God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Can't Sleep. Round Two.

Even though I've already posted two blogs within the last few hours, I cannot sleep and cannot make my mind stop racing of the thoughts of my Grace. Here are some; hopefully getting them out there in inter-space will ease my mind and give me a small chance at rest before midnight.

Guilt: Why wasn't I thinking?! Why didn't I ask for our baby's remains?! Now I know she was tossed out with other medical garbage and incinerated. NEVER to be seen by her mother or father or given proper burial grounds. Never to be visited and remembered by a memorial.

Anger: Why wasn't I given time to go to God?! Why wasn't I given time to even pray?! Within an hour of finding out something was wrong, I was being put under to have surgery. Within two hours I went from peaceful, pregnant mother nesting to a woman unconscious after having her child ripped out of her! I know life is not fair, but how could my God do this to me?!

Bitterness: Why are you answering the prayers of others, Lord? Why does it feel like you cannot hear me? Why do I feel so unbelievably alone here? Why have you forsaken me?!

Shame: My husband is so unfortunate to have this broken shell of a woman. Not only a woman who cannot seem to conceive, and a woman who let his baby girl die, but a woman who cannot watch a diapers ad on TV without crying. This poor man is haunted like I am by pregnant women, baby shower invitations, the baby aisle... and so much more.

Hatred: The cost for IVF, adoption, and all my other options make me sick. The things people say when they don't know what to say belittle me. The bills keep coming, why should I pay for having my child ripped from me?! Really, really?!!

Loneliness: No one wants to talk to me. Everyone just wants to yell their advice and consul at me as they run on with their daily lives. I don't need that. I just need to talk. I just need hugs. I want you to cry with me. I want you to try to understand, and not shift so awkwardly. I know I am asking for too much, because I'm not sure if I could understand if I were you either. I hate understanding and knowing and feeling what I do, where are all the women this has happened to?! Where is the shoulder I can cry and cry and cry on?

Hopelessness: The chances are slim. The "what if's" keep me up at night. I know God can provide miracles, but sometimes it seems like even He cannot provide for me now. I'm praying Lord! I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm praying... am I praying for a miracle You will not grant?


Love: So much love for my little baby girl in Heaven. More love than I have ever felt in my life for many, especially for someone who I haven't got to meet yet. So much love for her daddy, the man who has been my hero and my sanity through all of this.

1 comment:

  1. Great, honest post Jen. I don't feel the same about fertility, but I do about my diabetes. It can be incredibly lonely and frustrating. ;(