A Checklist of Fear

After a hard talk with a good friend of mine, and after the wall had been torn down and my hardened heart was broken down, she had me realize some truths. I've been hiding. Hiding from others' joy about pregnancy.

If I see a pregnant woman at a restaurant, I sit as far away as possible and then sit in the chair with my back to her.

I've blocked the friends who are pregnant from my news feed on facebook, in fear they will say something i so desperately want to say.

If someone says something to hurt me about TTC, instead of calling them out on it, I just avoid them in fear that out of not knowing the pain I have, they will say something hurtful again.

I turn down some babysitting jobs, because I can't handle it on some days to take care of others' children and not my own.

I play sick and hide from children's birthday parties, my friend's baby showers, and other events in which may get me fearing of sitting in the corner alone wanting to cry and have a stiff drink.

And so on, and so on.

First off, I'm sorry. I don't hide to be vengeful or careless about our friendship. I do it because I don't want to face the hurt of it not happening to me. At selfish as it sounds, I really am so happy for you... I'm just more sad for me, and that makes trying to smile and rejoice with you extremely hard. I don't want to be the pathetic loser hiding in the corner of your baby shower with tears in my eyes and a knife in my heart... I don't want to be the only person in the room that bursts into tears vs bursting into joy when you announce the news of "We're pregnant!"... but it seems like I am to be for awhile. I am sorry.

So, this good friend of mine, has challenged me to face my fears, and talk to each one of these people I have tried to avoid... and tell them the truth. I'm hurt, but I care about our friendship. And most importantly, I am sorry.

I need to speak with...

1. A friend who said something hurtful about TTC not even knowing it. Got coffee with her, and I thank her so much for being so apologetic!
2. A friend who's baby shower I skipped to hide from the pain. Going to get lunch and pedicures with her tomorrow! She is so understanding, and I want to be as good of friend to her and she is to me!
3. A couple who announced their pregnancy and i felt the shock and horror on my face. Dinner is cooking now, and they will be here within hours...
4. Those 4 women who I have blocked on facebook, unblock them, and congratulate them wherever they are in their pregnancy. Done, done, done, and done! .... And I meant it!

Stroms-A-Brewing

Spent last night with two kiddos I absolutely ADORE! :) I took then to a free fair at the YMCA and we roasted marshmellows and rode a hayride, and played on the playground. Walter met us there after work and then we all went out to dinner. As I drove them back to their house for the right it started to rain. I had them brush teeth, use the restroom, and pick out books so we could have storytime before bed. As they fell sleep after a busy evening the rain became a thunderous storm... but they slept away. As I sat there, reading and listening to the storm, thankful I had gotten to to sleep before they knew what kind of storm was soon to be happpening outside, I prayed this wasn't the closest feeling I would ever have to being a mom.

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First is the worst...

...praying second is the best.

Cycle 2 of Femara.

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Good News is Bad News & No News is Good News: The Pain of TTC

Just a little update on living in the pain of TTC:

Tuesday, September 14th: Started my second cycle of Femara after a previous cycle of 31 days. Not too terrible- if you're able to overlook that it actually happened.

Thursday, September 16th: Good News is delivered to our small group by our leader and his wife! After a few weeks of "not preventing" they are expecting a little one! Everyone's eyes in the room lit up with excitement! ...and then all eyes immediately dashed over to where Walter and I were sitting. I wonder what our faces looked like? Did we wear our heartbrokeness on our face? I sure hope we didn't... I hate being that person, that is in just such agony that I can't truly celebrate with anyone receiving the good news I can't seem to have. I think everyone struggles with it to some small degree, it's a classic sign of the "grass is always greener on the other side". However, it's going to take a lot of strength for me to pull through this one. In times where I usually hide from pregnant women (...to be honest, I played sick from a baby shower today. I'm sorry Heather! I do so love you, please know that!) now I am going to be having one in my home once a week. I tried to hide my tears and I hope I didn't bring down your moment Dan & Erika. I am happy for you, it's just overwhelmed by feeling sad for me. I am so sorry.

