't be bringing my daughter home from the hospital anymore. My daughter's in her own home in heaven now, which leaves us with an empty room in our heart and home once again.

By the way, for all of you who said it, Walter and I are not actively trying at this point... however, after feeling like crap and being almost 2 weeks late I thought I'd take a pregnancy test. Big Fat Negative. So there. "Not trying" doesn't always work either. Just one more myth I get to bust for y'all ')

Myself, the good friend Sarah, and the little sister Abi, the Halloween Sarah lived with us in 2008.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My 1st Mother's Day

This year I was able to 'celebrate' my first Mother's Day. It was a very strange and difficult day.

It started about a week ago, when Walter asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. My first reaction was immediately confusion, then I realized... and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed... I'm not sure I ever really answered him. I think I was just so happy and so excited that he wanted to acknowledge Gracie and I with this day, and also so very sad that Gracie and I had to spend it apart.
For the three weeks before Mother's Day I had been busy planning a surprise birthday for my dad that would be the day before (which was also the 5 month anniversary of Gracie's home in heaven...). I didn't get to give it much thought other than what I was getting for gifts for others. I had my mom, my mother-in-law, my sister, my aunt, and my husband's grandmother to shop for and think of...
Until the morning hit, I woke up knowing I was missing out. But ten seconds after my eyes opened, Walter was walking in the bedroom carrying a tray full of breakfast, a card, and my devotional book. I read my card, and ate my breakfast, and I was enjoying it all! :) He then read the devotional of the day to me... I'm not even surprised that it was about adversity, Job, and loving God even if He has taken everything else away from you. However, I did start to get a little emotional.
After breakfast I got ready and it was time to leave for church. On the way, I received a text from a friend that told me to 'stand proudly today'. Right away Jill, a woman I adore and love, greeted everyone for Mother's Day and said a prayer. Jill prayer for all the busy moms and then prayed for all the mothers who have children in heaven. She even prayed for those who feel the ache and longing of being a mom, and for the children who have lost their moms. (Jill, I couldn't wait to hug you! So excited we had an 'excuse' to get together right after! I'm so lucky to know you, and see your beautiful example of handling grief. Your video, prayers, and singing were beautiful.) Immediately I broke down. I sat through the entire service quietly (or doing my best at least!) crying. I don't think it was a sad cry, and it wasn't quite a joyful cry... I think it was just a cry of grief, but a cry of grief that knows the good to come. At the end of service that asked for moms to stand. I stood for Gracie.
I came home to a 'Happy 1st Mother's Day' card from another good friend. The card was perfect. It even had a teal butterfly on it, something that ALWAYS reminds me of Grace. It felt so amazing. Both cards are now displayed proudly on my shelf in the living room, and will never see the trash.
I also got a few texts and Facebook messages, and I just wanted to say thank you for all of you who remembered me this Mother's Day. You are made the day not only bearable, but joyous.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to:
Walter Wallheimer, Leah Whitaker, Jill Winslow, Sarah Starrett, Britney Walden, Mallory Koesterer, Danielle Nyswonger, Rhonda Agne, Marie Colon...and of course, Gracie's Grandma :) (Thanks Momma!)
and to everyone else who wished me a Happy Mother's Day or have been praying for me. You've made this the best 1st Mother's Day a mother of an angel could ever have. <3

Friday, May 6, 2011

Preconception Mompetition

This video is so true. Cracks me up! lol

humility in humility

Well... even in my times that I'm feeling humbled can God take me to a new level of brokenness for Him and teach me about my own depravity. Have you even felt the most humble? Sometimes, it's hard to be humble about being humble isn't it? I think that's where I was.
Through all of this, as many of you have read, I've really given God control over our family this past month or so. Walter and I aren't even 'trying' anymore. If a pregnancy comes, then we will be surprised, that's for sure! :) Although there are no longer hearts on the four dates of the month, and there no longer is a Date Night because we have to in the 'right' timing. I have really realized how insignificant I must have made my husband feel.
Anyways, as you can read, I'm feeling a lot of peace in this time. Knowing God is in control and we will have a baby or child when He sees fit. I'm content, and sometimes so content it's hard not to tell my friends or neighbors... or women in the checkout line of Walgreen's.
I didn't realize until last night that I had begun to 'toot my own horn' and get proud about my... well, humility to the Lord. Walter and I use to have a joke about those types, "I'm the MOST humble!" we'd squeal and laugh ourselves until almost tears. However, I recently have become one. I feel so content with my husband, and have been telling so many people how much I am enjoying life that I now realize, my very best friend has been struggling with not being with 'The One' for awhile now. It was a common thread that helped us bond: We both felt cheated about the season of life God had put us in. Now that I've come to realize it on my terms, am I making it unbearable for her?
This thought only came into my mind when after a tense day at work Walter came home frustrated, with little patience, and quite an attitude. After a tense dinner and small group, I came to him and wanted to talk about it. Soon after, we were screaming and crying and in the heat of the worst fight we'd had in almost a year. Over nothing! We crawled into bed very late, but we're on 'snuggling terms' at least. I immediately felt right to sleep, possibly the only positive to a good fight is that it works better than Tylenol PM, and didn't wake up until the alarm went off. I lie there, miserable of who I am and how I had allowed it to get that bad. I was just kicking myself for all that had went on, and I knew he was lying next to me doing the same.
We've had to give extra assurance to each other that we love each other, we're teammates, and that fights happen... but I think we're both still confused on how and why it got that bad. Do I believe God forced me to scream and yell at my husband? No. That is not of God. Do I believe that God took a weak time to show Walter and I our own faults and brokenness... and that we possibly pushed it unto one another? I think my Lord taught me humility in humility in a way I would understand- in a way that in the end, brought me one step closer to my Christ, one step closer to my husband, and one step closer to the perfect example I am striving to be as a Christian.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Grace at my heart

I was finally able to host a party for the jewelry artist I had previously blogged about, and just recently got my necklaces. Not only was I able to get something beautiful for my beloved daughter, but I got something for Walter & I as well! The pieces turned out amazing, and I am sure they will not be my last order. :) Be sure to check Jennifer out on her Facebook page or at her personal website for me, and give this amazing woman some support by 'liking' her page, checking out her art pieces, or even placing an order for yourself! She is helpful, fun-loving, and you get your treasures back so fast after ordering!

I love having 'Grace' around my neck and at my heart, it really helps me feel like another 'stamp' of her short life here on Earth. She will not be forgotten. She will not be overlooked. She is always on my heart, and always on my mind.