God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Words Can't Title This Title

***** Many of you have been able to semi-follow the roller coaster these last few weeks have put us on... but for those who didn't or couldn't... I knew I was going to have to blog about it. I'm sure I'll be glad I did someday, but I had to put it off for quite awhile for many different reasons, so I apologize for that. I am not promising this will be the best written piece in the world, because I am now preparing myself to type through tears... but here it is. Some of the following has been saved on my computer because some of the following I was able to write during the right timing, but could not post it to the blog because it was supposed to be a surprise. Other parts of the following I will have to fill in with my best memory. The rest of the following is going to be types today, a week later. It is the first time I've been able to even consider typing it all out, so here goes...


Walter has the day off today, and we’re cleaning my mom’s house and babysitting Michael. I’m on day 43 of my cycle and starting to get nervous again. Will my period ever come?! Why can’t I get on consistent cycle?! It’s so frustrating! However, I’ve been having pre-period symptoms for awhile now, it shouldn’t be much longer. I took a pregnancy test a little while ago and it was negative so I'm just hoping at this point I won't have to go back on medication to help me start this month's cycle!

Whew, Thank God! Late today there was spotting, so I’ve finally started… just may be off to a slow start.

I’m confused. There was no bleeding all night long…? I’m having really bad cramps, and have slept in. I need to get up and moving, painful as it is, and get over to help mom with Thanksgiving. As I got moving, the pain lessoned… or it could have been the couple glasses of wine I had for Thanksgiving! ;)

Seriously painful cramps all day long. Late at night, around 11pm, it was so painful I felt like I should be in labor or something. By midnight I was screaming in pain trying everything to make it better. I tried sitting down, I tried laying, I tried walking, I tried getting in a warm tub, I tried Midol... When I went to the bathroom, I had a huge gush of blood. Maybe my period is just being strange this time due to it being so late...? With my luck, it's a holiday weekend and there's no way I'm going to get ahold of my doctor!
Then I get to thinking… am I having a miscarriage?! I took a test earlier this week that was negative, but maybe I’ve missed something! I did drink a little yesterday, I did do some heavy lifting last week… oh my gosh, what am I going to do?! I do some quick internet research, and with every word I read I am more and more positive I am... or was... pregnant!! ...and I’ve done these things… why did I do this?!! This is the first month I haven’t tracked like crazy to know my fertile time and I'm so confused on what is happening! There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep. I am blaming myself constantly for possibly murdering the only child I will ever be blessed with and thinking of the baby he/she could have been. My heart feels to be caving in.

Still awful cramping, but the feeling of guilt is worse. My mom came by with a heating blanket and massaging pad to try and make me feel better and it helped a bit. She tried to cheer me up saying, “Well now we know you CAN get pregnant!” and it helped a little, but the guilt was still just overtaking all emotions.
We called the on-call doctor and since I needed to have an HSG (where they shoot dye through your tubes to make sure they are fully open) this week anyways, they decided to just schedule that and see if there’s anything else that needed to be needed at that time. “Most miscarriages this early take care of themselves” the woman said, "but it's possible you'll need another procedure called a DNC to help flush your body of the miscarriage- which is what we're thinking has happened."

We skipped church. To be honest, I said I wanted to sleep in… but I think I wanted to hide from God. Sounds silly, but at that time I thought I possibly could. I'm not sure if I was more mortified of being the mother that didn't know she killed her child, or if I just wanted to die right then myself.

Called the doctor to explain my symptoms and get an appointment for the HSG. Cramping is gone, guilt still there. The HSG has been scheduled for Thursday, on Walter’s day off. She told me to take a pregnancy test at home, or they could take one the day-of just to make sure I wasn’t still pregnant. "Just as a precautionary" the nurse tells me. I didn’t want to take one here. It was just a waste. I couldn’t see the negative sign knowing it could have been a positive… I couldn’t take anymore heartbreak!

Just tried to run some errands today, but felt paralyzed. Just was in an awful mood and didn’t want to do much. So I didn’t.

Walter and I ordered a pizza after he got home from work so we could go to communion at church… but as the night when on, I chickened out. I told him I couldn’t go, but that I would commit to going back Sunday. I was feeling awful, the emotional toll this has taken on me was just too much.
We stayed up late, played video games and...

…at 1:30AM I was getting ready for bed. I had to pee (for what felt like the 100th time that day) before I crawled in bed. As I walked to the bathroom I remembered a pregnancy test we had left. We bought the things in stock, and I figured I might as well take it. At least I could cry in the comfort of my home instead of the doctor's office when I saw the negative. Sixty seconds have passed and I see one line. Not pregnant… then I see a second line faintly. My world automatically begins to spin! I start yelling “Babe! Babe! Babe!” The tone of my voice must have told him to get a move on it because instead of the usual “What?!” or “Hold on ONE minute…” I heard him running towards the bathroom. I show him the test and we’re both looking at TWO LINES!!! He looks at me, on the verge of tears and says “It is faint babe…”. I nod. We are so used to the disappointment we don’t want to get too far ahead of ourselves. With another glance we see the second line as dark as the first, as if God is making it react to our concern! Both lines are now clear as TWO lines can be! I start bawling. Walter looks at it, and he does too.
But wait. Thinking of my research a few nights ago, I remember you can still show a + after a miscarriage for up to 2 weeks… Thinking a "more expensive" test will tell us, we both dash to Wal-Mart right away and get a digital test. We’re both laughing about how we’re “that couple” that rushes in at 2AM for a pregnancy test and rushes out… We were having the time of our lives laughing and so excited. We are on a pure high. I had been craving veggie pizza, so we pick up the ingredients for that as well. Our lives have forever changed.
The digital screen says “YES +” like it’s laughing we even took a second one.
I lie down at 3:30AM feeling like I’ll never get to sleep, but instead, I go right into a peaceful sleep and I dream of having a child all night long.
In the morning I jump out of bed, and wake Walter. I call my doctor and explain everything to her. She cancels my HSG appointment, and tells me to go have blood work done at the nearest lab. Blood drawn at 11AM, and we must sit and wait a few hours until the doctor can call us with the results.
3hours passed… for anyone else that might have been speedy, but we were watching every clock in the house like our lives depended on it. I finally call at 3PM, I can't wait a second longer, and a nurse calls me back at 3:30PM to tell me the results.
“You’re hCG levels are high, it looks as if you are definitely pregnant.” Walter is sitting across from me and I see his eyes start to water and a huge grim appear on his face, mine must have been doing the same. “Your levels are very high. Anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and your levels today are… 2,139. You may be further along than we all think, or it could be multiples.” My heart is going crazy, my mind can’t believe it. “Just to make sure, we would like you to do bloodwork again on Monday. Being pregnant, your levels should double everyday, so by tomorrow you should be over 4,000. But let’s do another test on Monday and we’re hoping to see at least 4,000. At this rate, we wouldn't be surprised to see 6,000 or even 10,000 though.” I hang up the phone. Walter and I are hugging and crying, hugging and crying every moment of the day. He immediately drops to his knees and kisses my tummy. "I love you baby, thank you for being here" he says. We hug and cry some more. :)
We're getting phone calls like crazy from my mom, my aunt, and his mom wondering how my HSG went. We knew we wouldn't be able to contain ourselves, we wouldn't be able to lie. At 5:30 we meet his parents at their house and tell them they are going to be grandparents! His mom cries a bit, and his dad smiles (which is HUGE for him! lol). 6:30pm we have plans to meet my parents for dinner. My mom cries and my dad is on the verge. The dinner is like a dream. I'm so excited to be a mommy!!!

