God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Good News is Bad News & No News is Good News: The Pain of TTC

Just a little update on living in the pain of TTC:

Tuesday, September 14th: Started my second cycle of Femara after a previous cycle of 31 days. Not too terrible- if you're able to overlook that it actually happened.

Thursday, September 16th: Good News is delivered to our small group by our leader and his wife! After a few weeks of "not preventing" they are expecting a little one! Everyone's eyes in the room lit up with excitement! ...and then all eyes immediately dashed over to where Walter and I were sitting. I wonder what our faces looked like? Did we wear our heartbrokeness on our face? I sure hope we didn't... I hate being that person, that is in just such agony that I can't truly celebrate with anyone receiving the good news I can't seem to have. I think everyone struggles with it to some small degree, it's a classic sign of the "grass is always greener on the other side". However, it's going to take a lot of strength for me to pull through this one. In times where I usually hide from pregnant women (...to be honest, I played sick from a baby shower today. I'm sorry Heather! I do so love you, please know that!) now I am going to be having one in my home once a week. I tried to hide my tears and I hope I didn't bring down your moment Dan & Erika. I am happy for you, it's just overwhelmed by feeling sad for me. I am so sorry.

I cried myself to sleep Thursday, and cried most of Friday. Walter was in tears at times also. I tried to talk with him and put my pain into words, but it was just impossible. Things I said to try were:
"It feels like at any moment my skin should peel and honesty shatter from the inside our because I cannot contain all the sadness and anger"
"I feel like I should be wearing a warning sign around my neck, exclaiming that I am grieving and may snap your head off. Like a scarlet letter to warn everyone of my shortcomings. Only mine letter would be an 'F' for 'failure' or a 'I' for 'infertile.'"
"My chest feels as if my heart is still trying to beat and that my lungs are trying to pull in air, yet there is just wounded tissue all around it that makes doing both an almost impossible job"
... before you recommended I start writing emo songs I will end it there. However, typing those out and reading them they just don't describe the pain enough....
I may joke, and maybe even laugh about being the woman 'trying to conceive'... but really, I am a shell trying to hide the truth pain I so desperately want to let out.

1 comment:

  1. Your Bible study group will help you through this difficult time if you allow it - and think how much less disappointed without yourself you will be when you can practice "enjoying" someone else's pregnancy, while waiting for your own.