God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Heart Breaks

This post title has been in my drafts for awhile now... I keep wanting to write about it... but every time I try I wind up closing out and not being able to.
But here goes... commence vent.

Infertility is SO dammed unfair.
Nothing is guaranteed and you always feel like you're standing on rocky ground and about to crumble. I've met so many amazing women in our journeys to TTC and just get so mad and discouraged for them when they receive bad news. I've been there, done that.

(I hope you don't mind if I mention your story...)

I had a blog friend who after her first IVF and had two perfect blastocysts implanted POAS and get a BFP. When I read about her BFP I nodded in agreement. Her IVF could not of gone more perfectly, and she had far better embryos than we did of course she would fall pregnant. I was so happy for her. You can imagine how my heart broke for her as she updated that her beta numbers were not rising as they should, and the doctors told her she would indeed miscarry. It is a waiting game for her now. I had to close her blog and run to my husband and sob and sob and sob for her. How unfair! She deserves those babies! How could this happen?!

Another social media friend of mine was getting ready to do her first IVF in January (and at the same place we went to!). I was so excited for her as she started to prepare with the tests and began a countdown til IVF time! Just recently she was told she wouldn't conceive using her own eggs and that she would need an egg donor. What bull crap!!! ONE test and they're already ready to give up on her? That is ridiculous. I've tried to encourage her to keep fighting and get a second opinion and not to give up... but why couldn't her doctor do that for her as well?! I recommended her to mine. I told her my doctor would not give up on her and neither will I.

A cousin of mine went through IVF and got her BFP. She went to her ultrasound and watched the little heartbeat. However a few weeks later when her FIL was killed at work and she was greeting family at his wake, she had a huge gush of blood. She was rushed to the hospital and found out she was miscarrying.

I could go on and on with the stories.

I wish there was something I could do.

My heart hurts for these women so, so badly... and I know there's nothing I can do for them but pray. Every day. And so I do.

Everyday I pray for God to bless another women struggling to conceive  That she is given a miracle baby, and they are able to bless each other throughout their whole lives together. I hope every single person that reads this post decides to pray along with me. It just takes 10 seconds each day, and you could be bringing a miracle into the hearts and bellies of mothers all around.

Walter and I struggle when we talk about trying for #2 (yes, even though I'm pregnant we talk about #2. I know I want more, and if it's going to take another 4 years for one we better get going!). I feel like we have been so blessed already, we may just be pushing our luck to try IVF again... so where do we go from here? Embryo adoption? Adoption?

Only God knows how each of our families will grow, but I know with faith, persistance, and a fighting attitude... our families will grow.


  1. You are such a beautiful person, and such an amazing friend. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you and the way you've been here for me. I am so lucky to have met you through this journey of ours!

    1. Megan, I am blessed to have you as a friend and am excited to only grow closer together as time passes. :)