When Walter wakes me up to leave for work he kisses my forehead (like usual) and pulls off the blankets and I feel him kiss my tummy before the door closes. I can't stop smiling.
Soda has already been cut out of my diet. I'm eating healthy food I don't feel like eating for the baby. I want a Coke and pizza... but the baby is getting yogurt and water (TONS of water) and orange juice and fruit.
I know I should wait, but hey NO ONE can tell me how to do this... this is MY time (and the baby's and my husband's of course). After talking with him, I decide to call Connie. "Grandma Connie" we've already coined for her. After all the grandparents know, we can't help ourselves. After getting the okay from each other, we tell about 5 friends each within the course of the day. "We're going to be parents! We're going to have a baby! The best thing in the whole world has happened!" Absolutely nothing can bring us down from our high. I have a shopping trip with my the girls I teach in Fusion planned for the night, and it is killing me not to share with everyone I see! But, because of the silly superstition I do my best to keep quiet.
I speak to the doctor, I am having awful cramps again and have to talk to my doctor on call. My doctor is out of town. "That's why I can't get a dammed ultrasound appointment!" I think to myself. She connects me to Dr. Amber Cooper, who has taken over my doctor's patients while my doctor is out of town for a conference. Although I am talking through the pain, Dr. Cooper does make me feel so much better about things. However, we do talk about the same pains I had a week earlier when I thought to have had a miscarriage. "It is possible there were multiples and you may have lost just one..." something I had been shoving to the back of my mind comes to surface. I had been thinking the same thing. "Okay, so let's talk about what's happening here. According to your pain, I'd say it's a 1%-3% chance it's an ectopic pregnancy. Maybe a 5%-10% chance you're having another miscarriage. So 90% chance it's just cramps. Some pregnant women get them and never know why." Her voice is calming, and I'm starting to feel better already. Sigh. I'm already an overreacting Momma! :) "Take two Tylenol and if it doesn't get better in an hour or two call me. I'll be in and we'll figure it all out." I do. The pain is better. I laugh at myself, and go to bed happy.

The baby and I spend the day with daddy. We snuggle and Walter is already talking to our little one. I've started a journal for the baby for when he/she is here and we're talking nursery. We know we're only 5-6 weeks... but we just can't help it! Our Little One has come!

This is a day (thinking back now) I don't remember much about. I know we didn't go to church, we spent the day together, and that night we went to Fusion. The topic was about forgiving others who have hurt us. The meeting was a blur. Before we start talking about people who have hurt us and if we've forgiven them, I wanted to help the girls feels safe in sharing... "Okay girls, I must remind you... whatever is said tonight stays between us and we do not talk about it outside of this group. Does everyone understand?" The girls are gabbing and so I force their attention my way and repeat. They don't understand and are wondering why I've said this (I can tell they didn't pay attention to the message beforehand...) until one of my girls calls out... "You're pregnant!! Aren't you?!" I look at her in shock. I can't believe this! By this moment all the girls are squealing in delight and I feel the smile stretched so tightly on my face. Sigh. So much for silly superstitions! :)

"The earlier you get to the lab, the earlier you get the results. So try to make it to the lab at least before noon if you want the results..." I remember the nurse saying. I get my cousins off to school that morning and am at the lab 7minutes after it has opened and I can't wait to give them blood!
I spend the rest of the day cleaning, but being careful not to pick up anything heavy or eat anything too unhealthy... I think about my baby every moment and before making a single decision I think of him/her. (To be honest, Walter and I have already guessed it's a girl)!
I journal for her, and we just sometimes lay on the couch and talk to her. When I get in the car, I sing loudly. "She may hear me!" I'm thinking singing so loudly to "Just the way you are" by Bruno Mars in the car.
The results aren't in yet today, but that's okay. I am anxious about nothing. I am going to spend every day of this pregnancy loving it.

The results of the new hCG still aren't in first thing in the morning, and my mom is being antsy enough for us all. "It's not s problem" I say. However, I'm starting to really just want the results to get away from the phone calls. Finally, my husband calls in and gets the lab to give me an answer. It's the day before my birthday and we'd like to tell the rest of the family at my birthday dinner. (Another honesty moment? We're still hoping for super high number for possible multiples!!). Finally around noon the nurse gives me a call back. They're worried. She breaks the news that my levels are only 3,900something (can't remember the exact number anymore) and she tells me I must have an immediate ultrasound. "The baby may be in distress!" she says hangs up. I should be expecting a call in just a short while. It's then my mom calls. I'm bawling. I tell her. I call Walter. No answer. I text him. "911! 911! 911!" My mom calls again, she's on her way. The doctor calls. My appointment is in an hour, hopefully sooner if I can get there. Walter calls back, "Come home! You have to come home now!" I scream. I tell him about the levels and the emergency. He calls his boss and he's on his way. He and my mom pull up to the home within minutes of each other. We all pile into her car, I'm bawling, and we make our way to the office.
I'm propped up and finally getting the ultrasound I've been so excited for... with my mom and Walter at my side! Things are just the way I dreamed of it to be!
...However I've seen enough ultrasounds to knew something was immediately wrong... my uterus is empty. No sign of our little one. I start crying. My mom and Walter, still confused, look on. I can't tell them, but I notice Walter is starting to look at me and understand without words. My mom is still looking, full of hope, until the ultrasound technician finally says the words out loud. "I see an ectopic pregnancy".
She goes and gets the doctor and I, full of sobs and tears, get dressed. "I'm finished! I don't ever want to try again. I'm done. I can't do this! She's alive! And they are going to kill her. I can't let them! I won't!" I know my protests are falling on deaf ears, and I know logically there is nothing I can do, but something inside me wants to attack anyone wanting to harm my baby. The doctor comes in and explains... "It's a good thing we've caught it now, another week you both would have been at risk, your tube could have burst." I have two options, she says. "We give a medicine, and 90% of woman with ectopic pregnancies go this route, that attacks fast-growing cells. It's a medicine they use for cancer patients, but a low dose attacks the pregnancy and you're able to pass it later" I am in a blank stare now. I feel dead. I feel literally like a dead person with eyesight. "... or we have surgery. In which we go in and remove the pregnancy ourselves. There is a chance of things going wrong, which we can talk about but..." "Let's do the surgery" I hear my dead voice say. I say it twice. She nods. "That's what I suggest as well for this specific pregnancy since it is far enough along that there is a heartbeat." I immediately think of the song I have been posting on my facebook page "I can hear your heartbeat... " the song sings. I loved posting that song and thinking of all the people in facebookland not knowing just yet. Our little one has a heartbeat? I saw it on the screen, and I knew it from the many pregnancy e-mails I had already signed up for... but when my doctor said it, it made it official. There was nothing I could say. I would helpless. I was hopeless. I just walked through the motions from this point on...
Within the hour I was being prepped for surgery. All the while trying to go through the motions, but saying goodbye to my little one inside my head. I felt like the world's worst mother. I have waited so long to be a mother, and I've failed my child within the first week of knowing him/her/them.
I say goodbye to Walter and my mom and am wheeled into surgery where I am strapped down to a bed and a mask put on my face. I know I am about to go to sleep. I am thinking of my little one. These are my last moments of being pregnant. I start to tear up, and my doctor takes off the mask for a moment... "You're going to make it, you're going to be okay. We'll work through this together..." she's reassuring me and looking at a screen over my head and before putting the mask on looks at me and says, "This is it! Do you want to go to the beach, or Europe?! Pick your happy place, and you'll be there soon!" I look at her smile and all I can think of is sitting on the couch in my living room feeding a baby in my arms while two other toddlers play on the rug in front of the TV...
I wake up to a woman taking my pants made of paper off to check for bleeding. A man is asking me about my tattoo. He's talking about something...? At this point I realize my baby (and my left fallopian tube) is gone. My sight is fuzzy, the beeping is loud, and I think I'm saying, "Can I just see my husband?" over and over again but no one is responding. My eyesight is getting a little better and finally they react to my pleading to see my husband. Next thing I know he and my mom and my dad are there. I am supposed to pass a list before I can go home. I am covered in iodine and stickers and they want me to go pee. I am supposed to clutch a pillow to my stomach and wheel the IV with me and try to pee in a bed pan. It is so painful, and when I look it is pure blood. I am sent back to bed with a Sprite and after another ultrasound am told it is not enough, I will have to try again soon if I want to do home. I down the Sprite, mostly because my new nurse if pregnant and I can't bear to look at her. I force myself to go to the bathroom, it is painful, and very labored... but enough. The nurses are shocked I've passed all the little tests to go home, since they usually have to keep women overnight, but they also understand that I want to wake up in my own home for my birthday. They get me into a wheelchair, and already are wiping down the beds and such. I get into the car and every bump is excruciating. We go to Walgreen's because I need to pee again. Every step is killing me and I am crying because I am so tired of moving. My mom fills my prescriptions while my husband waits outside of the bathroom to scoop me up again as soon as I open the door. We get home, I take a pill, and don't remember much else...

