For some reason, it has been very hard for me to find sleep this week. Instead of sitting awake tonight aching over every detail I feel like I have failed in when it comes to my pregnancy and my daughter in heaven, I decided to look back at some amazing messages I have saved that I have gotten from some readers of my blog...
"I wanted to tell you that I saw you at Lord's Supper and you looked beautiful. The kind of beautiful that makes you stop and look for a minute...
Also, I know you are really struggling right now. And I wanted to comment on the subject of your age vs. your desire. I was 22 when I got married...fresh out of college. I started asking for a baby on day one of our wedded bliss. For a couple years, even though we were "careful" I would secretly buy pregnancy tests and take them...hoping to be pregnant. I've always known that being a mom was something I wanted. I remember getting an email about [my husband's] sister expecting her third. I was so depressed about her being pregnant and not me, and I was mad because [my husband] wasn't "ready". So, I locked myself in the bathroom for a couple of hours and just cried.
I know what the physical pain of wanting a baby so badly feels like. I know how frustrating it can be when you want to be pregnant so badly that you can almost feel pregnancy symptoms. I just want to encourage you that your desire to be a mom is not coming too early. I'm sorry it is taking time to get pregnant and that you are experiencing all of the crazy emotions of trying. But, I am praying for you. I'm praying that you are blessed with a family soon and that God will give you a faithful patience while you wait...because, quite frankly, waiting sucks!"
Just got your message today and my heart hurts for you. I really feel like the Lord has put a burden on my heart for you over the last month or so, so I am taking this more personally than just a random friend going through a tough struggle.
I really wanted to speak some things over you both that I think you need to hear.
First off, there is NO GUILT whatsoever in this. This is not a result of something either of you did or didn't do and you should not EVER EVER look at it that way. This is purely an attack of the enemy on your lives and the way he wants you to respond is in guilt and condemning yourselves.
Secondly, I also want to say that this is NOT something the Lord is doing to you. You may not think that anyway, but I wanted to cover that, just in case. He is GOOD, ALL THE TIME. Again, this is an attack of the enemy. Jesus healed EVERY person that was brought to him. He NEVER turned anyone\ away. I know that it is NEVER the will of my God for something to die, especially a child in the womb.
I believe the Lord wants you to have children even more than you do. The womb is a battlefield, with the enemy wanting to steal every single child he can, either through abortion, health issues, anything. I got this revelation when we had problems during our pregnancy with [our son]. ... The key in all of this is to KEEP TRUSTING HIM. In spite of all our circumstances, we have to still praise Him and trust that He will bring us through. Easier said than done when you're in the situation, but our circumstances cannot define our faith. He has such big plans for you both, and the enemy WANTS to see you guys lose hope and faith through this situation so he can have his way in your lives. So stand firm against that EVIL thing and call it out for what it is."
"Lord I ask that you would bring supernatural peace, that peace that passes understanding to Walter and Jenny in this horrible time they are going through. I ask that you will help them to find joy in this struggle they are going through. Protect their minds from thoughts of hopelessness or that they are alone with no one to help. SHow them your mighty hand at work through this situation. I thank you for what awesome people they are, constantly seeking you and how they can grow to love you more. You know their hearts, Lord. Speak to them and let your will be known. We come against this horrible, evil thing that is attacking them and we say NO! We ask for healing of hearts, minds and bodies in this time. We thank you Jesus for your love, mercy and grace, and BLESS you Lord for who You are. I ask that you would give them revelation on the reality of the spiritual warfare that is going on over their lives and the lives of their children right now. We proclaim that YOU HAVE CONTROL. I pray that you protect Jenny and Walter from striving or trying to take one these burdens alone. You are the only one who can sustain us through these tough times. Thank you Lord, we praise your name no matter what our circumstances say. Comfort them as only You can. Amen."
"Hey Hun! I hope you are well. I just got done reading your blog about your baby. I am so sorry. I know that the last thing you want is to be reminded of it. As I was reading, I felt like I was reading an insert out of a book, and I had to stop myself and face the reality that this actually happened and that it happened to you.
You're probably wondering my point in all of this. Well, because of my endometriosis and constant cysts on my ovaries, my chances for a pregnancy like that are very high and it scares me. I know that I am not even married yet and the prospect of children is still a long way down the road, but I still think about it often. I always wonder if it is a risk I would be willing to take.
Anyway, know that prayers are coming your from the other side of the world. You are so strong. I admire you so much. I remember when you didn't know God and to see how he has transformed you is such a strong testimony. Now, to see how strong you are even after all of this is an even bigger testimony. I know that it is hard, and I know what it feels like to be so heartbroken on the inside but trying to keep a strong face on the outside. I don't know what it is like from your specific circumstance, but I do know the feeling.
So know that I am praying for you and Walter. Let me know if you need ANYTHING!"
"I just read your blog post and my heart goes out to you. I remember all too clearly the terrible roller coaster of emotions that accompany struggles with infertility and the heartbreaking loss of a baby. Our circumstances weren't exactly the same but we lost 3 babies. Your blog so accurately describes the deep pain, terrible frustration and anger. It is such a ugly cycle of saddness, despair, frustration, anger, and then embarrassment/ shame which then starts the saddness all over again.
Unfortunately, I can't share anything that will take the pain away or make it any easier. The truth is you have to just feel it and live with it and work through it. It sucks and it's not fair, but you have to make this journey.
I remember venting my anger at everyone who so easily gets pregnant and those who seem to have baby after baby only to go on and mistreat them to my mom who listened patiently until I said, "Why me?" "Why not you?" was my mom's reply. She went on to point out that everyone has challenges and struggles and that maybe this was mine. She also pointed out that it could be worse, that there are others suffering in far more tragic ways. Of course, that is not at all what I wanted to hear! But she was right.
So then I started to ask God to help me to gain insight. I asked for His guidance and grace. I also stopped trying to make sense of it. Because I was never going to figure it out. We decided to sponsor a child in Brazil through Christian Children's Fund. And of course, I kept praying for a baby. I asked Him to lead the doctors in the right direction and asked Him to help me set a time table on when to just change the plan to adoption. I prayed so much that I started to wonder if I was bothering Him!
...people just don't know how to act, what to say or how to provide comfort. And they sometimes say things that actually make you feel worse! Try to remember that they want to be helpful-- they have good intentions! ...it is often through our grief that we find we really grow and change as a person. Of course in the dark times we usually don't think, "Wow, I am really growing here!"
It does get better. I am certain you and Walter will be parents! Whether you give birth or adopt, I know God would'nt place such a nurturing heart in you without a plan for its use!
One day you will look back on this time and remember the pain, appreciate who it has made you become, and you'll use it to help others. Until then, you remain in my prayers...."
"I just want to tell you - I just read your blog. Although I havent gotten pregnant and lost a baby. We are having serious trouble conceiving a child. I just want you to know I understand your feelings and hurt. I HATE seeing FB people with all their pregnancy stories and announcements. I hate not being able to feel joy for others and their wonderful circumstances. I ask myself what did [my husband] and I do wrong? Why cant we have a baby?
Anyway - I dont want to go on a rampage but I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and I am here if you want to talk."
Thank you to my five amazing friends who sent me these messages. Know I keep these locked and wanted to put them on my blog to have them forever. It is these messages that cheer me up in rough times. I have read them each numerous times this week.