I cried myself to sleep Thursday, and cried most of Friday. Walter was in tears at times also. I tried to talk with him and put my pain into words, but it was just impossible. Things I said to try were:

"It feels like at any moment my skin should peel and honesty shatter from the inside our because I cannot contain all the sadness and anger"

"I feel like I should be wearing a warning sign around my neck, exclaiming that I am grieving and may snap your head off. Like a scarlet letter to warn everyone of my shortcomings. Only mine letter would be an 'F' for 'failure' or a 'I' for 'infertile.'"

"My chest feels as if my heart is still trying to beat and that my lungs are trying to pull in air, yet there is just wounded tissue all around it that makes doing both an almost impossible job"

... before you recommended I start writing emo songs I will end it there. However, typing those out and reading them they just don't describe the pain enough....

I may joke, and maybe even laugh about being the woman 'trying to conceive'... but really, I am a shell trying to hide the truth pain I so desperately want to let out.

Am I searching for a + too quickly?!

Today is the 27th day of my cycle, and to be honest I'm sitting her with the "to buy or not to buy" question in my head. I stopped keeping pregnancy tests in the house, because I found myself jumping the gun waaaay too early and not being able to contain myself... However, at 27 days in, is it time?! Yes, my periods ran very irregular and a little on the long side... but is it worth a shot?!

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If you can't say anything nice, then don't say...

After posting my latest blog on facebook I decided to post a quick blog to those who need a quick lesson about the right things to say. I don't blame you (all of you who messaged me saying one of these things below...) if you haven't dealt with the pain of TTC and apparently failing you would have no idea how the following statements are hurtful. I'm not mad. We're still friends. However, this is the easiest way I could tell a list of friends that I would rather them not say anything at all vs...

THE TOP THIRTEEN (yes, I had to do 13!) THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN TTC!

13) "There are too many people in the world anyway."
You're right, so that's why I shouldn't have a baby... let's not even mention the THOUSANDS of moms who continue to have child and child when she's not taking care of the children she already has?! Should I wait to have a child until a family member or friend dies? Who in the world has the job of regulating how many people live on it?!

12) "Maybe You're Doing It Wrong!"
Really? God couldn't have made things any more puzzle piece. After the 3rd grade it kind of looses the mysteriousness about it.

11) "At Least You're Having Fun Trying!"
Yeah totally. The last time my husband and I tried, I was drying the dishes when he arrived home from work with an armful full of flowers and told me he loved me and he just shoved everything off the counter right then and there and... Life isn't a movie. Honestly, the last time my husband and I made love it was at 3 o'clock on the 16th day of my cycle after checking my temperatue. I had been cleaning all day and smelled of bleach and he was no better. BUT, it was 3pm on the 15th day! So it had to be done. Yeah, romantic.

10) "A couple I know adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!" OR "I knew a couple who had given up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant!”
This couple must really get around because it seems like almost everyone I know knows this couple! However I am wondering where does the line end? If I wanted to be pregnant, should I pick out the child I want to adopt? Turn in the application fee of a couple hundred dollars? I mean, really... do you see how hurtful that is not to me, but to that poor child. Nothing screams "2nd best" more than that!
From another blog I read, they claimed this discussion would go like this...
"Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?
Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.
Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?
Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing!"
Wow.

9) "Enjoy being able to travel, sleep late, have free time, etc."
For you mother's out there, I know have children is hectic, but would YOU trade them in for sleeping in? Do you see how it doesn't even come CLOSE to comparing?! I get it. Be thankful for the time alone with my husband... and I am... however, when I hear you complain of messy hand prints on the wall or having to wake up extra early int he morning to feed your baby, your complaints just don't compare to the pain of a empty house and feeling like you have failed your husband.

8) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?
Not all at the same time! But yes, truuuust me I've tried every wives tale in the book hoping they would work in and heal my breaking heart or my soon-to-be empty bank account after paying THOUSANDS of dollars for IVF or adoption. Eating a table spoon of cinnamon every day, standing on my head, not taking hot showers for either of us, cutting out foods, etc... all been done.

7) "I wish I had that problem!" OR "My husband just walks in the room and I get pregnant!"
Please, if you need to say this, say it over dinner so I could put that salt on my mashed potatoes vs my wounds. This one shouldn't need explaining, but it does. I get it. You're hyper-fertile. I'm not. Good for you. Next time you're struggling with finances, or death of a parent, or sickness, I will be sure to tell you I wish I had that problem!

You might as well give me this:

6) "Oh, you're still young. It'll happen."
You have no idea how mad this one makes me. Most likely you got decide when to have children. Life goes by in the blink of an eye. Also, please don't give false hope. It may NOT and I'll just postpone the pain til my 40's instead of dealing with it now.

5) "I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish/immoral." Or "Just don't be another Octomom!"
I hear the latter comment more than I would like to say. Such a disappointment. If I wanted that many children, as long as I could take care of them, who are you to tell me no? Just because I may be getting fertility assistance does NOT mean I am going to irresponsible with my possible multiples. Thank you for sharing your beliefs, but they are obviously different from mine. I didn't decide to do any treatment on a whim, believe me, and I took the time to really search my heart in what I believe in. I'll respect yours, you should at least try to respect mine.
From another blog...
"I don’t see how I could open up all the difficulty and depth that
comes with doing IVF to someone who is willing to make such an inane
comparison before understanding what we are going through. Comparing a
regular person who seeks IVF to Nadya Suleman is like comparing someone
who is having marital problems to the girl sleeping with her stepdad."

4) "Why don’t you just adopt?” OR “Why don’t you just do IVF?” OR “You should try In-Vitro, supplements, this doctor I know...etc.”
For one "JUST" adopting or doing IVF doesn't exist. Both are an extremely LONG and extremely EXPENSIVE matter. A lot of international adoption agencies won't let you adopt until both husband and wife are over the age of 25 and it costs around $40,000. Would you JUST give me a loan? Also would you ask this of a couple who is fertile? Of course not! Many people dream of having their own biological child, it being selfish or not. IVF costs around $12,000 and on average requires SEVEN cycles of treatments. That's an average of $84,000!!! I've researched my doctor, and we're working on it. When you are officially trying to conceive and having problems, it is extremely complicated. Please let my trusted doctor suggest the next step for me.
Again from another blog I adore...
"And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?
Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve."

3) "You want kids? Please, take mine!" OR “Being pregnant isn’t fun..."
Another one to say at the dinner table for that salt. You really don't mean to give me your children, and you'd be surprised how often I've thought about it to be honest. I understand being pregnant isn't fun, but you shouldn't really say anything like that to someone like me. Wouldn't you agree that the pros outweigh the cons?! I would give ANYTHING to be throwing up at one a.m. with my back feeling pain like knives and my whole body swelling and aching if I knew I was growing a little one. So yeah, hurtful. Please save these comments for your other friends who have children, they will most likely sympathize with you. I won't. I can't.

2) “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mom/dad.” or "Worse Things that Could Happen"
This one hurt in the beginning stages of TTC, now I just get angry. I'M not supposed to be a Mom?! I am in foster care classes and hear every week of children being burned, murdered, raped, abused, sold and trafficked... and I'M not supposed to be a Mother?! Nothing worse has ever happened to me, and if I'm feeling the worst that I have ever felt in my life, you should really just be a friend and support me instead of making me feel even more selfish and idiotic. To me right now the worst thing in the world that could happen is another woman getting pregnant.

and the #1 thing NOT to say to a friend TTC...

1) "Just Relax"
At this time, I almost hate nothing more than these two words. I am struggling with a medical problem, would you tell a cancer patient or someone with AIDS to "just relax"?! Even if you would, have you ever tried to relax on command? RELAX!!! Are you? Are you?!!! Why not?? Yeah... it's pretty rough isn't it? Especially if you are being poked and tested and given medications and are just... exhausted. If it were just relaxation that would get a woman pregnant, I don't believe rape victims would get pregnant. Talk about stressful...