Happy birthday to me! :( Because of tradition, my aunt calls and leaves a message and I wake up to my dad calling me at 6:41AM (the time of my birth). Messages checked, calls returned and 'Happy birthday' sung I feel good that it is my birthday even though I am in large amounts of physical and emotional pain. Instead of tradition and spending the day with my mom shopping and eating out, my husband is by my side to help me with every painful and labored move. I received many messages from friends (who knew and who didn't know yet) and a visit from my in-laws with gifts and a gift from my sister-in-law and her husband... my mom called Walter almost hourly to check and my aunt did as well.
As in pain as I was, by late night I wanted to get out of the house so I decided to keep my plans for my birthday dinner. I was in much pain and it took me 4X the time to get ready, but I did it!

I was completely spent from the outing the night before.
A few more visitors came and many phone calls.
Walter had to go back to work, so my mom took the day off to help me move around when needed. She also did some housecleaning I couldn't do that was killing me and we sat around and talked all day. My aunt visited as well. It was very nice. I also say my maid-of-honor Mallory and our best-man Justin. Walter hid the pregnancy books around the home, the pregnancy e-mails, and all that could possibly send me into a fenzy to help me until I was ready. These items are still in a box in our office for now.
At this point, I was POSITIVE I never wanted to try to have a baby again. I was POSITIVE I wanted my other tube removed so this would NEVER happen again. My mom offered to pay for our first series of IVF. Walter and I were re-thinking of all our decisions we have made in the past and were thinking of IVF as a ray of hope. No tubes needed.

Walter was off again. We spent the day doing a little work around the house since I could move around a little better and was going crazy from living on a couch!
I decided to get out of the house a little bit and we went to The Cup in Edwardsville for cupcakes. On the drive there, I had panic attack after panic attack. I was afraid every person I saw knew about it and was going to ask me questions. We did some grocery shopping since I was getting better about being out and about.

My first day without someone. I was in the home alone, and really didn't do much. This was the first day I got on facebook to kind of let everyone know what was going on and to thank people for the birthday wishes.

Still hiding from church. I even hid from Fusion. I spent the say home, thinking of our baby.

Walter was off again. He made me breakfast (cinnamon pancakes- his specialty and my favorite!) and sang me happy birthday. This was my birthday with him.
I know I haven't said much about it until now, but this seems to be the most fitting time...
Through all of this I have fallen in love with my husband all over again a thousand times over. He is the most loving, caring, sweet... man I know. I could go on forever. How he's accepted me, and went beyond taking care of me... he's catered to me. And through it all, he has been heartbroken as well. He put his pain aside to take care of me, and I will never forget the intense love I felt for him. It was this day I decided that maybe I used up all of my "luck" getting the best husband in the world, that I may not having any luck left to have children.

We went to Chris and Lisa Wells' Fusion Appreciation party. It was the first time going out to see other people, besides family, and I knew I was going to be asked about it. I was, and answered, and have been fine. Almost like a peace, but I'm worried there is a wall built up inside of me. A wall that is holding back the floodgates and the anger of being without my little one. I'm afraid to poke at it, because even as I type this out now my eyes are dry. It's like I am writing a story, not about my life. I am afraid to pull down the wall... I am afraid this calmness I am feeling now is not peace about 'the situation'. I am afraid a little bit of me has died forever, and I am afraid to think much more about it...

I spend the day housecleaning and laying around. Going back and forth in between what I call 'living life' and 'remembering her'. When I spend time 'remembering' I'm not really thinking of the baby we have in heaven or the baby that could have been. It's almost like I'm flipping the switch into off and I'm recharging. Doing nothing. Thinking of nothing. Being nothing.

My birthday! My mom and I spend the day doing what we should have been able to do on my birthday. The house is clean and she helps me with a little more in the morning, around 8AM. I get ready, and we're out shopping from 9AM-12N. We eat lunch as Casa Gallardo, as always. (Why? Because 24 years ago I was almost born there! Yes, the one in Fairview. My mom was there and went into labor, progressed so quickly... it was close!). I tell my mom that Walter and I decided to NOT do IVF. No matter who is paying the cost, the cost is too much to pay. Although I am angry, although praying seemed forced and strained... God will give us a child. Naturally. We are going to try again. She nods, and says she understands but I know it's impossible because i still don't quite understand myself... After lunch we get a phone call, that my dad has fallen on the ice and hurt himself. She hangs up and tries to go on, but I tell her to turn around and go home. She wants to stay because it's "my day". My day to go on and act like nothing happened, to return to normalcy... but I know I never will. She drops me off like I tell her to and goes to him. My poor mother. Someday I want it to be HER day.
I get ready, for our small group fellowship/birthday party/white elephant exchange has been moved to tonight. I'm slightly nervous. the party was supposed to be last week, and that was the time we had planned to tell our so beloved small group we were expecting! Instead, the bad news has been e-mail and I spend a little time worrying about the questions that are about to come my way. I don't want to talk about it...
I spend the night laughing so hard, I love them all so much. I am so glad things are going well and I am having such a great time!
At the end of the night, everyone leaves. I am partly filled with great excitement from the great get-together and from successfully avoiding talking about our little one in heaven... and partly saddened I didn't speak with them all and tell them about our little one we loved so much in such a short amount of time...

Baby Wallheimer, our little one who lives in heaven, you will always be loved. Always. You will always be our first child, never ever replaced.

I am still a mother, my child lives in heaven. My husband is still a father. A father who found this explanation on why our little on was taken so early:

Hebrews 11:5-6
5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

...and for now, that's all we have.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Nesting... in a way

Have spent the last two days purging a ton of nonsense I dont need to make room for little feet (and the many things that some with them) in our home.
Recent score? 10 (almost new) hardcover books from Goodwill: $6!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Dear Friends,

Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them. Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words. Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment.

Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.

Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend—because I have learned from the best.


(by Margaret Brownley. Stumbled across this today, and couldn't find words more better put to attempt to describe. Thank you to all who are reading, all my supportive friends, and most importantly my husband.)

crying over dirty dishes...

