A Checklist of Fear

After a hard talk with a good friend of mine, and after the wall had been torn down and my hardened heart was broken down, she had me realize some truths. I've been hiding. Hiding from others' joy about pregnancy.

If I see a pregnant woman at a restaurant, I sit as far away as possible and then sit in the chair with my back to her.

I've blocked the friends who are pregnant from my news feed on facebook, in fear they will say something i so desperately want to say.

If someone says something to hurt me about TTC, instead of calling them out on it, I just avoid them in fear that out of not knowing the pain I have, they will say something hurtful again.

I turn down some babysitting jobs, because I can't handle it on some days to take care of others' children and not my own.

I play sick and hide from children's birthday parties, my friend's baby showers, and other events in which may get me fearing of sitting in the corner alone wanting to cry and have a stiff drink.

And so on, and so on.

First off, I'm sorry. I don't hide to be vengeful or careless about our friendship. I do it because I don't want to face the hurt of it not happening to me. At selfish as it sounds, I really am so happy for you... I'm just more sad for me, and that makes trying to smile and rejoice with you extremely hard. I don't want to be the pathetic loser hiding in the corner of your baby shower with tears in my eyes and a knife in my heart... I don't want to be the only person in the room that bursts into tears vs bursting into joy when you announce the news of "We're pregnant!"... but it seems like I am to be for awhile. I am sorry.

So, this good friend of mine, has challenged me to face my fears, and talk to each one of these people I have tried to avoid... and tell them the truth. I'm hurt, but I care about our friendship. And most importantly, I am sorry.

I need to speak with...

1. A friend who said something hurtful about TTC not even knowing it. Got coffee with her, and I thank her so much for being so apologetic!
2. A friend who's baby shower I skipped to hide from the pain. Going to get lunch and pedicures with her tomorrow! She is so understanding, and I want to be as good of friend to her and she is to me!
3. A couple who announced their pregnancy and i felt the shock and horror on my face. Dinner is cooking now, and they will be here within hours...
4. Those 4 women who I have blocked on facebook, unblock them, and congratulate them wherever they are in their pregnancy. Done, done, done, and done! .... And I meant it!