There you have it! The top 13 hurtful things to say to a friend or loved one trying to conceive!

Again, I'm not posting these things in anger... I do understand your confusion on what to say if I decide to speak with you about my struggles. I can imagine your mind grasping at straws for something to say that would comfort me. If you're really trying to comfort me, just don't say these things. I'm trying to help a wedge to not be between our relationship. If you can't think of anything other than this list to say to me, just nod and hug. Please.

Thanks to:
http://open.salon.com/blog/jeanette_d/2009/08/28/top_10_things_not_to_say_to_someone_experiencing_infertility

His Will and the Seven Stages

For the last week I have really felt a peace about not yet conceiving... After the MONTHS of anger, confusion, even hate that I'd felt, I was unsure if it was a fleeting moment of insanity or true peace to be honest. So I sat on it and prayed over it for 3 days hoping the feeling would stay, confusing or not! I woke up each day feeling more and more like the Lord loved me, and the He did not give me this desire to tease me. I felt like my future child was in trust arms- odd as that sounds.
Today I realized I definitely went through all the stages of grief. For those of you who do not know what each level is:
The Kübler-Ross Model (The 7 Stages of Grief) originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters. Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached...

Denial – After the wedding I just figured that because of the wedding stress I wasn't having my period, nor getting pregnant and believed that as soon as I "calmed down" from it all, I would immediately be pregnant. At this stage, while we weren't officially labeling ourselves as "trying", we were definitely not preventing either. I was slightly concerned, in fact, that it would happen "too soon" for us and while Walter was still kicking off his career and traveling a lot.

Anger – This is the stage I felt like I dwelled in the most. I was angry. At everyone who was pregnant, talking about getting pregnant, and especially God. "After ALL I've done with the kids at CHURCH, YOU won't let me have a BABY?!! How DARE YOU!" went through my mind more often than I want to admit. I was extremely irritable, and I felt like I had to hide who I really was from everyone. I felt awful being in church, and being so angry with Him. Anyone that even slightly said something about "having hope", "having faith", or "just praying" got an evil glance- especially my husband who found a new level of faith while I was going through this stage.

Bargaining – "Lord, I'll still do Your work WITH children! I'll still become a foster parent, we'll still adopt, we'll still go on missions You'll send us to... just let me be pregnant right now!" Truth is, I was unsure about all of that and could see myself not doing what I was promising. This stage was just a few weeks for me because I think through my anger and confusion I knew there was no bargaining with God.

Depression – Oddly enough I am extremely thankful this stage came AFTER I went through the stage of being angry. My depression was bad, but not near the point to where my anger was. During my stage of depression I was a ticking time bomb full of tears. Honestly I couldn't sit through a Pamper commercial without thinking of how worthless I was. "What kind of woman am I?! What kind of WIFE even? Poor Walter, what bad luck, to get stuck with a woman who can't do what women were MADE to do!" My house quickly became a wreck, I never had any energy and I beat myself up every minute I was breathing.

Acceptance – The stage I finally feel like I can claim to be in! After feeling peace, and feeling that peace grow to which I can pray easier, with more love, and that I can finally say, "I will love my God even if He determines I will never have a child." It hurts. Oh God, it still hurts... but I FEEL now that God WILL bless us with our desire in His timing, and that He just needed us to wait for Him. I knew all along that God would fulfill our needs and wants, but now I FEEL it to be true. I feel like I am no longer the child in Sunday School instinctively screaming out "Jesus!" as the answer to every question, no I really feel like a daughter in love with her Father, NOT a robot! :)


I'm sure to still have tough times, where I may skip back to a different stage from time to time... but I know it will not stay for long because I have my God to count on. He CAN handle this!
I want to thank you for all your prayers, keep them coming if you will!