God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Message of a Swift Kick

I received a message from a friend who called me out on how rude I was with some of the things I said about Abi. She's so right. I want this blog to be as honest as possible, but some times I type before I think. She cut and pasted my own quote and I scared myself. I hate how this bitterness, anger, and sadness has changed me. I don't want it to, but I can feel my heart hardening in some places, and am not sure how to make it stop.
I am sorry for Abi. I am sorry she will most likely go through a lot of struggles to raise a baby. I am sorry that the father is not one like Walter could be. Mostly I feel sorry for her that she felt so unloved she thought she had to make this choice to force someone to love her. I have been at the place, and with all honesty, I would rather be barren than at that place.
Thank you all for reading my words, and thank you to those of you who can still read between the lines and know that it is the anger and sadness and bitterness talking and not the voice of the Jen you know. I am trying to keep who I truly am through fighting the 'demons' off, but some days I think I win a little less than they do. Please keep your prayers coming.
[W]hile I have my beautiful girls -- and that is what you see now -- when I was 24 I was told I would never be able to conceive children.
I understand where you are standing b/c I have been there. I understand loosing yourself to the pain and the sadness of loss.
Even when I already had [my first] ....is always with me. I see him growing beside his cousin who was born on his due date.
I understand the anger you are feeling too. All my friends had their second babies that year. I was empty.
Then my friend's baby got sick. I watched him waste in her arms as my belly filled with [my second]. We were never in the same place at the same time with our grief. But we grieved and continue to grieve together. The souls that have been entrusted to our keeping don't replace the loss...ever. But time is the only thing that has made the loss less sad.
Life changed us. [Life] can be harsh sometimes.
I'm so concerned for you. Your anger is overtaking you. The loving, forgiving woman I knew would never have said [edited quote].
What I believe is that the will of the Gods (I'll use my terms here but you can translate to God) can never be known to us. It isn't for us to know.
That child who is carrying a child has probably been given a burden that she will not be able to carry alone. You and I both know how much that hurts, but it is not for us to know why.
Because of her choices, she may never have the relationship you and Walter do. She may never be able to afford her own home or pursue dreams she has just begun to dream.
Children are willful, they lie, they don't believe. Standing by them in that place is the most difficult place to be in. Especially when you are lost in grief.
I pray for you to find peace. I pray for you to feel the love all around you and be able to give that back to everyone around you.
My faith has a saying "bright and dark blessings" because without the darkness, we cannot appreciate the light when it arrives.
In darkness and in light,

I cannot thank you enough for the message posted above, and for your loving friendship. Thank you for knowing who I am, before this tragedy had touched me, and for keeping me that person. Thank you for the kick I so needed at the time. Thank you for sharing, and the encouragement.

No comments:

Post a Comment