God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Friday, March 13, 2015


Has it really been a year since I've posted here?
How I got back here, and how my blogs are situated, is just a mess. Sully has been doing some blog-worthy things lately, and so I debated starting a family blog to "start fresh". For awhile I was blogging on Sullivan's Travels about Sully's updates, but it became pretty barren (see what I did there? har har) at around 9 months when his serious separation anxiety hit. So anyways, I got back on my dashboard and I just saw inconceivable! sitting there, all tossed to the side and it kinda broke my heart.
You know, there's a reason I choose 'inconceivable!' and it's not only because of the play on words of my lack of ability to conceive. I chose it because it means "unbelievable!" and I had planned to have an "unbelievable!" pregnancy, followed by this amazingly "unbelievable!" life...
Even tying that last sentence causes me to pause and drift off into dreaming. Truth is, motherhood is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Most of those promises I made myself I have broken when it comes to never taking a single moment for granted. Sometimes the mundane and business of life just beats you, and you lose sight of the "unbelievable!" plans you had.
This life that I am living is a true gift. I know that and I won't deny it for a moment. Am I the mother I always thought I would be? No. Am I learning (after so many wrong turns) that the kind of mother I am is okay? I'm getting there.
So I have decided to consolidate blog entries and continue my blogging here. It may be far past the time I should have returned, but I am returning nonetheless.

So what have we been doing the last year? Surviving.
Parenthood is messy, and not in the cutesy Hallmark-card way of saying messy, it is MES-SY! Not just in the snot on my shoulder sleeves or in the scattered toys on the floor, but also by the complicated "discussions" it brings up between you and your spouse, and in the way your schedule is out the window.
I can hear the deep sighs already. I am not complaining in the least! Just reporting my findings. :)

Sully is doing great! Believe it or not (I can't/won't), he will be TWO next month! Two years of being his momma, of learning joy in entirely new ways. I know what being so wrapped up in paralyzing joy feels that you can cry at any moment. I spent many of our first family outings/moments wiping away tears. Walter came to just smile and them and try to understand instead of question me which ultimately just made me lie about dust in my eyes. His first giggle, his first dive into a cupcake, his first train ride, his first squeal of excitement, his first "I love youuuuu!". All of those moments have come and gone now, but they are still living in my heart. I am his mama, the keeper of these memories, and they are embedded in my like my nerves twist and turn throughout my entire body. I can never forget some of these moments.

And the tears of frustration, oh the tears f frustration! Have I had those too! Frustrated about breastfeeding struggles, and his first public temper tantrum, and his struggle with hitting in anger. "What did I get myself into?!" I've asked. After years of trying to conceive, and all this prep work and prayer to have a baby... I am still so human. I am still a broken being, and a broken mommy. Even though I try so very hard (and int he times that I don't), I mess up. Sully isn't even two yet and I am positive he has taught me more than I have taught him. He was made to be my child. 
When times get hard I've been saying that phrase to myself lately. There is a reason he looks like his Daddy and acts like me, because I am learning so much about myself, and so much about putting others first.