It may not have been too terribly long since my last post, but it feel like it could have possibly been over a year with all the changes. I don't know where to start, actually...
So I'm just going to dive in. Walter and I are not doing the IUI in December. We don't have the money, for the most part. Secondly, I had been avoiding the little pangs in my heart and the whispers in my ear from God, because I felt like he was leading us in another direction. I couldn't avoid them all, and at night I laid awake, afraid to even admit a huge part of my uneasy feelings to even my husband. A heartbreaking moment really hit when I came across a line God had put in my path: 'If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.' ~Russian Proverb. I was doing just that. Chasing two rabbits and stressing my husband and myself out trying to keep up with it all. He felt like his job wasn't bringing enough money for it all, and I could see him being hard on himself. When he started offering to get a second (or third!) job to pay for the many rabbits we were chasing, I couldn't avoid my feelings anymore.
I truly feel like God is wanting us to drop the procedures to conceive and focus, really FOCUS, on becoming foster parents. It breaks my heart. It really does. I know God is going to lead us on the right path, and that God will change my heart to be His heart more and more... but there is a part of me that feels defeated. Like I'm giving up on my children before they've even had a chance to be born. I feel so much grief, almost as if I've already conceived and the child has passed away. I know this will not be forever, and that Walter and I will someday try again... but... my heart still breaks today.
Sometimes I feel crazy. Humans adapt to their surroundings and their feelings and their lies so quickly... sometimes I wonder what I look like to people outside of my close family and friends. Here I am, a woman who has been trying for a "short" time (compared to those women who have been TTC for 7-10+ years...) and I'm grieving over children I haven't even had yet! I know it may appear to be completely nuts, but to me it feels as real as anything ever has been. This is the greatest heartbreak of my life. I wanted to be a mother before I had the desire to be a wife, and here I am, not able to present my husband with a child to call our own. What a useless woman I would have been in any other time period but now! ... and still, I feel useless.
Digging deep below all this pain I CAN feel a small seed of hope. When speaking to a friend about trying to conceive, she had told me she was glad she never conceived because she later adopted and was glad to have the son she has now. While her son is one of the cutest I've ever met (!), I was confused. What about all the pain, all those years she spent TTC... Now I'm thinking I may understand. Is there a foster child out there that so desperately needs a family to love them, that God's plan is for us to foster to meet him/her? Is MY child already in this world, waiting for me? While I'm praying for this seed of hope to grow, I am still trying to dig out all of the pain covering it like thick wet blankets.
Our new plan is to get the house really together. Start preparing the children's rooms, making room for toy boxes and little outfits, starting to gather items for the children... This is what I'm doing today. (By the way, please let me know if you have toys/books/clothes/luggage in good shape that you are willing to donate to the foster children soon to be in our home!) And while I am partly excited for this season, I also know that today I am closing the book of TTC. Becoming a foster parent is getting our full focus for now. While of course my husband and I will have sex (!), our calendar will no longer have 4-5 days with a large red heart in which we MUST. While I know we'll pull this book down from the shelf in the future, and be on this path again... it is painful to not get what we want when we want it, isn't it? God will provide. I KNOW this.
Today I am scrubbing the corners of the house, and sighing with defeat. I am steam mopping the floor, and dreaming of difference we can make. I am dusting the furniture, and trying not to beat myself up. I am doing the dishes, and sobbing uncontrollably. I am moving furniture, and trying not to be angry with God for asking me to wait. I am washing the towels, and thanking God for my supportive husband...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Hopeful Road Ahead...

So today was a very busy day to me. Firstly, I had my first appointment with my new OB/GYN doctor. The wait until the appointment felt like it took forever, and sitting in the waiting room made the minutes tick by even slower.
After speaking with her assistant, and then speaking with her, my head is still swimming. Thinking of options, the emotional roller coaster I'm feeling, and even just how plain hungry I was! :) I think she's very good at her job; she answered all my questions. She put to rest my "what if's" and really took me step by step. She's slightly short, but I guess I'm not looking for a friend here... just someone to understand and MAKE ME A MOMMA! :)
So, how she explained it to me, is she sets you up on a 6mo. plan and as long as things go smoothly we carry on with the plan. If there is a snag along the way, we stop and regroup and re-direct "the plan" for a new set of about six months.

1) Blood tests. Check Rubella immunity, thyroid, and a few other blood tests to test for PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome). If this is to be found, we stop and talk again. I will also be doing the 2 hour glucose tolerance test where I get to drink lots of ick and sit and be bored for two hours.
2) Semen analysis.
3) Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes and watch to make sure it flows through and that my tubes are not blocked or obstructed. This will most likely give me intense cramping for 2 or more hours.
and, if we've made it to this point... it looks like in November-December will be...
4) Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)! My doctor is willing to do this for possibly 4 cycles (at MOST!) if everything seems to go well (but without pregnancy). This means possible pregnancy anytime from December-March! Believe it or not, a typical couple TTC has a 15%-20% chance of conceiving on any given month. With this, I will have a 10% chance of conceiving!

Hope. Hopeful is all I can say when I think of how I am feeling. Walter and I discussed it all pretty deeply tonight, and really decided to set boundaries on how far we will go. Yes, we would to have a child who "looks and acts like us" and I would love to be pregnant, but to be honest, I just don't feel called to invest large amounts of money and time into it. I would much rather adopt. We decided there is no way we will participate in surrogacy. However, we may be willing to do artificial insemination if the problem lies there. Pretty much after "the plan" above, if I'm not pregnant by March we're moving on. Yes, I'm dying to be pregnant! But, even more so, I'm dying to be a mother. Right now I'm spinning so many plates. Doctors appointments, foster care homework, being sick from medication, adoption networking... it would just be nice to set down some of the plates. I truly believe that if we have to hang up being biological parents, although a heartbreaking pill to swallow, that I will be able to grieve for a short while and have true peace with it.

Please pray for Walter and I. At this point, we have no idea what insurance will cover, but from what we've checked out do far... it doesn't look like much. :( These next few months are going to be extremely expensive for us. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm thinking of making and selling crafts to help fund. Would you be interested in buying a cute craft for a good cause? Please let me know.

On another note, tonight Walter and I went and spent time with Sarah and Mike's twin boys. I'm so in love with them already. SO adorable. It was nice. I think he was nervous at first, but really wanting to get familiar with new babies. I'm pretty sure he left pretty proud of himself. He was pretty awesome. :) Lord, thank You for this hope. I pray I can actually sleep tonight; I'm so very excited. I wish we could have started the process yesterday! :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Grateful for this Season

So, on this day, a day in which I was able to nanny Michael (a 2 year old I adore!) again I think of the fun things we've got to do today and other times we've hung out together. Tears almost well up in my eyes when I think of the last time he came to spend a few hours with me. My husband had the day off of work, and while he mowed the lawn Michael and I dance to his favorite TV show and then he helped me clean the bunny cage. Afterwards, we three went to the park to play. The leaves were falling from the tree, and all three of us filled the air with laughter. We took a walk and played "I Spy" and I couldn't help but wish we were parents. Another morning with him this morning went the same. We ran errands together, sang and danced, had a trip to the park... On these days, I really wish I had a list of all those things young moms told me to "enjoy while I can" because I can't think of ANYTHING more enjoyable than this. So! With Michael with his mom, and with a clearer head, I am going to make that list I wished for earlier! :) Because there still is nothing my heart wants more right now than to be a mom, however, no sense in giving up the luxuries while the nursery is empty. Here is a list of things I will appreciate NOW because I can appreciate being a mom:

1) The 'extra' money in our budget going towards things we want.
2) Sleeping throughout the night.
3) Watching horror movies out in the open.
4) Alone time with my husband.
5) Sex. Any time. ;)
6) Going out with friends, or out to dinner, on a whim.
7) Postponing trips to the grocery store because another night of Ramen is no big deal.
8) Road trips, traveling.
9) Drinking with dinner, or champagne just because!
10) Mission trips without guilt.
11) Having a few less distractions to pursue God.
12) Watching my favorite television show uninterrupted.
13) Listening to the occasional vulgar rap or Gaga song in the car.
14) Not having to spell the words like "desert", "bedtime", or "shit".
15) Actually, not having a bedtime.
16) Going to the movies.
17) Going to a restaurant without a playplace.
18) Hours of scrapbooking, playing video games, reading...
19) Still being kids ourselves. Whether that be acting goofy at the grocery store, or throwing a bit of a tantrum after a bad day.
20) Not loading a diaper bag, stroller, car seat, etc everywhere. Carrying only my purse, my Bible, or my cell phone.
21) Not stepping on legos or cheap McDonald toys while walking around the house.
22) Dinner for two can sometimes be a bag of potato chips at 10pm.
23) Having conversations all day with your spouse and not one of them end up about the school system, 'diaper blowouts', or spit up in whatever places.
24) The trip to Wal-Mart at 1 a.m. is to get the next movie for the at-home marathon, not a sleep-deprived trip to get diapers.
25) Not having to worry about where the electrical socket fob went, or having glass jars of candles on every surface.
26) We can decide to go to a concert instead of paying the electric bill during spring and fall and not have a mindful of worry if it is shut off.
27) The backseat of my car is for projects, groceries, friends... not bulky car seats that smash gummi bears into the upholstery.
28) Laundry can wait.
29) Taking however long I want to 'get cute' before leaving.
and lastly...
30) Knowing that the best is yet to come. <3

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Loss to Gain

After un-blocking the many cute 'baby bump' photos of my friends and my friends of friends... I've decided it's time to loose the weight... to gain the weight. :) Because I already look like I could pass to be 3 or more months pregnant, it's time to loose it! Seriously. When the time comes, if the time comes, I would LOVE to have such cute baby bump photos! SO! I'm going to loose the weight. Not starting Monday. Starting right now. At this very moment!

