Today Gracie and I have been separated for four months. I miss her more and more everyday. Sometimes I still think I'm pregnant, and that I know her so well, any day now we'll be bringing her home from the hospital.
I know it sounds crazy. Losing a child does that to you, I think.
My facebook status reads,
"Even though it is difficult for me to have you live inside my heart, and yet to still be separated from you, I will bear the pain until the day I die and I can finally hold you in my arms. It's been four months since you went to live in heaven, and I have thought of you every moment. Mom & Dad love you Gracie! Hebrews 11:5-6"
...and not like I need someone to, but not a single person has commented on it. Not a "how are you holding up?", or "praying for you today!", or not even "what the hell are you talking about?!" has been posted below. I don't want to bore all you facebookers with the woes of my life, but am I doing that already? Is four months all a woman gets to mourn the death of her unborn child? Is it because I don't know the color of her hair? Or what she smelled like? Is it because she wasn't a 'real' child, and because I'm not 'really' a mom?! Sad thing is, I've heard these things from a few people.
To be honest, I'll mourn her everyday until the day I will be with her. With or without support. ...But I also do understand that sometimes, it's time to let it go a bit too. Although a 7th of the month will never pass without me thinking of her, there will not be a "78th month apart" facebook or blog post.
I will always, ALWAYS be Gracie's mommy. And if I never have another child, then she will be enough for me. She is my treasure stored in heaven. I think of her playing with Jesus in the clouds often.