God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Friday, May 4, 2012

"the birthday nights"

I know it's not terribly late, but for a woman who was up until 1AM this morning getting ready for a yard sale and to be up at 5:30AM getting for said yard sale... it's late enough.

But I can't sleep.

Our 'sidewalk sale' was rained out after just finishing setting up, and rescheduled for next weekend. It really bummed me out, not going to lie, to bring all that hard work back into my home (and porch...please don't rob me!) with only having made one sale. A sweet lady, who Walter said was his mother's friend, bought a file organizer from me for $2. I know there's next week, and I know we have plenty of time to raise the money...

Yet- if you've ever seriously had adoption on your heart, you know the nights of racing thoughts, sleeplessness, and unprompted hope. The nights I call 'the birthday nights'.

'The birthday nights' begin normal. You crawl into bed, snuggle your beloved, you pray... but when you roll over you soon realize your spouse has been snoring for quite some time. You try to shake the thoughts, but they just cling to you like wet clothing. Unable to pluck them out of your mind, you're forced to just cave in and let your thoughts play out in your head.

Why 'the birthday nights'? These nights got this name because I feel like that is the thought out of the millions that repeats over and over... "What if my son, my daughter, is being born right now?"

Your heart has never lived in such a purgatory if you've never thought this. You emotions play with you, bouncing back and forth from "I bet she's beautiful. He'll play ball in the yard with Walter- we'll have to get a basketball hoop. Will the mother want pictures? I can do that. Will the mother want to visit? Can I do that?! Will the child love me? Will we bond correctly? What if he's sick? Abandoned?! What if there's no one there to tuck her in tonight? I want to hold him/her/them all so badly... I bet they're beautiful."
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I usually lie there recounting these moments over and over, and thinking of our future as a family, and praying... I do lots of praying. However, tonight I decided to get out of bed and get my thoughts 'onto paper'. First, I skimmed my blogroll and noticed a blog I'm new to following with a new post. I've never met this woman, but I sat at cried at her words. She spoke of how her future second adoptive child already existed in their hearts, bodies, and minds. The words were so beautiful and so close to my heart, it was nice to know I'm not crazy- - or at least in good company. :)

I know that feeling she is talking about. I may not know who my child is, or where they'll be born... but I know I love them. I know I've longed to hold them and teach them and watch them grow with awe. It doesn't matter to me what blood type, skin color, or DNA they have. I just want to be a family.

I know God is working on us, and preparing us for the right timing- His timing- and for the first time I can honestly say I'm at peace with the wait. Our child/children will come at the. most. perfect. timing. All the sleepless nights will be a distant memory... well, the sleepless silent nights... :)

I'll leave you with a thought that puts a smile on my face (followed by a yawn signaling to me it is finally bed time)... maybe my child is up for a night feeding right now and neither of us could do it without the other being awake.

I'm praying for you, little ones, until we're together as a family.

No matter how many re-planned sidewalk sales it takes... how many quiet nights... how many lonely days...

It all doesn't matter.

Maybe because, we're already a family.