For the last week I have really felt a peace about not yet conceiving... After the MONTHS of anger, confusion, even hate that I'd felt, I was unsure if it was a fleeting moment of insanity or true peace to be honest. So I sat on it and prayed over it for 3 days hoping the feeling would stay, confusing or not! I woke up each day feeling more and more like the Lord loved me, and the He did not give me this desire to tease me. I felt like my future child was in trust arms- odd as that sounds.
Today I realized I definitely went through all the stages of grief. For those of you who do not know what each level is:
The Kübler-Ross Model (The 7 Stages of Grief) originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters. Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached...
Denial – After the wedding I just figured that because of the wedding stress I wasn't having my period, nor getting pregnant and believed that as soon as I "calmed down" from it all, I would immediately be pregnant. At this stage, while we weren't officially labeling ourselves as "trying", we were definitely not preventing either. I was slightly concerned, in fact, that it would happen "too soon" for us and while Walter was still kicking off his career and traveling a lot.
Anger – This is the stage I felt like I dwelled in the most. I was angry. At everyone who was pregnant, talking about getting pregnant, and especially God. "After ALL I've done with the kids at CHURCH, YOU won't let me have a BABY?!! How DARE YOU!" went through my mind more often than I want to admit. I was extremely irritable, and I felt like I had to hide who I really was from everyone. I felt awful being in church, and being so angry with Him. Anyone that even slightly said something about "having hope", "having faith", or "just praying" got an evil glance- especially my husband who found a new level of faith while I was going through this stage.
Bargaining – "Lord, I'll still do Your work WITH children! I'll still become a foster parent, we'll still adopt, we'll still go on missions You'll send us to... just let me be pregnant right now!" Truth is, I was unsure about all of that and could see myself not doing what I was promising. This stage was just a few weeks for me because I think through my anger and confusion I knew there was no bargaining with God.
Depression – Oddly enough I am extremely thankful this stage came AFTER I went through the stage of being angry. My depression was bad, but not near the point to where my anger was. During my stage of depression I was a ticking time bomb full of tears. Honestly I couldn't sit through a Pamper commercial without thinking of how worthless I was. "What kind of woman am I?! What kind of WIFE even? Poor Walter, what bad luck, to get stuck with a woman who can't do what women were MADE to do!" My house quickly became a wreck, I never had any energy and I beat myself up every minute I was breathing.
Acceptance – The stage I finally feel like I can claim to be in! After feeling peace, and feeling that peace grow to which I can pray easier, with more love, and that I can finally say, "I will love my God even if He determines I will never have a child." It hurts. Oh God, it still hurts... but I FEEL now that God WILL bless us with our desire in His timing, and that He just needed us to wait for Him. I knew all along that God would fulfill our needs and wants, but now I FEEL it to be true. I feel like I am no longer the child in Sunday School instinctively screaming out "Jesus!" as the answer to every question, no I really feel like a daughter in love with her Father, NOT a robot! :)
I'm sure to still have tough times, where I may skip back to a different stage from time to time... but I know it will not stay for long because I have my God to count on. He CAN handle this!
I want to thank you for all your prayers, keep them coming if you will!