Third Place?!

It may have been just a little while since I have last posted, but it feels like it may have possibly been a year or more. I feel like I have made so much progress, and I'm feeling less in control every day. :) I'm giving the control to God, and am handling it better than I think I ever have.

I just got back from a mission trip in Mexico. We did a lot of great work down there for our Father, and I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I was pregnant. I can't help but think I wouldn't have gone if I had young children... You know, I really believe that God will only allow the right spouse come into your life when He feels like He doesn't have to compete for affection. The first time in my life I put my Lord above finding a mate, I found my soul mate that only God had prepared for me. I'm thinking, maybe it's the same for children? Our God is a jealous God. He is jealous for our love, and though He deserves it more then anyone or anything, humanity seems to struggle with giving Him #1 rank. I won't deny that through the engagement process and being a newlywed takes my focus away from God at times. I won't deny that it would be impossible to live without my husband now, and that there are times I put my husband above my Lord. Is God waiting for the right timing? In which I have this season of leaning on Him and allowing Him to decide when we conceive, only in which I get in the 'habit' of seeking Him before my children? I won't deny that I already know my children would be fighting for my #1 spot... and at this point, it would be hard not to give it to them. When logically, I know they will all have to share the #3 spot. However, that just isn't how our world works now, is it? Even saying my children will be #3 kind of hurts to say. Doesn't seem fair to them. Doesn't seem 'right'. BUT, I know the best decision I can make for them is to put them behind my Lord and my husband.

Thank you Lord for giving me this season to learn this without the sleep deprivation, high emotions, and piling bills (more so, at least) that pregnancy and newborns bring.

Also...

Hi Sarah! It was so nice hanging with you all last night! :) My friend Sarah shared her newborn boys (3 wks) with me last night. It was nice to spend time with them all and not itch with jealousy. They are adorable, and I love them already. Lord, I think I can juggle two when the time comes! ;)