The chip that begins the crumble

A friend of mine is finally, after almost two years in the process, soon on her way to meet her lovely daughter in China. She has the faith and determination from God to fight the battle and I cannot wait until the day we will all get to meet her little Esther. (You can read about her journey here)
We got to provide a dessert and attend a dessert auction she held to raise her final funds, and I can't imagine the anticipation she must be feeling!

It has really got me thinking about my own anticipation. Some days our adoption journey seems like such a long road, and that it may never get here... Most of the times it's easier on me not to get too attached to the thought. "What if we don't raise enough money? What if something happens? What if our home is too small, our income too low, and we're always the 'wrong age'?" I think to myself. It's easier sometimes not to imagine and just trudge through and not poking at the thoughts of so many things...
However, seeing my friend Jill and her adoption journey coming to a end (but also a new beginning!) has blown a hole right through that wall I have put up. It has got me thinking about her sweet face, or his natural talent for music. Maybe her need to be rocked to sleep, or his cowlick that will never be managed.
Who will they be? Who will my future children be and when will I be able to call them mine?
The wait is excruciating. The painful reminder that we are too young, that we make too little money, and that our compatibly is based on our years of marriage haunts me.
I want to scream, to cry... to hide... from all the doubt and fear and especially the 'what ifs'.

I can't explain it but I love them so much already. My children. I cannot wait to see how my Lord builds our family through fertility treatments, foster care, and/or adoption. I find myself dreaming of them often- the little things that usually don't matter... but in my heart, these 'made up' details are hope to hold onto. I dream of my little girl wanting to be creative like mommy. I can see both of us covered in paint and glitter and a husband walking through the door with a laugh and a roll of his eyes. I can see my son, who is so brave. He likes to stand up for the underdog. But at home, he secretly still loves to be hugged. He loves dogs as well. He could run outside with the dogs in our yard all day long if I'd let him. I can see my daughter coming home, and expanding my horizons by begging me to take he to Aeropostale and attend her cheerleading practices. I'll be the loudest, and most proud momma there. Sometimes I feel God tugging at my heart that my daughter may not hear me, and so I intend to learn to sign. I can see my son sitting in his room, enjoying hours of reading. He's so cautious and careful, thoroughly examining all options before making a decision. It will try my patience, but I know God is growing that in me too.

I added a fundraising thermostat on my page, stolen from the blog mentioned above. I set the goal for $20,000 (less than my friend's need, but enough) and accounted the $600 we have saved and set aside in our account. Most of you may look at the small speck of green and think we have a long way to go. We do. But tonight, all I can see is that beautiful, beautiful progress. It may not be much but every nickle and dime reminds me of the children already in my heart -whether they be born on this Earth already or only known by God- and it gives me a flicker of hope. The devil will keep sending his doubt, and his fear... but as long as there is a penny found in the parking lot, or a dime hidden in the car seat a match is struck in the big, dark room and I cannot help myself but think of them.

They are my children -my daughter, my son- and I not forget.

May Maddness

Sorry to have been out of the blogging loop. I intend on catching all up in the post, and then going back and reading all the blogs I have missed It truly has been a crazy month (yes, I realize it's June... MID-June... but I just can't accept that quite yet, lol).

Birthday Belle- My little fuzzbutt had a birthday this month! We went to Traveling Tails for their temperment test (for our vacation later) and unfortunately had to get a shot beforehand due to my poor planning. A shot on her birthday? I'm a terrible mommy. However, she always takes shots like a champ and almost act excited for the shots due to the extra love and treats after. Speaking of which, we got her a special 'Happy Birthday' bone as usual from Four Muddy Paws. She shared with Lucy and their little noses were covered in the 'chocolate' for the rest of the day. 

I remember the day we got Belle; She was Walter's 21st birthday gift. She was not the smallest in the litter, but definitely picked on like the runt. She still has a scar on her nose from panicking when her brother was trying to play with her. As soon as we stooped down she just crawled into my lap, she was so ready to be away from all the roughhousing. I thought she was so sweet, and calm... she was immediately my first choice. We were going to name her Akasha, an evil vampire from a movie Walter and I loved... but she was simply too sweet for a name like that. Her calm lasted for an entire two days. She thrived being the only dog in the home (until recently when we definitely felt it was the right season to get her a playmate). 

Belle's birthday always makes me think of how quickly time passes. We got her right after we moved in our first home, just months after getting engaged. Walter was new to his job, and could fit everything we owned into one room of our 'four bedroom home'. We had two camping chairs, an air mattress, a small tube TV, and this new puppy. Let's just say, potty training was a piece of cake with no where to hide. Walter was being sent out of town a lot with work and with all we've been through, it was the roughest season on our relationship. 

