Over the last few days I've been trying to 'deal' with a very new-to-me issue. As an infertile women, when I dreamed of being pregnant I dreamed of strangers rubbing my belly, the big baby shower bash, and softly rocking my baby in the nursery. I never thought of the hard parts pregnancy would bring.
I still have a couple of friends in the painful season of trying to conceive. I even have a couple of friends dealing with very recent miscarriages. I know their pain. I feel their pain. But I feel like I'm somehow trapped on the other side of the glass now. When I want to hold their hand and cry with them, I feel like my words seem less sincere with a child growing in my tummy. I want to go and meet for lunches and support them... but I also know how I would look at a pregnant friend trying to help. It'd make me bitter. It's make me jealous. It would make me feel like no matter what that woman says, she no longer understands.
I remember that feeling that still stings. The feeling of "will it EVER happen for me?!". That feeling of "WHEN will it by MY turn?!". The feeling of desperation, depression, and most of all... hopelessness.
I remember thinking then, "IF only I could know I'd be pregnant SOMETIME, then I could have more patience." Like if even someone would come up to me and tell me it'd take 5 years that it would be less painful to have an end in mind. I now feel like I have that. Over 3 months pregnant, I no longer worry about miscarriage (often) and I truly believe now we'll being a baby into our homes soon. But for those women who don't have that... the pain seems never-ending.
How do I help these women? How can I let them know I SO understand that pain? I remember it freshly in my mind. It hasn't been pushed to that back. I still can sit here and cry thinking of the painful nights my husband and I shared lonely and aching to me parents.
I had a friend decline our invitation to going to our gender reveal party today, because after the invitation she was received she had a miscarriage. She told me how sorry she was and how she hoped I understood. And soon, I couldn't help but tearing up. I remember all the invitation declines I had to pass out to baby showers, and kid's birthday parties... and here I was now, on the phone being told that my friend hoped I understood.
My heart ached for her in a way I couldn't explain. Just four months ago I was that person. Just so crippled from pain and hurt and disappointment .. I just couldn't accept an invitation from a person so blissfully happy and in love with the life in their tummy.
Now I'm the latter person. And I don't know how to deal. This is definitely not about me... this is about the person I want to be for others. How am I the person I want to be with the tummy of mine? How do I share my joy that I've waited so long for... yet be sensitive and loving to my 'fellow' ladies TTC?
What does this mean for us and trying for number two? Does it start all over until we conceive again? No. I'm YET in another group of women who are labeled with 'secondary infertility'. I feel like that label is such an oxymoron. You've got to experience the pure joy of motherhood, yet, you're still longing to fill your home. I didn't understand those people, until a good friend of mine shared her struggles about secondary infertility .. and how it's possibly just as painful for different reasons. You now long for a brother/or sister for your child... and not being able to give your child something hurts.
Infertility just sucks. Adding a child doesn't change that. Or two. Losing our children was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. This baby won't ever be able to take their places either.
But I will love this baby and I'll try to love little one more and more every day.
I do believe I'll hug him/her an extra time or two each day, knowing what a miracle his/her life is.
Knowing how blessed we are for getting to be called 'mommy' and 'daddy'.
We'll of course have hard times. I'm not saying we'll be perfect parents because we're infertile and struggled for baby. But we just may have a little more patience and positive perspective.
And that's what we pray for all the other infertile couples we know, are yet to meet, and those we'll never meet. It's painful and I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy.
But ladies and gentlemen, with FAITH, DETERMINATION, and PERSEVERANCE (and how could I now mention good COMMUNICATION with your spouse!) it's POSSIBLE.
No matter your situation. No matter the pathetic statistics they've given you. No matter the condition or the cause, parenthood IS possible for you!
I know I may just look like a pregnant lady 'on the other side of the glass' but listen: Keep your head high and FIGHT! Soon, you'll just be another pregnant lady that 'doesn't understand'.
***I by NO means want this post to discourage my TTC/infertile friends from coming to me! I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to hug and cry with you. I just may need a little information on how I can best help, but I promise you, I'll be there. ***