Yesterday would have been my beautiful Grace's 1st birthday.
I would have been panicked. :) Picking up the cake from Kruta's, and cupcakes from The Cup to smash. Making sure my sister would be able to haul her three children over to take pictures of my little one, all covered in icing. We wold have sang 'Happy Birthday' and opened gifts. She would most definitely be wearing some kind of tutu, if not some sort of wings as well. My mom would be beaming... but not as much as I would be, or my husband even. The years of infertility would still hurt, but would be covered up by feelings of unbelievable blessing, who we now call Grace.
Instead I woke up alone and with empty arms. The trivial things of cake-buying were a dream. I woke up early and went balloon shopping instead. Walter and I did a balloon release on her 'due date' last year with friends, and thought we'd continue the tradition. I say, 'due date' because we have been told we were further along than we had thought, but it is the only date we know. Anyways, I texted friends and bought balloons. I must tell you how THANKFUL and APPRECIATIVE I am for those who picked up balloons. Seeing others do this act with us definitely makes me feel less crazy.
Thank you Nicki, my beautiful sister, who shares her three children with me and is first to speak up at family BBQ's to say "soon" when I'm asked about babies of my own. Thank you Momma, who yearns for a baby in our family almost as much as I do, and for doing everything in your power to help. Thank you Momma for also not being afraid to speak up at a beauty parlor when someone mentions placing a baby for adoption! ;) Thank you Caleb, for supporting Walter and I in honoring Grace and for taking the time to show us it is important. Thank you Britney for always being such an amazing friend and honoring Grace on her day and every other day of the year. You're a wonderful friend to us both, and we appreciate the card and gifts more than words can say. Thank you Sarah for weathering through no matter what for our friendship. We are in different life seasons, yet I feel like you are one of the people that understand me the most. I will never be able to thank you enough. Thank you Aunt Jackie, for running to DEALS and grabbing a balloon when your schedule didn't allow you to grab one from us. We are blessed to have a woman like you in our lives and look forward to learning all the wisdom about adoption you have. Thank you Leah and Nora for not being able to grab a balloon, but for still drawing a picture for them.
My nephews, Pierce and Emersn, playing with the balloon:
Britney, and her fabulous photos of her balloon release:
Sarah, and taking a moment for a balloon release in the middle of some hard work:
My Aunt's balloon release at her home:
Leah and her daughter Nora's photo for the babies:
Our balloon release for our much-missed daughter:
The teal balloons represent Grace, and our other lost children.
The other colored balloon (red last year, purple this year) represents all the mothers and children who have been separated on this Earth until another time.
This year we got a 1st Birthday balloon for our Grace.
Before the release Walter and I went to dinner. It was a very nice dinner. On the drive home we looked at some houses and talked hopefully about the future. I also began to get a little disappointed. You see, last year Grace sent a beautiful butterfly and I felt like it was her... However, Walter made me look up and there was the most beautiful sunset shaped just like the tiara on her balloon we had bought. You may think I'm looking for something... and you may be right... but anything that re-affirms us that we'll see our daughter again someday will do.