God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Quarter Crisis

It has been decided.

After prayer and a lot of talking with my husband... and even more time spent staring at a blank wall deep in thought... I am ready to make it official by blogging it.

I. Am. Content.

I don't need to be a mom right now. In fact, I've stopped praying about it. It doesn't have to happen right now. My life isn't a process with the next 'step'. Step One: Graduate from High School. Step Two: Go to College. Step Three: Get Married. Step Four: Make a Home. Step Five: Have a Baby ...but what now? What will I focus all that FOCUS on now that I'm not picking out nursery patterns? The answer: ANYTHING GOD PUTS IN FRONT OF ME. Some thoughts Walter and I have been thinking...

*We are in the process of cutting back to pay of the $2,500 in medical bills we have accumulated. We will NOT take another 'step' in our medical road (prescriptions, IVF, etc) until this is paid for and history.

*Walter and I plan to take music lessons together. I want to learn violin, and he wants to learn electric guitar. Hey, we may be the new Skillet. ;) If anyone has recommendations of where we could go for these, please let me know!

*Walter and I will be accepting foster children as soon as there are children available to us.

*Walter and I plan to lose 75LBS together! We are going to encourage each other, and have fun doing it. (Anyone selling a bicycle btw?)

*We are planning a trip to Rome, Italy in January of 2012.

*For the first time in my life, I am going to read the ENTIRE Bible this time. Not all of the New Testament, and give up somewhere near Numbers... lol

...and there are going to be many crazy things to follow. The feeling that God has given me is hard to explain, and I guess the best I can compare to is a mid-life crisis. I know I'm not halfway to heaven... but I could be. I could be MORE than halfway. I could die tomorrow. Grim, I know, but truth. I watched a video from a friend going through the same hurts and struggles and she said one word changed her entire outlook. That word that God gave her was ENTITLEMENT. God is teaching me the same. I deserve nothing, and who am I to tell God He can't have our daughter or that my love for Him will be ANY different with or without His blessing of a child. This is the day the Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it... and act my age. :)

I'm not 39. I know only months ago I would have punched you in the eye if you told me, "You've got time!".., but I do. I still yearn to be a mother deep in my bones, but I can wait 'til 25... okay Lord,26... okay okay okay! Lord, I can wait until Your timing. I will wait.

Instead of informing God that He has me in the wrong season of life, I am going to enjoy this season I am in. I love my husband too much to share him right now anyway. :)
A few weeks ago I signed up for a support group in the midst of my depression and shame. That support group meets tonight. I will still be going, but I think my Lord has healed me just fine. My first meeting may be my last. I can do all things through Christ, even if what I must do is simply move on. I will always love my daughter, and when people ask if I have children, I will tell them I have the most adorable little girl in heaven waiting for me. She is my treasure.
Gracie, mommy is totally happy and content if you are my only child. You, and Jesus, and Daddy are enough for me. My dear Gracie, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to realize, but I thank you.
God gives, and God takes away. When God took my daughter, He gave me a new outlook on life.

So I am going to act 24. Not counting the days and months I have been trying and NOT receiving, but counting every day as a blessing. I seem to a part of the dark story of losing Gracie; the part where in mere hours I could have lost my own life as well. Don't worry Christian friends, I'm not going to start spending every night out at the clubs or showing too much cleavage... but don't be surprised if I have teal hair or another tattoo. I'm 24. :) Life is worth living, and God has me right where I should be.


  1. Good good step. Congrats to you.

  2. This post pleases me to NO end! I was just thinking about you and praying for you earlier today (no kidding!).
    When we were waiting for our babies, we had a "song" and every time that song played we stopped and prayed for them, not knowing who they were. You might know it...Strength will rise as they wait upon the LORD. I think it applies here. :)