God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

True Life: "I'm Desperate to Have a Baby"

*containing spoilers!*

Just today MTV's 'True Life' released an episode called, "I'm Desperate to Have a Baby".
Many people in my 'TTC Community' loved it and I read their praises on it before finally snuggling up with Walter on the couch and watching it.
There were parts that had me tearing up and remembering our struggle and there were parts that tugged on my heart and brought me to a place I had forgotten pieces of. As much as I want to say I'll NEVER forget the road I had to take to get Sullivan I know I can't say that this is 100% true. We forget. Sometimes, we even choose to forget a piece of our journey.

Seeing the familiar needles and tests, and hearing the dreaded phone calls stung. It will always and forever be the path that we took to get our child, and it will forever be a part of our history as a family (it may also be a part of our future, who knows!).

Throughout the episode we follow two women and their husbands. One going through her first round of IVF (we'll call her Lady A because I forget the names and am too lazy to look them up), and the other giving her sixth try at IVF/FET (Lady B). If you've ever seen the show before, you know the format is to bounce back and forth between the stories and show the different perspectives. Lady A responded beautifully, with 16 eggs retrieved, 8 of them fertilizing, and the embryos appearing BEAUTIFUL (as the nurses said over and over). Throughout the show she struggled with worry and so much more, as IVF often forces us to become balls of emotion and chaos. Then, the show would cut to Lady B, slowly (and so SO gracefully) preparing for her SIXTH TRY! Lady B and her husband were so desperate for a child, and in just a few moments you were begging for the best for them. Their hearts were beautiful, and so much of their journey hit home.

I believe if this show showed anything, it can show the difference adversity can make in our lives. Both of these women were sweet and kind women in all appearances, but you could definitely see the difference between them. As Lady A teared up and worried, Lady B would smile through the bruises that covered her stomach. Lady B's stomach was a heart-wrenching (and too familiar) site, but her smile radiating was more captivating. It's only an assumption, but I just have a feeling this woman has spent so much time on her knees in prayer. She carried herself with a maturity that only comes after being sent through the ringer. She rose, tattered and torn, and just kept fighting for her dream.

Lady A was beautiful, and you can tell she had such a strong and beautiful desire to be a mother. Her and her husband stumbled through the IVF process awkwardly (as we all do the first time through!) and it was like watching a sweet child learning to walk. This by no means is trying to belittle her, it's actually just so very sweet to watch the purity she had. The results of her first IVF was 8 'beautiful' embryos. She transferred two, and carried an adorable baby boy to term before being induced. She has 6 embryos still frozen, and has hopes of having two more children from them. I was thrilled to see their excitement unfold and grow. It was beautiful to see the faces of the new parents.

But- it was Lady B who had my heart and my attention. Watching her was like watching a skillful dancer. She was determined, and yet beautifully broken and hopeful. When she explained her journey, her words almost sounded like they were coming from an eerie place, yet she held her head high and forced a smile on her face. When the call came, and she learned she yet again, would not carry a child she broke and my heart broke with her. She dropped and cried out and talked to her husband about her anger. This is when the tears came, reminding me of our own first call of bad news. The nest shot was 3 months later, and she talked about how they're just "coming out of the hole" again. That line hit me deep. I know that hole all too well and I know the self-doubt, and the anger, and the emptiness that is in that hole with you. However, she wasn't still in bed. She was making salads for a friend who was coming over to discuss the possibility of her friend being a surrogate for them. The episode ended was Lady B explaining how she was 'guarded' about the situation but you could also feel the excitement of things to come. This woman had learned to be a fighter, and that's what she was doing. She was fighting for a sweet baby to call her own, and she didn't care about sympathy. She took the shots like a champ and didn't have that tone in her voice that asked for pity that I believe many TTCers have. She was radiating strength.

I know many journeys can build us and grow us or make us crumble, but I know my struggle with infertility has molded me to be someone else. It was a painful road that brought so many mixed feelings, but I feel blessed to have gone through it.

Just like a mother soon forgets the pain of childbirth once she holds her newborn, I think I've forgotten some of the hurt and the pain of trying to conceive. I can easily say 'he's worth it', but I wish I could give every mom TTC right now just a few seconds of the joy motherhood brings. If I could bottle it up and give it as a gift, even just a few seconds I believe would change the entire air around TTC. No longer would the shots sting, or the BFNs crush our entire souls. This joy and contentment would feel more like it was within reach, and the 'complete' feeling would be worth the wait. Once you've become a mom, it no longer matters how many BFNs came before, or how long you waited. You are just so blissfully content.

I hope I wear my scars like Lady B does.
No sympathy or pity needed, just a fighting spirit that made you stop in your tracks just to watch her take her next move. 


  1. So beautifully written, sums it all up - Thank you for sharing and highlighting this episode in a positive way. Those beautiful brave couples are Lady A - Jenna & Kurt and Lady B- Candace & Chris of Ourmisconception - I never met C & C in person but have been there through their journey as online support! Feel free to check out the hashtag #TrueLife1in8 if you are ontwitter - we hosted a LIVE chat for the show. I will be sharing this post along as I feel you hit every moment on key. The pain is there for all of us who have been there and a program like this brings us back however this show touched on all the "Real" of infertility.

    1. Thank you so very much Fran, for your sweet words and for reminding me of the names and directing me to where I can follow their journey. They were a couple that definitely had my heart, and still has my prayers.
      You are definitely right, I am so thankful this program brought out so much of the life of infertility and put in for others to see. I am so thankful for the two brave couples who let the camera follow. I was, and am, in awe.

  2. Hey Inconceivable, this is Lady B! Thank you for your amazing synopsis of this episode of MTV True Life. To say that the filming was invasive would be an understatement. BUT, our will to share the struggle and the ache to hits at your core is great enough to go through that. The crew were incredible and did an amazing job to bring this story to the surface of what will hopefully be a more aware society. You exquisitely summarized all of the moments in the show; the great joy we all had for Jenna and Kurt and the "DAMN" for us Lady B folks. Please know that we are stll marching, never quiting, and will see this thing through all the way to having our family just as you did. We wear our bruises and scars as badges. Maybe noone else sees them, but we will remember them every time we see someone wanting to start their family. Thank you for your praise, encouragement, and prayer.

    1. Candace!
      I am so humbled by the fact that you read my blog, because the way you carried yourself on the show was an inspiration. I cried for you, and for myself, and for so many women who have to deal with the invasiveness of infertility daily... but you took it a step further to helps others understand and to make it easier for those to follow you. Like I said to Fran in the post above, I am in awe. I hope you know what an impact your attitude made on me, and that I hope I can inspire like you have.
      By the way, we are in Illinois! Near St. Louis.
      Thanks so much for commenting, and for letting me be a new follower to your blog!

  3. OMG both Eric and I teared up several times during that show. So many memories... some of them good, some of them hearwrenching. While I'm grateful we never had to do IVF, my heart is still there with everyone who has/is.

    P.S. I can't believe "Lady B" commented! How cool is that - she has a blog! :)

    1. Right?! lol

      I am so thankful for you too! Cannot wait to cheer with you when baby is here (you'll hear me from there I'm sure!) lol