Also, some much delayed news... The first thing we were told to do when we annouced we were interested in adoption was "Network, network, NETWORK!" it helps us stay sane and because you never know who's friend had a cousin has a sister who is pregnant and ready to give the baby up for adoption. Hence, one of the many reasons for this blog. :) Well, I had a friend of a friend on facebook help me out two years ago by sending me a sweet care package while I was at YWAM, and Laura and I have been facebook friends ever since then. We had a lot in common, and from what she has told me, she followed my blog and my facebook posts pretty closely and wishing there was something she could do to help. Then, something awful and unexpected came to be, in which she also became pregnant. Laura is recently engaged, and has decided she does not want to start her marriage off with a child that will remind her of the horrible way the child was conceived. She believes someone else will be able to give that child more love than she would be able to. So, she contacted me. :) We are both still praying, and it is still a very new idea to the both of us... but it is also a ray of hope for us both. We are hoping to meet sometime this month.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

music to my ears, from my husband

when the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
when the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
to run and hide
escape the pain
but hiding's such a lonely thing to do
i can't stop the rain
from falling down on you again
i can't stop the rain
but I will hold you 'til it goes away
when the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
when the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone
so rest awhile
it'll be alright
no one loves you like I do
i can't stop the rain
from falling down on you again
i can't stop the rain
but I will hold you 'til it goes away
when the rain comes
i will hold you

third day - "when the rain comes"

Third Place?!

It may have been just a little while since I have last posted, but it feels like it may have possibly been a year or more. I feel like I have made so much progress, and I'm feeling less in control every day. :) I'm giving the control to God, and am handling it better than I think I ever have.
I just got back from a mission trip in Mexico. We did a lot of great work down there for our Father, and I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I was pregnant. I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I had young children... You know, I really believe that God will only allow the right spouse come into your life when He feels like He doesn't have to compete for affection. The first time in my life I put my Lord above finding a mate, I found my soul mate that only God had prepared for me. I'm thinking, maybe it's the same for children? Our God is a jealous God. He is jealous for our love, and though He deserves it more then anyone or anything, humanity seems to struggle with giving Him #1 rank. I won't deny that through the engagement process and being a newlywed takes my focus away from God at times. I won't deny that it would be impossible to live without my husband now, and that there are times I put my husband above my Lord. Is God waiting for the right timing? In which I have this season of leaning on Him and allowing Him to decide when we conceive, only in which I get in the 'habit' of seeking Him before my children? I won't deny that I already know my children would be fighting for my #1 spot... and at this point, it would be hard not to give it to them. When logically, I know they will all have to share the #3 spot. However, that just isn't how our world works now, is it? Even saying my children will be #3 kind of hurts to say. Doesn't seem fair to them. Doesn't seem 'right'. BUT, I know the best decision I can make for them is to put them behind my Lord and my husband.
Thank you Lord for giving me this season to learn this without the sleep deprivation, high emotions, and piling bills (more so, at least) that pregnancy and newborns bring.

Hi Sarah! It was so nice hanging with you all last night! :) My friend Sarah shared her newborn boys (3 wks) with me last night. It was nice to spend time with them all and not itch with jealousy. They are adorable, and I love them already. Lord, I think I can juggle two when the time comes! ;)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Checklist of Fear

After a hard talk with a good friend of mine, and after the wall had been torn down and my hardened heart was broken down, she had me realize some truths. I've been hiding. Hiding from others' joy about pregnancy.
If I see a pregnant woman at a restaurant, I sit as far away as possible and then sit in the chair with my back to her.
I've blocked the friends who are pregnant from my news feed on facebook, in fear they will say something i so desperately want to say.
If someone says something to hurt me about TTC, instead of calling them out on it, I just avoid them in fear that out of not knowing the pain I have, they will say something hurtful again.
I turn down some babysitting jobs, because I can't handle it on some days to take care of others' children and not my own.
I play sick and hide from children's birthday parties, my friend's baby showers, and other events in which may get me fearing of sitting in the corner alone wanting to cry and have a stiff drink.
And so on, and so on.
First off, I'm sorry. I don't hide to be vengeful or careless about our friendship. I do it because I don't want to face the hurt of it not happening to me. At selfish as it sounds, I really am so happy for you... I'm just more sad for me, and that makes trying to smile and rejoice with you extremely hard. I don't want to be the pathetic loser hiding in the corner of your baby shower with tears in my eyes and a knife in my heart... I don't want to be the only person in the room that bursts into tears vs bursting into joy when you announce the news of "We're pregnant!"... but it seems like I am to be for awhile. I am sorry.
So, this good friend of mine, has challenged me to face my fears, and talk to each one of these people I have tried to avoid... and tell them the truth. I'm hurt, but I care about our friendship. And most importantly, I am sorry.

I need to speak with...
  1. A friend who said something hurtful about TTC not even knowing it. Got coffee with her, and I thank her so much for being so apologetic!
  2. A friend who's baby shower I skipped to hide from the pain. Going to get lunch and pedicures with her tomorrow! She is so understanding, and I want to be as good of friend to her and she is to me!
  3. A couple who announced their pregnancy and i felt the shock and horror on my face. Dinner is cooking now, and they will be here within hours...
  4. Those 4 women who I have blocked on facebook, unblock them, and congratulate them wherever they are in their pregnancy. Done, done, done, and done! .... And I meant it!

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Spent last night with two kiddos I absolutely ADORE! :) I took then to a free fair at the YMCA and we roasted marshmellows and rode a hayride, and played on the playground. Walter met us there after work and then we all went out to dinner. As I drove them back to their house for the right it started to rain. I had them brush teeth, use the restroom, and pick out books so we could have storytime before bed. As they fell sleep after a busy evening the rain became a thunderous storm... but they slept away. As I sat there, reading and listening to the storm, thankful I had gotten to to sleep before they knew what kind of storm was soon to be happpening outside, I prayed this wasn't the closest feeling I would ever have to being a mom.
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Saturday, September 18, 2010

First is the worst...

...praying second is the best.

Cycle 2 of Femara.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Good News is Bad News & No News is Good News: The Pain of TTC

Just a little update on living in the pain of TTC:

Tuesday, September 14th: Started my second cycle of Femara after a previous cycle of 31 days. Not too terrible- if you're able to overlook that it actually happened.

Thursday, September 16th: Good News is delivered to our small group by our leader and his wife! After a few weeks of "not preventing" they are expecting a little one! Everyone's eyes in the room lit up with excitement! ...and then all eyes immediately dashed over to where Walter and I were sitting. I wonder what our faces looked like? Did we wear our heartbrokeness on our face? I sure hope we didn't... I hate being that person, that is in just such agony that I can't truly celebrate with anyone receiving the good news I can't seem to have. I think everyone struggles with it to some small degree, it's a classic sign of the "grass is always greener on the other side". However, it's going to take a lot of strength for me to pull through this one. In times where I usually hide from pregnant women (...to be honest, I played sick from a baby shower today. I'm sorry Heather! I do so love you, please know that!) now I am going to be having one in my home once a week. I tried to hide my tears and I hope I didn't bring down your moment Dan & Erika. I am happy for you, it's just overwhelmed by feeling sad for me. I am so sorry.

I cried myself to sleep Thursday, and cried most of Friday. Walter was in tears at times also. I tried to talk with him and put my pain into words, but it was just impossible. Things I said to try were:
"It feels like at any moment my skin should peel and honesty shatter from the inside our because I cannot contain all the sadness and anger"
"I feel like I should be wearing a warning sign around my neck, exclaiming that I am grieving and may snap your head off. Like a scarlet letter to warn everyone of my shortcomings. Only mine letter would be an 'F' for 'failure' or a 'I' for 'infertile.'"
"My chest feels as if my heart is still trying to beat and that my lungs are trying to pull in air, yet there is just wounded tissue all around it that makes doing both an almost impossible job"
... before you recommended I start writing emo songs I will end it there. However, typing those out and reading them they just don't describe the pain enough....
I may joke, and maybe even laugh about being the woman 'trying to conceive'... but really, I am a shell trying to hide the truth pain I so desperately want to let out.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Am I searching for a + too quickly?!