I'm so grateful for what we have now. I don't show it all the time, and so maybe I'm still learning gratefulness, but I definitely appreciate the little built-in reminder our little Belle's birthday serves. In her four years we've seen a lot, and I love her more than I ever could have imagined for claiming to 'not be a pet person'. Happy 4th Birthday my little Stinkerbelle.

Being Mrs. Jenny- Most of you know, I've been a nanny for quite some time now. It's not steady work, but it's the best job there is. This is my third summer sitting for Will & Kate (the first summer was full-time, the past two have been for just 4-5 weeks) and they are some of the best kids I know. If my kids are half as cool as they are, I will consider myself overly blessed. We've been having tons of fun with daily art projects, field trips, clubhouse making, and many games of hide-and-seek. My three weeks with them are over as of today, and I cannot wait to spend one last week with them beginning the end of July. 

First Respite & Updates- Walter and I completed our first respite for foster care! For those of you who do not know, respite is taking care of foster children who already have a foster home for a small period of time while the foster parents or away -or- babysitting. :) We are thrilled to have this under our belts.

We are also in the process of switching agencies. Our agency really wasn't doing much for us, and after helpful advice from a friend (you know who you are!) we decided to switch to Christian Child Family Services (CCFS). Unfortunately, in doing so we found out our license was never 'completed' and our home study and medical reviews expired last month. Urgh. BUT, that's just the way it is. Our new home study is this upcoming Tuesday. Walter and I are really excited to be finally finishing this process, and feel like we're walking into a season that is preparing us to accept children into our home (of course, pending upcoming IVF news). Please be in prayer for our new case worker, agency, home study, and medical review. It will be nice to finally get that license in the mail officially!

IVF- Hello, did you skim down to see if I'd be talking about this? :) I'm sure there are a few of you out there...! You can admit it.

Walter and I are 'officially' in IVF round #2! Our plan has been drafted after changes have been discussed and we're on our way. I was supposed to start medication to prompt my period Monday (I haven't had a period since the period after IVF #1 with Day 1 being March 22nd) that is a pill for 10 days. Instead of starting I decided to put it off for a bit... it would be very unfortunate to have my period during our vacation! Thank you Sarah for the reminder! This, of course, pushes our IVF procedure date back a week or two... but I think we are both definitely okay with that. Our doctor has decided less pills and more shots, in short. There will be much more on this later. Right now please be in prayer for some upcoming blood work on Monday. (Also please be in prayer for two amazing friends, who also just started seeking fertility help at Washington University and have decided to do IVF/ICSI in September.)

Our attitudes are very different from last time. After reading a blogger's post that I follow, I realized we've passed our first 50months of trying to conceive. Seems like it's impossible, but June is our 52nd month. However, there is a peace and a calm... We know where we stand whether this results in a pregnancy or not. If it doesn't... well, that is okay. It really is. I'll be excited to fully open our home and be a foster momma! I am a blessed, blessed woman. For the first time in my life, when I think about being pregnant with a child a little bit of a "I'm not ready!" panic shivers through me. I think it's because I am so happy being a wife to Walter right now, and am excited for the many things to come sans child. Another part of me thinks that's the perfect timing to expect a child to come. ;) Exactly what happened when I found the man of my dreams.

Pamper- I was finally able to get my hair dyed! Whew. For a long time I have been rocking that awesome new 'ombre look' completely unintentional, lol. I was able to sit back, get my hair dyed, and get my eyebrows done as well. For awhile I had been thinking of adding just a little teal to my usual jet-black dye job in proud support of women with PCOS. Well friends, it has been done. I seriously love it. Getting to do this has been heavenly. I thank the Lord for this awesome nanny 'job' (I can't believe I get paid for so much fun!) to let me do the little things like this that I've been putting off for over 7 months- Will and Kate (and their Mommy!) even had my spray their hair blue today. It only lasts one day, but it was awesome.

I was also able to get a pedicure with my sister yesterday. Her due date for her third child is today. I didn't even mind it that out of the eight women getting their toes done that I was one of the only ones not pregnant (Thank goodness for ONE other woman!). I'm so happy for my sister- even saying that has been a long trip of healing- and I'm so excited to meet my new niece/nephew soon. 

