God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

My Heart Breaks: There is Hope (Update!)

Just a few days ago I posted the following on a blog of mine: 

"I had a blog friend who after her first IVF and had two perfect blastocysts implanted POAS and get a BFP. When I read about her BFP I nodded in agreement. Her IVF could not of gone more perfectly, and she had far better embryos than we did of course she would fall pregnant. I was so happy for her. You can imagine how my heart broke for her as she updated that her beta numbers were not rising as they should, and the doctors told her she would indeed miscarry. It is a waiting game for her now. I had to close her blog and run to my husband and sob and sob and sob for her. How unfair! She deserves those babies! How could this happen?!"

Here is an update she posted of November 29th:

"I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me.  First, when should I do a HPT?  Second, what is my blood level?  Third, did my HCG blood level double??
When it didn't, that when the craziness began.  It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours).  As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.
But then I get the news to wait a full week.  I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots.  I didn't just in case.  Monday my numbers were 881.  Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!!  More than doubled!!  I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes).  My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever.  
When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress.  My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!"  the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week".  I go in Tuesday.
I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time.  I love it because it means there is a chance.  It means miracles can still occur.  It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  
But I hate it too.  The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable.  That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.
The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us.  I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers.  I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week."

There is hope. There is hope for her and the little one(s) inside her. Please join me in praying for her to experience a full and healthy pregnancy with her miracle(s).
I cannot imagine how she is feeling right now. Such a scary line between having hope and surely losing it... please build her up in prayer and guard her womb.

Continue to follow her story here.


  1. Wow Jen, thank you so much for calling all prayers! Unfortunately God had a different idea for this round. You are so right, it is so heartbreaking. We are picking up the pieces and moving forward with hoping another round in the late winter. Thank you again for all the love and support!!!

    1. Holly- I just read.
      I am so sorry. You know I am here anytime you need me. I'll do anything I can to help.