God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Mental Heath & Mommyhood Help

It got to be too much. Thinking of Grace, missing her, trying to make a step towards our future decisions, the guilt, the commments... I needed a vacation. A vacation to relax, think of my daughter without all the crazy stigma, and to be with someone who understood. I mentioned this vacation to a good friend of mine who lost a son at 4mos. into her pregnancy, and expected it would take awhile for an answer to come. Instead she said "Let's do it!" almost before I could get the words out- she had her own drama going on and jumped at the chance. So the date was set, just two weekends out.
This past weekend was our Mental Health weekend in Memphis, TN. We spent Friday driving there, getting massages and facials, and chatting away. Saturday was our day of shopping, getting a mani-pedi, having our hair done, and eating out at my favorite fancy restaurant The Melting Pot.
Sunday we came home- full from a weekend of pampering, nice meals, laughter, and healing tears- so I could go to an adoptive mommies group a friend had invited me to.
After a weekend of getting back in touch with reality, I feel like I know the direction my Lord is leading me in. Adoption. Truth is, I didn't know where to start! My husband and I are also still needing a good chat to get caught up with where this weekend led me. However, he has told me his decision. He decision is to go where my heart is. He just wants to be a daddy- adoptive, foster, biological, black, white, jewish, indian, asian... they're not on his mind. Just 'daddy'. I am so very blessed to have him. I was never one to believe in soulmates, but as my husband and I face adversity and tough decisions, I believe God HAD to make him JUST FOR ME. He IS my soulmate.
The group I went to had a lot of great information. There were mommas from foster care, mommas who had adopted locally, mommas from international adoption, mommas who have gained a child from a different race after fighting the stares, and mommas who had lost. My heart broke for them. There were women there who had tried IVF and other methods, and only 1 out of the 4 had a successful treatment. More and more everyday, I think IVF is just an expensive procedure to have more heavenly children to grieve over.
I did run away on this weekend vacation, I felt like the people around me were caving in with their rudeness and ignorance and I just needed to get out! ...However, I now know there ARE people around me who are sweet, loving, and understanding... I now will NOT let the ignorant overtake the helpful.
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