I think that's all for now. I promise to be around more... wait... I guess I don't really because vacation starts tomorrow! Wow. I'm so excited for some time alone with my beloved. I promise to be back right after to tell you all about the non-sexy details! Hopefully it will be a short post. lol ;)

Summer 2012 Bucket List

Things I want to do with my husband this summer:

• Hand wash the cars, taking plenty of time to splash and play
• Visit a bed & breakfast
• Have a picnic
• Watch fireworks on Independence Day
• Add some 'curb appeal' with a few days of hard work
• Visit the local Farmer's Market
• Go Geocaching
• Go 'camping' in our car
• Go to the Botanical Gardens
• Eat lots of sno cones
• Watch a sunset
• Renew our vows on our anniversary
• Have a 'slumber party' and stay up watching movies all night
• Carve our names into a tree
• Make a stone out of cement with our hand prints
• Have a photo shoot
• Have a paint fight
• Ride bikes together
• Raise money for our Adoption Account
• Get tattoos for our children
• Write to Mickey & Minnie Mouse
• Go to Skyview and watch my first drive-in movie
• Have our caricature drawn at Six Flags again
• Grill shish-ka-bobs
• Have a no-spend week
• Go to The Muny
• Go to Pi
• Explore Collinsville
• Stage a 'power outage' for a weekend

Things I want to do with friends this summer:

• Go on a road trip
• Paint the spare room, and turn it into a craft room
• Make wind chimes
• Go to a Christian concert
• Swim at my parents' pool
• Raise money for the Adoption Account
• Get a PCOS tattoo
• Make 'Drunken Gummy Bears'
• Shop for antiques 
• Make/eat s'mores

Things to do by myself this summer:

• Take violin lessons
• Spend an entire day reading
• Catch up on making yearly Shutterfly photo books
• Write a encouraging note to leave somewhere to 'pass on'
• Raise money for our Adoption Account
• SMASHbook
• Create a 'Date Night' jar
• Finish crocheting the blanket for our bedroom
• Dye some of my hair a fun color
• Work out and lose weight
• Walk the dogs a lot
• Ding Dong Ditch the neighbors, but leave a treat 
• Create a Before/After photobook of our home
• Check into learning Sign Language
• Update our profile for foster care

Any other ideas? This list will be a work in progress, so be sure to check back for updates! :)

Party for 11? and then some...

A friend of mine has asked me to watch her two biological children and three foster children for a week while she heads out-of-state. I was then asked to pick up a child from the airport and watch the infant and 1-year-old she watches as well... along with the two grade school children I watch during the summer. I'm also working at Starbucks this week, and having a Thirty-One party to host, put in, etc. Nevermind the work that involves switching our foster care licensing, calling insurance and being put on hold 100 to dispute IVF charges, promising my husband to still do Date Night, etc etc etc.

At the end of the week I plan to book vacation. I'm hoping I don't get carried away and wind up booking the B&B for the rest of the summer! :)

Good. Mail. Day.

Today when my husband got the mail, he brought in a box.

It's amazing what a small, unexpected box in the mailbox can do for your day!

Suddenly, we were 'bickering' (totally teasing!) on who got to open it! "Who is it from?!" I ask all too excited.

"Nathan & Laura" he reads...
"My friends! I get to open!" I say, matter-of-fact like a brat :)
"Mine too!" he pouts
"But... but... but!"
"Fine..." he gives

I tear into the box and find an awesome letter explaining the gift I'm about to see. I read the letter and am thrilled to see that my our friend Laura has given us a beautiful butterfly. It is teal and reads, "baby girl" on it. She has plans to send more and I cannot wait! I'm definitely thinking they will soon become a mobile!

Along with these awesome butterflies, we recieved Nightmare Before Christmas figurines from her! Walter and I had such a fun time putting them together, we plan to watch the movie again really soon! One of our favorites! 

Thank you so much Laura and Nathan, for being such awesome friends to us both :) and for these wonderful gifts. I cannot wait to collect all the little upcoming butterflies and see them grow into something really fantastic that we, and our future children, can really enjoy!

Laura, to answer your questions btw:
I love all your ideas! I think they are so heartfelt and thoughtful! Can we add "Our Angels"?
A verse I would love is Psalm 113:9! Definitely plan to get that verse with a memorial tattoo for them all. :)

Mother's Day Weekend: The Hope for Future

Okay... whew... glad to get all that crud off my heart.
God knows.

The good of Mother's Day!

Right away in the morning I got beautiful text messages from three good friends; Thank you Leah, Mallory, and Jamie! My husband woke me up with a letter he had written and three handmade coupons for 1) 13 foot massages 2) Five favors of my choosing around the home and 3) our vacation next month! He also is paying for a friend and I to do dinner tomorrow night, and bought me a journal, toaster oven, and a new coffee mug.

We did a little running for flowers for my family, and came home to a beautiful card my best friend Sarah wrote for me. Her words will be forever cherished and a reminder of the reward to the end of this struggle. It's worth it!