Today is the 27th day of my cycle, and to be honest I'm sitting her with the "to buy or not to buy" question in my head. I stopped keeping pregnancy tests in the house, because I found myself jumping the gun waaaay too early and not being able to contain myself... However, at 27 days in, is it time?! Yes, my periods ran very irregular and a little on the long side... but is it worth a shot?!
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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If you can't say anything nice, then don't say...

After posting my latest blog on facebook I decided to post a quick blog to those who need a quick lesson about the right things to say. I don't blame you (all of you who messaged me saying one of these things below...) if you haven't dealt with the pain of TTC and apparently failing you would have no idea how the following statements are hurtful. I'm not mad. We're still friends. However, this is the easiest way I could tell a list of friends that I would rather them not say anything at all vs...


13) "There are too many people in the world anyway."
You're right, so that's why I shouldn't have a baby... let's not even mention the THOUSANDS of moms who continue to have child and child when she's not taking care of the children she already has?! Should I wait to have a child until a family member or friend dies? Who in the world has the job of regulating how many people live on it?!

12) "Maybe You're Doing It Wrong!"
Really? God couldn't have made things any more puzzle piece. After the 3rd grade it kind of looses the mysteriousness about it.

11) "At Least You're Having Fun Trying!"
Yeah totally. The last time my husband and I tried, I was drying the dishes when he arrived home from work with an armful full of flowers and told me he loved me and he just shoved everything off the counter right then and there and... Life isn't a movie. Honestly, the last time my husband and I made love it was at 3 o'clock on the 16th day of my cycle after checking my temperatue. I had been cleaning all day and smelled of bleach and he was no better. BUT, it was 3pm on the 15th day! So it had to be done. Yeah, romantic.

10) "A couple I know adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!" OR "I knew a couple who had given up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant!”
This couple must really get around because it seems like almost everyone I know knows this couple! However I am wondering where does the line end? If I wanted to be pregnant, should I pick out the child I want to adopt? Turn in the application fee of a couple hundred dollars? I mean, really... do you see how hurtful that is not to me, but to that poor child. Nothing screams "2nd best" more than that!
From another blog I read, they claimed this discussion would go like this...
"Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?
Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.
Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?
Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing!"

9) "Enjoy being able to travel, sleep late, have free time, etc."
For you mother's out there, I know have children is hectic, but would YOU trade them in for sleeping in? Do you see how it doesn't even come CLOSE to comparing?! I get it. Be thankful for the time alone with my husband... and I am... however, when I hear you complain of messy hand prints on the wall or having to wake up extra early int he morning to feed your baby, your complaints just don't compare to the pain of a empty house and feeling like you have failed your husband.

8) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?
Not all at the same time! But yes, truuuust me I've tried every wives tale in the book hoping they would work in and heal my breaking heart or my soon-to-be empty bank account after paying THOUSANDS of dollars for IVF or adoption. Eating a table spoon of cinnamon every day, standing on my head, not taking hot showers for either of us, cutting out foods, etc... all been done.

7) "I wish I had that problem!" OR "My husband just walks in the room and I get pregnant!"
Please, if you need to say this, say it over dinner so I could put that salt on my mashed potatoes vs my wounds. This one shouldn't need explaining, but it does. I get it. You're hyper-fertile. I'm not. Good for you. Next time you're struggling with finances, or death of a parent, or sickness, I will be sure to tell you I wish I had that problem!

You might as well give me this:

6) "Oh, you're still young. It'll happen."
You have no idea how mad this one makes me. Most likely you got decide when to have children. Life goes by in the blink of an eye. Also, please don't give false hope. It may NOT and I'll just postpone the pain til my 40's instead of dealing with it now.

5) "I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish/immoral." Or "Just don't be another Octomom!"
I hear the latter comment more than I would like to say. Such a disappointment. If I wanted that many children, as long as I could take care of them, who are you to tell me no? Just because I may be getting fertility assistance does NOT mean I am going to irresponsible with my possible multiples. Thank you for sharing your beliefs, but they are obviously different from mine. I didn't decide to do any treatment on a whim, believe me, and I took the time to really search my heart in what I believe in. I'll respect yours, you should at least try to respect mine.
From another blog...
"I don’t see how I could open up all the difficulty and depth that
comes with doing IVF to someone who is willing to make such an inane
comparison before understanding what we are going through. Comparing a
regular person who seeks IVF to Nadya Suleman is like comparing someone
who is having marital problems to the girl sleeping with her stepdad."

4) "Why don’t you just adopt?” OR “Why don’t you just do IVF?” OR “You should try In-Vitro, supplements, this doctor I know...etc.”
For one "JUST" adopting or doing IVF doesn't exist. Both are an extremely LONG and extremely EXPENSIVE matter. A lot of international adoption agencies won't let you adopt until both husband and wife are over the age of 25 and it costs around $40,000. Would you JUST give me a loan? Also would you ask this of a couple who is fertile? Of course not! Many people dream of having their own biological child, it being selfish or not. IVF costs around $12,000 and on average requires SEVEN cycles of treatments. That's an average of $84,000!!! I've researched my doctor, and we're working on it. When you are officially trying to conceive and having problems, it is extremely complicated. Please let my trusted doctor suggest the next step for me.
Again from another blog I adore...
"And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?
Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve."

3) "You want kids? Please, take mine!" OR “Being pregnant isn’t fun..."
Another one to say at the dinner table for that salt. You really don't mean to give me your children, and you'd be surprised how often I've thought about it to be honest. I understand being pregnant isn't fun, but you shouldn't really say anything like that to someone like me. Wouldn't you agree that the pros outweigh the cons?! I would give ANYTHING to be throwing up at one a.m. with my back feeling pain like knives and my whole body swelling and aching if I knew I was growing a little one. So yeah, hurtful. Please save these comments for your other friends who have children, they will most likely sympathize with you. I won't. I can't.

2) “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mom/dad.” or "Worse Things that Could Happen"
This one hurt in the beginning stages of TTC, now I just get angry. I'M not supposed to be a Mom?! I am in foster care classes and hear every week of children being burned, murdered, raped, abused, sold and trafficked... and I'M not supposed to be a Mother?! Nothing worse has ever happened to me, and if I'm feeling the worst that I have ever felt in my life, you should really just be a friend and support me instead of making me feel even more selfish and idiotic. To me right now the worst thing in the world that could happen is another woman getting pregnant.

and the #1 thing NOT to say to a friend TTC...

1) "Just Relax"
At this time, I almost hate nothing more than these two words. I am struggling with a medical problem, would you tell a cancer patient or someone with AIDS to "just relax"?! Even if you would, have you ever tried to relax on command? RELAX!!! Are you? Are you?!!! Why not?? Yeah... it's pretty rough isn't it? Especially if you are being poked and tested and given medications and are just... exhausted. If it were just relaxation that would get a woman pregnant, I don't believe rape victims would get pregnant. Talk about stressful...

There you have it! The top 13 hurtful things to say to a friend or loved one trying to conceive!

Again, I'm not posting these things in anger... I do understand your confusion on what to say if I decide to speak with you about my struggles. I can imagine your mind grasping at straws for something to say that would comfort me. If you're really trying to comfort me, just don't say these things. I'm trying to help a wedge to not be between our relationship. If you can't think of anything other than this list to say to me, just nod and hug. Please.

