Reflections

June always is a month of reflection for me.

On the 13th my husband and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary.
On the 17th my husband had his second Father's Day.
On the 19th we celebrated being homeowners for four years together.
On the 24th my husband turned 25 years old.

'Our Story' is a lot like most couples' stories...

First came friendship.

Then came love.

Then came THE question.

Then, our first home.

We said 'I Do'.

We honeymoon-ed.

...and then something went wrong. First came love, then came marriage... but we couldn't finish the sweet song we had grown up to know as the 'correct' way.

We struggled with infertility.

We miscarried.

We doubted God.

We fought, we cried, we prayed.

We failed an IVF cycle.

We had no idea what to do, or where to turn to.

However, our vows have remained the same, and they have gotten better with age. We still love, and struggle through this thing called infertility together. Walter has taken on a role most husbands don't have to worry about. 

Just tonight we were sitting side by side on our computers. He was playing his favorite computer game and I was listening to music while working on my new SMASHbook he had bought me earlier today. When a song popped into my head... and I YouTube-d it... and I broke down. Face on the desk, sobbing, forming a quick puddle with my tears. Nothing needing to be said. He heard the song and he knew just as well. He rolled his chair over and I felt his hand holding mine. I left the room and crawled into bed to become a mess and not be ashamed... but he was within seconds lying next to me, pushing my hair away from my face. 

Every marriage goes through struggles. Some marriages can't agree with where money should be spent. Some husbands and wives can't agree with how many children to have, or how to raise them. Some couples disagree about where to live, or what church to go to, or what car to buy. Other marriages disagree about diet, lifestyle, or even -sadly- religion. 

It doesn't make a marriage any weaker or stronger depending on their disagreement or pain or struggle. What makes the difference is how we handle those issues. Do you come together with open communication? Do you weigh your options carefully and allow each partner to share their opinions and thoughts? Are you deflecting your pain on your partner? All of these things I have done wrong in my marriage. However, thankfully (to God alone!), I feel as if I have learned from them.

Does it make it easier on us? Absolutely.

Absolutely does a good relationship make our infertility less painful and less lonely.

Do I want a child any less? Absolutely not..

I can live my whole life with Walter and be happy. However, a piece of my heart so yearns to give him the child he deserves. 

Walter and I are beginning a '60 Days to IVF' plan tomorrow and it's going to be a season of so, SO many feelings. Would you continue to pray for us?

James 1:2-12