This morning I got to spend time with a kiddo I watch from time to time. He is almost 3, and I love seeing him grow and learn. He is now learning to go to the potty on his own, learning new words, and new ways to express himself. Sometimes I just sit and watch him, amazed and in awe of how quickly he is growing. However, don't tell him that! So often my lil' man gets frustrated when he can't zip his jacket, or when he can't reach the counter top. I know his frustrations are silly, because I can see the great kid he is growing into! However, he is just not growing at the speed HE wants to....
I'm sure God looks at me the same way.
While at the grocery store, he and I were looking for our items and playing games in the aisles as I got a phone call from a good friend wanting to stop by. This friend, having babies herself, found some time to stop by and see me through the chaos that is her own life. Why? Well other than her obvious love for me... ;) I think she wanted to give me a pep talk. She is a wonderful friend, and also an amazing facebook and blog stalker. <3 Thank the Lord for her! Literally. I so needed some time with her.
In the short time we had (just over a half hour to chat) she totally let me vent and picked me back up before she had to go. She told me how she loved the woman I was growing into through this rough time, and how even though neither of us knew where I would be in 5 years, that she had faith that God was going to do something great in my husband and I and our future family. I laughed, and told her how much easier it would be if I could just catch a glimpse of where we would be in 5 years! If I could just SEE the kiddos art projects on the wall, and the tiny shoes by the door, and the bottles and diapers and frazzled faces of my husband and I... if I could just SEE them for one second, it would be so much easier to be patient, to trust, and to lean on God. ...But that isn't being patient, trusting, or leaning on Him at all, is it? She so sweetly smiled. My friend is so very wise.
"I remember the years of college in which I had to go through so much heartbreak to find the man that I was going to spend my life with..." she begins, "...so many of my friends miss those years, but I wouldn't go back. I was growing, and it was so painful. I'm thankful I went through the times- it prepared me to be the wife I am to my husband- but I would never go back." she says with a laugh. I immediately am reminded of when Walter and I first met. We both laugh, we know where this is going... She continues, "If 5 years ago I would have had a glimpse of where I am now, I would have said 'NO WAY God! I can't do that!' I had no idea who He planned for me to marry, or for Him to give me children so early in our marriage..." She knows I feel the same way.
*FIVE YEARS AGO (March of 2006):
*I wasn't even out of high school for a year, and I was still struggling through finding my way through my college campus.
*I smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, and all those other idioms...
*I was going to school for Mass Communications, for I wanted to be in Advertising, and sell the 'American Dream' to unsuspecting buyers. I loved the idea of almost 'tricking' people into digging their own demise of debt. I wanted to be an independent women, and stand on my own feet. I was a woman who wanted to be the BOSS of my job, my husband, and any future children I had. I wanted to be a woman no one would mess with- this included having multiple employees under me, having multiple cell phones in which I could fire said employees on a whim, and living in a big city apartment as close to a Starbucks as possible.
*I was dating a man who I ADORED, and who was EXACTLY my type -tall and super thin, quiet and reserved, good style, attractive, and a man I could manipulate.
*I was in my very FIRST MONTH of being saved, and attending a church that I thought was a little too 'commercial' to be a real church. I teased the church my boyfriend had coaxed me into attending, and it's coffee shop and rock band.
*I was 'homeless', living on my boyfriend's couch when his brother wasn't staying at the apartment. I had everything I owned at the time in a small Wal-Mart bag that I hauled from his house, to friend's houses that would let me stay for a night. I was desperately looking for a job I could walk to, still attend classes, and spend time with the boyfriend I was obsessed with. An apartment of my own seemed like a crazy dream.
*GROWING PAINS (March 2006- March 2011):
These five years now seem to have passed like the blink of an eye... but looking more closely, they have been a very long and painful 5 years.
*After getting a job that very same month it seemed impossible, I moved into an apartment when I woman I had never met in March of 2006- I was plainly excited for a room of my own. I bought my car back from my parents as well. God really grew my faith in finances that month when I earned exactly what I needed. He continued to provide, and I moved into a bigger apartment of my very own. Later, I had a roommate move in that I had only met once. I was able to later lead her to Christ as well.
*The man I was dating (who I was now engaged to), although he seemed to be exactly my type on the surface, deep down he had plenty of his own issues he needed to deal with. In November of that same year, just one month after getting engaged, we got into an argument and he beat me black and blue. At this point, I felt to be at a fork in the road... luckily, I choose the road that threw me deep into my faith. Otherwise, I honestly would not be here today.
*One month later, God was really digging in deep and I felt like I was NOT going to be in advertising. God really weighed down hard on me about the Christian lifestyle, and I left my college classes completely dependent that God was going to provide. I vowed to date Jesus for one year, and to not date another man in that time period. This year was a time of great growth, and one of my favorite years of my life thus far. At the end of this year, I decided to date a man who had been pursuing me for a few months, although he was NOT my 'type'. He wore basketball shorts everyday, he had a TERRIBLE haircut, and always tried to be the funny guy... but truth was, he was just weird.
*After just a few months of dating him, I moved to Denver, Colorado to attend a missionary school that I felt God led me to. I now know God lead me to this school just to teach me what my 'type' of man SHOULD be. During this time he recommitted his life to Christ and really spent time with Him. I came home early from my schooling, and got engaged the very next day to this man who was so 'odd'... but also so very kind, loving, honest, patient... Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but someone who fears the Lord is to be praised. THIS was the 'type' of man I was to be with. Not someone who cared about style, but a man who could be good to the woman he loved.
*Married blissfully, we own our own home and life is pretty perfect for us other than we have no child to share our overflowing love with... but how can I EVEN IMAGINE where these next 5 years will take me?!
So I've decided I need a daily pep talk! lol :) Anyone wanna pick a day of the week to call me and give me a 15 minute pep talk, stop by for a tight hug, or shoot me a long-winded text? You would be surprised how much difference those 30 minutes of positive, strong, God-minded chatting changed my entire perspective today. Thank you, friend. <3 I so needed that cry, hug, and encouragement.
Sitting here, blogging immediately after you left, I'm actually singing along to the worship songs on the radio. I feel a small shine of hope through the masses of despair, hopelessness, and loneliness. Words cannot express the love I have for you, my cherished friend.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for not letting me a glimpse of who I am today 5 years ago because I know I would have begged you otherwise. I would not have ever imagined to be in my own home, and dependent on my husband as a *GASP* housewife! BUT I ADORE IT! I love my husband more and more every day, and now looking back, I can't think of ONE person in my entire life more suited for me. No other man would have been able to deal with my 'bad days' like he does. He picks me up, and makes me thankful of what I have. He makes 'good' days the best days of my life and makes my life a total JOY- with or without children. I have plenty of blessing and favor in having him alone! Thank you Lord Jesus, for sending my good friend to give me the perspective re-adjustment I so desperately needed. I fear going to bed tonight, for I never know the woman I will wake up to be anymore... but I trust that You will pull me through- either through a pep talk from a friend, a song on the radio, having some time with my husband, or just anything to help me to remember to COUNT MY BLESSINGS.