Thanks to:

His Will and the Seven Stages

For the last week I have really felt a peace about not yet conceiving... After the MONTHS of anger, confusion, even hate that I'd felt, I was unsure if it was a fleeting moment of insanity or true peace to be honest. So I sat on it and prayed over it for 3 days hoping the feeling would stay, confusing or not! I woke up each day feeling more and more like the Lord loved me, and the He did not give me this desire to tease me. I felt like my future child was in trust arms- odd as that sounds.
Today I realized I definitely went through all the stages of grief. For those of you who do not know what each level is:
The Kübler-Ross Model (The 7 Stages of Grief) originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters. Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached...

Denial – After the wedding I just figured that because of the wedding stress I wasn't having my period, nor getting pregnant and believed that as soon as I "calmed down" from it all, I would immediately be pregnant. At this stage, while we weren't officially labeling ourselves as "trying", we were definitely not preventing either. I was slightly concerned, in fact, that it would happen "too soon" for us and while Walter was still kicking off his career and traveling a lot.

Anger – This is the stage I felt like I dwelled in the most. I was angry. At everyone who was pregnant, talking about getting pregnant, and especially God. "After ALL I've done with the kids at CHURCH, YOU won't let me have a BABY?!! How DARE YOU!" went through my mind more often than I want to admit. I was extremely irritable, and I felt like I had to hide who I really was from everyone. I felt awful being in church, and being so angry with Him. Anyone that even slightly said something about "having hope", "having faith", or "just praying" got an evil glance- especially my husband who found a new level of faith while I was going through this stage.

Bargaining – "Lord, I'll still do Your work WITH children! I'll still become a foster parent, we'll still adopt, we'll still go on missions You'll send us to... just let me be pregnant right now!" Truth is, I was unsure about all of that and could see myself not doing what I was promising. This stage was just a few weeks for me because I think through my anger and confusion I knew there was no bargaining with God.

Depression – Oddly enough I am extremely thankful this stage came AFTER I went through the stage of being angry. My depression was bad, but not near the point to where my anger was. During my stage of depression I was a ticking time bomb full of tears. Honestly I couldn't sit through a Pamper commercial without thinking of how worthless I was. "What kind of woman am I?! What kind of WIFE even? Poor Walter, what bad luck, to get stuck with a woman who can't do what women were MADE to do!" My house quickly became a wreck, I never had any energy and I beat myself up every minute I was breathing.

Acceptance – The stage I finally feel like I can claim to be in! After feeling peace, and feeling that peace grow to which I can pray easier, with more love, and that I can finally say, "I will love my God even if He determines I will never have a child." It hurts. Oh God, it still hurts... but I FEEL now that God WILL bless us with our desire in His timing, and that He just needed us to wait for Him. I knew all along that God would fulfill our needs and wants, but now I FEEL it to be true. I feel like I am no longer the child in Sunday School instinctively screaming out "Jesus!" as the answer to every question, no I really feel like a daughter in love with her Father, NOT a robot! :)

I'm sure to still have tough times, where I may skip back to a different stage from time to time... but I know it will not stay for long because I have my God to count on. He CAN handle this!
I want to thank you for all your prayers, keep them coming if you will!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Picture is Worth One Thousand Words...

all of which are filled with hope...
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sams Club Druggie

So, I know it's been awhile, but for the most part my husband and I wereon a cruise. We had an AMAZING time! I really wanted to be able to take my Femara on board, yet still no period! It's now day 60something, only keeping track in my planner.
Anyways, as the last post reads I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to complain about not having a monthly period (oh how the tune changes when you're TTC!) and he gave me a perscription to "jump start" things. He also told me, to my heart break, that he would be unwilling to try any other procedure due to my age. According to him, I am "too young to be saddled with multiples". Funny thing is, I thought that was my decision! I told him, as nicely and firm and possible, "If the only way is to put 30 in there, then I'll take them all! Just help me." He refused. So, until the age of "at least" 26-28 I will be TTC on Femara and prayers- which I know, can do wonders... but...
I was just able to pick up the perscription to "jump start things" today. I turned in a perscription for this and for another Femara bottle. Even though I haven't had the chance to take the drugs just yet, I do have two months worth in my kitchen. I thought filling the perscriptions wouldn't hurt and while we're seriously taking them I won't be in such a rush to run to Walgreens at a certain time every month. Today I should have recieved my third month, but instead I was handed a computer print-out and told to call the number on the sheet. Confused, I left and got in my car to check out the sheet. On the top in bold letters it read, "Third- Party REJECT. Plan exceeded" Hm. Great thanks, I have no idea what that is. After calling I found out the following... Now, I am taking this a bit easier because I have NOT taken the perscriptions yet, and I MAY be overreacting because I am so sensitive to this issue... however, after calling the phone number the woman proceeded to tell me my insurance plan only covered the first two Femara pick-ups. At this point I was thinking, "Okay whatever, going to cost about 5x as much but why couldn't I get it today??". I kept this to myself and patiently waited for her to give me the line that made me want to bust up laughing and crying at once. "Your insurance only covers two pharmacy pick-ups because they believe that is the medication has not been... um, effective in two months time that if you continue to choose to take this medication that you need to buy in bulk."
Are. You. Kidding. Me?? If I had been taking the medication over the last two months and I hadn't gotten pregnant they're asking me to buy in BULK? Does that not just scream FAIL at you? lol.
Anyways, I placed an order for the lowest "bulk" I could. Three months. I plan to start taking the first medication tonight or tomorrow. I have to take it for seven days and hopefully my "gift" (which I'm now really starting to believe is a gift!) appears, and then I will be able to start taking the Femara on Day 5. Along with this I need to continue taking folic acid and fiber suppliments.
In the end, I'd swallow a large screeen TV if it would aid me to being "Mommy".

Along these lines, with HUGE excitment, our PRIDE classes for fostering begin just around the corner! August 16th is our first class and I am BEYOND thrilled to get this process going. People ask me what I will do if I'm approved to foster two children AND get pregnant with possible multiples. I simply tell them, then I would have four (or more) children. Simple math to me.

I know I sound crazy to most... but you have no idea what point this struggle brings you to unless you go through it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

salt in the wound

here I am, sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office to see what the next step is that I should take to get pregnant. the small room is filled with ten pregnant bellies and 5 children under the age of two. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure what to do. my heart is breaking with every minute, and I'm blinking back tears. Lord, why not me??

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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Trying to make a + out of a -

Still no monthly "gift". I was getting excited, as today is Day 40 of my cycle. I am still pretty irregular, so I just keep counting and waiting. Couldn't help but dream of babies all night and take a test first thing. I'm starting to think I should buy stock...

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Stormy Shower

Last week I went to a baby shower. I debated all week about going, but decided it would be selfish not to attend because of my personal struggles. However, I got a little lucky that the shower fell on a busy weekend, and wasn't able to stay long. I hate being that woman: not being able to fully celebrate with others because of the intense pain lurking just below the surface. I'm going to pick up my fertility perscription tonight and start taking it.

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

"The Fast Track to Disappointment"

... is what I call my mindset on these type of days. Today it all began at the local Walmart in which I am buying Father's Day gifts for my father, father-in-law, and grandma last minute (Yes, on the day OF!). I decide to buy sweet little card I ran across for husbands on Father's Day. I know he isn't as bad off as I am, but I immediately remembered how rough Mother's Day was for me! I decide to write, "hopefully by this time next year you'll have a sweet little one in your arms instead of in your heart" inside the card as I place it into my cart. I smile at the idea, but it quickly turns into a frown. Wouldn't it be so amazing to write, "Happy 1st Father's Day" inside it instead and let him know today, of all days, that I was pregnant?! I start to think of how I would write it, and what his reaction would be, and wait... how many days am I late? Hoping to turn this dream into reality, I quickly finish my shopping and rush home. Tossing the bags on the floor I run to the bathroom (where yes, now I always have at least 2 pregnancy tests in the home...) and begin to pray.

This is what a negative test looks like.

