God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How Many Months Shall I Count?

Today Gracie and I have been separated for four months. I miss her more and more everyday. Sometimes I still think I'm pregnant, and that I know her so well, any day now we'll be bringing her home from the hospital.
I know it sounds crazy. Losing a child does that to you, I think.
My facebook status reads,
"Even though it is difficult for me to have you live inside my heart, and yet to still be separated from you, I will bear the pain until the day I die and I can finally hold you in my arms. It's been four months since you went to live in heaven, and I have thought of you every moment. Mom & Dad love you Gracie! Hebrews 11:5-6"
...and not like I need someone to, but not a single person has commented on it. Not a "how are you holding up?", or "praying for you today!", or not even "what the hell are you talking about?!" has been posted below. I don't want to bore all you facebookers with the woes of my life, but am I doing that already? Is four months all a woman gets to mourn the death of her unborn child? Is it because I don't know the color of her hair? Or what she smelled like? Is it because she wasn't a 'real' child, and because I'm not 'really' a mom?! Sad thing is, I've heard these things from a few people.
To be honest, I'll mourn her everyday until the day I will be with her. With or without support. ...But I also do understand that sometimes, it's time to let it go a bit too. Although a 7th of the month will never pass without me thinking of her, there will not be a "78th month apart" facebook or blog post.
I will always, ALWAYS be Gracie's mommy. And if I never have another child, then she will be enough for me. She is my treasure stored in heaven. I think of her playing with Jesus in the clouds often.


  1. Just so you know, I saw your status and said a little thought prayer to myself. So feel assured that I'm sure a lot of people are sending up silent prayers and are respecting your space to mourn and feel your feelings without putting in their own two cents.

    I think you have all the time in the world to mourn because no one else can know your pain. I can't have any idea what you are feeling so you should never feel like you can't - regardless of whether or not people "get it" - no one will "get it..." That being said, I will continue to pray and I might not comment but just know that it's not out of spite but out of respect.

  2. I think most people just don't know how to respond or what to say and sometimes saying "I'm praying for you" feels so cliche (even though someone actually IS praying for you). You can mourn as long as you need, and you SHOULD still miss your little girl. Just don't forget to keep living in the meantime.

    Can't wait to get to know you more!

  3. Thanks you two. Really, really appreciated.