I later sent out text messages to the mother's in my phone and got a few really sweet messages back. Thank you Valerie, Connie, and Denise! Words of encouragement can really go far and with every one of these 6 messages my day perked right up. I am so thankful God has placed people in my life who do His work and listen to His words. A text is such a small thing to send, but sometimes such a huge blessing of relief on the receiving end.

The end of the night I finally got the Sidewalk Sale for Adoption divided up and ready to deposit. The Sidewalk Sale had went really well. Sarah is amazing, and I love her heart for doing this with my for four years now. Her friendship and support truly is a gift. Speaking of gifts and blessings, another good friend of mine stopped by the Sidewalk Sale on the way to run errands and dropped off a donation. Leah, you are an amazing friend, and through any seasons God may place us in I believe our friendship is stronger. Thank you. 

My mother had given me another filled jar as well! The jar was $69.98 (dang, two pennies shy! lol) and I raised $165.00 with the Sidewalk Sale! The remaining items have been boxed up and are split between Goodwill and [Re]Fresh. 

 I tossed in a couple of dollars and some change in my purse (all the money I had on me, lol- does anyone else never carry cash? I really need to get better at that...) and was able to deposit $237.98 into the Adoption Account!

Thank you so much to everyone who has been helping us through this time by encouraging, praying, financially supporting, or by spreading the word to friends. Each area is so important to us, and we pray that you are open to aid us in as many ways possible. 

I even got the Thank You cards I've been meaning to send out! Everyone who has gave a donation or filled a jar now has a card on the way! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your patience! I'll get better at that!

Thank you so so much who made my 2nd Mother's Day a day of reelection upon all the blessings I've been given, and a heart full of hope for all that is to come. 

Mother's Day Weekend: The Color of My Heart

Mother's Day weekend was a roller coaster of the good and the bad. The highs were uplifting and most definitely heaven-sent. The lows were definitely front he depths of hell that sent me so low I could curl in a ball and hide forever. Thus, I just had to put them in different posts even.
First, I thought we'd get the bad over with so I can let. it. go...

Mother's Day was a beautiful day. The weather was beautiful, and we went to my mom's house for a BBQ and to swim and be with the family. It started great, family was having a good time, and we were sharing stories. I don't know how it got to this point, but my dad said something to make me follow it with the question, "How would you feel if we adopted a child of another race?"

"You mean, like Spanish?"

"Any of the races, dad."

"Well... I guess I would be fine with it as long as it's not black."

I'm sure you can see where this is going. Things were said by him that I don't even feel comfortable typing out. Of course, all of it followed by, "Now I'm not a racist, I have black friends..." I then told him if any of his black friends were sitting here they would be quick to punch him in the face. A few things he said literally made my stomach flip flop and get sick. My grandfather's 'girlfriend' began to chime in, and it took everything in me to remind her that she wasn't even family. The whole family began talking, and debating. As it finally died down, we quickly left and I cried the entire way home.

It made me realize how far out there his beliefs are. It made me realize I desperately want to break the belief that the child will 'force him to make chitlins' and 'marry one of his own kind and force me to be the minority'.I came home to stumble across a blog a friend posted on Facebook: What I Leaned About Motherhood be Being an Adoptive Parent. Her blog was beautiful. I love how she says,

"When you adopt transracially, you do not become the parents of a minority child. You become an interracial family. Adopting transracially effects the entire family unit, and this means that the whole family must adjust to make sure that a child of another race grows up with a sense of belonging.  Adoptive parents must open their eyes to racism, instead of burying their head in the convenient sand of a mythical post-racial world."

It made me really sit and think for quite some time on the biblical belief of 'family'. Is it biblical to do what I feel called to do (adopt children of other races) and put my future family about the family I was born into? I know our 'family' is our spouses and our children... but does that include the children to come?

I believe so. I believe that God has placed this burden on my heart, and given me all the family I could even need in my husband to fulfill his calling of having an interracial family. The older generations can choose when that time comes on which will win between their love for my husband and I (and their grandchild) or their hatred of a skin color. My family really is split right now on their beliefs.

In the debate my sister acted like she was shocked it was even an issue, she and her husband (and their three children) would have no problem with it. My mother even said, "If having a black child is my only chance at having a grandchild then I will love him." Even though I appreciate my mother for saying that, I don't like that she thinks adopting (especially adopting an African child) is a last resort. My grandpa ans his girlfriend literally stuck out their tongues in disgust at adopting- I may as well have been eating raw meat off the dirty soil.

I can only hope God will bless us with children of our own, and children who are Asian or African American. I think interracial families are the most beautiful I've ever seen, and I would love to someday be a family that fights against the negative stereotypes that somewhere along the road I 'settled'.

I was also told not once Happy Mother's Day by my family.