Please keep praying.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Beneficial Disadvantage

Lately I have been doing the best I possibly can to think of the "brighter" side of officially "trying" and having "struggles" in doing so. It's pretty rough, but it is possible!
I've thought of the techniques I've learned nannying, and which ones I would still choose to use as a mother- foster, biological, or adoptive. I've thought of the women who get pregnant without having to "try" and are surprised by the best surprise on Earth... and how they seem to be in a whirlind to find the nursery theme, and find just the right accessories, putting together a crib with a large pregnant belly, and painting with swollen ankles. I should consider myself lucky because I have even LONGER than 9mo to think of the PERFECT nursery for my little one.
And yet, even just typing that made my heart break.
Personally speaking, I feel PATHETIC when I can't resist and I stand in the check out to buy a children's book on clearance or cute baby bows that are so my style for babies! I feel slightly embarrassed to already have names picked out, a crib in a closet ina room we already call "the nursey".
Now in the fostering process we have LESS than 9mo to possibly have TWO children! Possibly two older children at that! So instead of now scanning crib bedding, I must get myself aqquainted with the schools in our area, and think of all the sizes of clothing I must gather, and checking out the creepers in the neighborhood.
Sigh. This blog post was supposed to be about trying to be positive, but I have good days and bad. Right now my heart hurts, and feels so empty. Sure, I have my Lord and that is all I need. And yes, I have and amazing husband. ...But my hwart feels like the grinch's heart. Small, and not knowing how large it could possibly expand! I'm trying to grow my heart through my relationship with my Father and loving my husband more and showing it... also through ministry, and family, and self-esteem... but it feels like my true heart is just out of grasp. Can't wait to be called, "Mommy".

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Thursday, June 3, 2010

Mom Watching and Mind Wandering...

As a nanny, and a friend of many pregnant women, I find myself going a "mom watching" often. I'm sure you can piece together what this is...
Sometimes I see a mother in Walmart loosing her cool and I think of how to allow myself NOT to get to that point. I'm sure it will still happen at least once, but Walter and I tease that this is my "pregnancy stage" of becoming a foster mommy. I can help but find my mind wandering down the road of my future children - biological or not, one that looks like me or any other variety, mine forever... or just mine for a moment.
Sometimes thinking of all the possible children we could have just for a few weeks or months breaks my heart alone. However, at the same time, it's also very encouraging! Yes it will be heartbreaking when they leave our home... but most will remember us! And maybe when they grow up and have children of their own the will remember the young couple that allowed them in their home... where they nay have learned about Jesus, and felt loved and secure... and decide to meet back up with us, or even decide to foster themselves!!! I know it's a stretch, this fantasy of mine, but God does the impossible! Just think of how many grandchildren we will have!!!
Thank you to all the women out there who are mothers of inspiration! Mothers that I look at and feel hope and inspiration. Mothers that I look at and think, "I want to be like that!". Mothers that I get to visit with, and feel no jealously at all- which unfortunately has been rare lately- because they are so full of love for their children that I somehow feel like they deserve them. I know it's not my job to make that judgement, but you have no idea how hard it is longing for something so badly and everywhere you go you see it being misused, badly treated, and taken for granted. While it may not be my job to judge, thank you Heavenly Mommas not fixated on worldly things, but fixiated on LOVE.
A special shout-out to Sheila, the mother I nanny for, who was the main inspiration of this post. <3

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Saturday, May 29, 2010


Today marks a strange day for me. It's been unofficially long enough in which I feel a blog must be started to track the "journey" to motherhood. It's a strange day because part of me is very sad and discouraged because of the fact that I have been waiting long enough that I need to release my hurt into outer cyberspace. However, the other part of me is just thrilled to scream "Maybe it WON'T 'JUST HAPPEN'!!!" (even if I'm not technically screaming).

(Church family, don't do the calendar math here...)

For years I was on Depo Provera, and after meeting the love of my life (and after he convinced me he was after months of wooing) I got my last shot December of 2007. In March of 2008, when the shot was needed to be renewed, I was away at missionary schooling in Denver, Colorado and did not renew it. The day after I returned home, I was luckily engaged to the most amazing man I have ever met. We were engaged on March 31st, and in just enough time to tell my parents on April 1st and play some tricks.
Shortly after, my fiancée and I purchased a home that I was able to move into on June 19th of that same year. I must say at this point that we were completely silent looking at our first home for the first time- we didn't want to give the realtor any ideas! However, when we saw one of the bedrooms, we couldn't contain ourselves any longer and looked at each other in the same moment to say, "This would be an amazing nursery!" Yes, we bought that home- the first home we looked at. After an argument with his mother, and a strain on our finances, Walter moved in with me in our first home shortly after.

We lived our first year together trying to "behave", but admittedly also failing. In June of 2009 we were married and I was able to become Mrs. Wallheimer legally, even though I had felt that way for over a year.

For as long as I could remember, I was ready to be a mom. My favorite game to play as a child was "Mommy" in which all my friends would act as the most awful infant or toddler that they could, and I would have to make them behave and be happy. I had a very strong connection with my grandma as a young child, and would dream daily of growing up to be a mommy just like she was to me. It always felt strange calling her "Grandma" because I always felt like she was closer than a grandmother as she acted as my mother while my mother was away working often.

So when I was married on June 13th of 2009 I would have been thrilled to be pregnant on June 14th of 2009 (to be honest, January of 2009 would have made me just as happy). When this didn't happen, I wasn't heartbroken per say... I just say it as a few more months to think of how to decorate the nursery!

July, August, November passed... and I finally felt like a woman again that November being "blessed" by Mother Nature for the first time in years. Although it started a new hassle every month that I was used to skipping, it increase my chances by far of getting pregnant (although it is possible to get pregnant immediately after the shot's effects wears off without having a period in between, each period increases the odds).

December I started to get antsy and switched to a infertility specialist after hearing MUCH nonsense from my previous OBGYN (from infertility to PCOS to "wait it out") and going through MANY tests in which I was feeling she was just drawing out of a hat and guessing the results. He was confident he could get me pregnant, and gave me Clomid to take. At this point I was uneasy with taking prescription drugs to conceive and was unsure if this matched up with my beliefs. I felt like taking prescription drugs would be just like "playing God" and laughed at my impatience. My Lord would get me pregnant in His Timing!

January of 2010 we started Natural Family Planning. Don don don! Walter just loooved helping me take my temperature every morning at 7am. After over a month of charting, we saw almost no difference from day to day (yes, I know it should be a slight difference). However, we were seeing no pattern or peak at all, and we gave it up.

February, March, April, May...

it is now the end of May. It has been a daily struggle and almost every day contains at least one tearful moment. We do have a cruise coming up in July, and I'm positive that if it weren't for that to look forward to, I would be worse off at this moment and many others. Although I am devastated to not be "with child" right now, it will be nice to go on this cruise without the worry of what is best for baby. However, I would trade it all for a "baby makes three" package.

We are now in the process of becoming foster parents, and with a still hopeful mind we changed our limitations of 3 children to 2 foster children at a time (hoping my luck will finally do me a justice and finding myself pregnant about the time we have foster children coming into our home). We are on the road to becoming fully licensed foster parents near the end of this October (the same month Walter hoped that I would give birth). It's going to be a very bittersweet month.

For now, every month when I am visited by my monthly friend I am confused on how to feel. Should I be happy that I am becoming more regular? Or miserable that yet another month of trying has failed us? I am taking this time to get myself as prepared as possible. A crib in the room we claimed the nursery before we claimed the mortgage, a habit tossed out the window (stopped smoking January 1st of 2010, my first gift to my baby/babies), and hoping and working towards a slimming waistline to make it easier for it to e x p a n d. Being a woman is just a ball, isn't it?!! lol
Prayers are always appreciated. People have no idea what their words, or actions, or status updates does to a woman like me. A woman longing for something just out of reach, and feeling useless. My husband has just recently starting picking up on the cues that set me off (example: a few weeks ago we went to the theater to watch "Robin Hood" in which the prince was sleeping around on his wife because she could not bear him a son, and a woman like that is "no woman of honor at all". He held my hand as I started to sob 10 minutes into the movie.)

Forgive me if I block you on facebook, or can't be as thrilled for you as I should be when you announce that your child is now the size of a plum... but I have no plum, not even a grape, just a broken heart.