God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Friday, May 6, 2011

humility in humility

Well... even in my times that I'm feeling humbled can God take me to a new level of brokenness for Him and teach me about my own depravity. Have you even felt the most humble? Sometimes, it's hard to be humble about being humble isn't it? I think that's where I was.
Through all of this, as many of you have read, I've really given God control over our family this past month or so. Walter and I aren't even 'trying' anymore. If a pregnancy comes, then we will be surprised, that's for sure! :) Although there are no longer hearts on the four dates of the month, and there no longer is a Date Night because we have to in the 'right' timing. I have really realized how insignificant I must have made my husband feel.
Anyways, as you can read, I'm feeling a lot of peace in this time. Knowing God is in control and we will have a baby or child when He sees fit. I'm content, and sometimes so content it's hard not to tell my friends or neighbors... or women in the checkout line of Walgreen's.
I didn't realize until last night that I had begun to 'toot my own horn' and get proud about my... well, humility to the Lord. Walter and I use to have a joke about those types, "I'm the MOST humble!" we'd squeal and laugh ourselves until almost tears. However, I recently have become one. I feel so content with my husband, and have been telling so many people how much I am enjoying life that I now realize, my very best friend has been struggling with not being with 'The One' for awhile now. It was a common thread that helped us bond: We both felt cheated about the season of life God had put us in. Now that I've come to realize it on my terms, am I making it unbearable for her?
This thought only came into my mind when after a tense day at work Walter came home frustrated, with little patience, and quite an attitude. After a tense dinner and small group, I came to him and wanted to talk about it. Soon after, we were screaming and crying and in the heat of the worst fight we'd had in almost a year. Over nothing! We crawled into bed very late, but we're on 'snuggling terms' at least. I immediately felt right to sleep, possibly the only positive to a good fight is that it works better than Tylenol PM, and didn't wake up until the alarm went off. I lie there, miserable of who I am and how I had allowed it to get that bad. I was just kicking myself for all that had went on, and I knew he was lying next to me doing the same.
We've had to give extra assurance to each other that we love each other, we're teammates, and that fights happen... but I think we're both still confused on how and why it got that bad. Do I believe God forced me to scream and yell at my husband? No. That is not of God. Do I believe that God took a weak time to show Walter and I our own faults and brokenness... and that we possibly pushed it unto one another? I think my Lord taught me humility in humility in a way I would understand- in a way that in the end, brought me one step closer to my Christ, one step closer to my husband, and one step closer to the perfect example I am striving to be as a Christian.

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