God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Memoirs of A Crazy (Blessed) Person

Today and yesterday have been really crazy days... at the end of a what-I-thought-was-crazy-but-after-these-past-48hours-maybe-not-so-much week. Try to hold on tight, because...

 here are my random thoughts that are leftover from the last two weeks...

*I got into a really bad fight with my sister-in-law. We have never been each other's favorite person, but we tolerated one another... until finally it bubbled over the edge. It all began when she de-friended me on facebook (doesn't it always?), and I got ballsy enough to ask her why (for the fourth time) did she defriend me. I never thought she'd be so candid. :S Of course, it couldn't stop there. I yelled at Walter, and he called his sister... Her aunt caught wind of it on facebook and then her aunt called my mother-in-law... you know where this is going. But honestly, I'm thankful for it. It may have taken almost two hours on the phone with one another, but I think after yelling, and being honest about our assumptions, and extinguishing false assumptions... we may like each other a tiny bit more.

*Lucy gave us one of the biggest scares of my life last week. Walter had the day off (PRAISE THE LORD FOR THIS) and we tied Lucy and Belle up outside (like we've done a hundred times) so they can eat and play outside while we get a few things done inside. It got quiet- too quiet- and Walter went down to check on them. He later told me what he saw when he looked out the window, and I must tell you it is graphic. Belle was lying on the ground trying not to move and Lucy was lying next to her, mouth and eyes open and not moving. Belle's lead had wrapped around Lucy's neck. We ran outside and were frantically trying to save her. Belle was panicked as well. We couldn't get the lead free or get their collars off- it was just too tangled. It was some of the longest minutes of my life. We were losing Lucy, we both knew it. Finally, Walter ripped the lead from the pole and got enough slack I was able to free Belle and get her inside. I came out just as Walter untangled Lucy. She would not stand or move. Finally, a few hours and a vet ER visit later, she was completely and totally fine. She still acts like it never happened, and all her vitals check out just fine. It gives me chills to touch on the thought of checking on them even one minute later or if Walter would have worked that day.

*This medicine my RE has me on, Metformin, is killing me. I'm supposed to be taking this while eating healthier and going to the gym, however when I take it I just cant eat... and when I do feel like eating, I eat whatever I'm able to get an appetite for (junk). Forget working out! Oh Lord, please be with my stomach and just let me take this medicine so it can help me. Please let me be able to get my butt to the gym soon.

*Speaking of getting my butt up and out the door, I begin Starbucks again on Saturday. I'm terrified. They've been so kind to let me take medical leave and come back, and my manager has worked with me so well. I am terrified I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm worried my medicine will make me sick and the new espresso machines will be complicated and the stress will get to me and I'll just lose it. I feel like I'm loosing it already sometimes.

*I really should check into a Christian counselor, says the same woman who has been saying that for over a year...

*Our 'Sidewalk Sale for Adoption' is this weekend. Donations and boxes have been pouring in. A friend of mine put what I've been feeling beautifully in her blog. She did her first yard sale for her daughter Esther this past weekend, and I loved when she said, "Throughout the fundraising weekend, when I would get tired, or hot, I would think of my sweet Esther sitting in an orphanage. Whatever I was doing, wasn't half as hard as what she was doing." It is so true to my own heart. It really bothers me when I get catch myself thinking, "urgh... what a large pile of stuff to tag, set out, sell... it's going to be a hot, hard day..." because that is NOT my heart. I can't even begin to imagine what orphans go through- even at a very young age. To be lonely, and possibly not have anyone to comfort them. To be sad and crying, and to not have someone care- really care- about their pain. To grow up knowing that the one person who was supposed to protect and love them, could not be there with them today. Instead, I think of a daughter or son sitting up in bed and dreaming of a family- much like I do. I dream of a child who hears the word 'family' and thinks 'love'- not a color of skin, not a certain blood type, and definitely not wealth and vacations. :) Our wealth will be our family.

*Walter and I have been checking out a new church. We are really interested in moving sometime soon when we find out about his work contract, and at one time we would have jumped on the chance to move to Edwardsville. We are not so eager anymore. We feel like it has just gotten packed. Our hearts now live in Shiloh. I'm loving the area right off Green Mount Road and we've been looking around there for a couple of months now. No agent or anything serious just yet, but we can't wait. Yet, we are trying to stay unattached to a 'when' because we have no idea. However, we found a church in the area that we adore. We had been church-shopping a bit here and there for the past year and when a friend invited me to go with her here I knew Walter needed to come look. With ever visit, we were more sure this was our new church. We became members there last weekend, and are looking forward to helping out and becoming 'youth coaches' there. We've decided to stay with Metro until this June, when the kids we teach go on to the next grade. It is a sad chapter in our life to close.

*Walter's vacation time is coming up. June 13-18th we're thinking for our 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm really hoping we can go on a vacation. I promised him a nice, relaxing vacation just being a married couple- no TTC/IVF talk allowed. We just re-financed our home, and will be expecting a check soon... That check will tell us if we're going to Disney (!) or a B&B down the street...

here are my random thoughts that are leftover from the last two days...

*Our AC is on it's way out. After going a few days without it at all, my in-laws had a guy they've used before come over and look at it. What we though would be $60 wound up being $610! I'm thankful my in-laws decided it would be a gift from them, but there's a burden that comes with never being able to repay someone... :( We were also told that if, I mean IF, the AC lasts throughout the season: 1) consider ourselves blessed 2) it will definitely be time to buy a new AC next season- with a $6,000 price tag! :( Along those lines, my clothes dryer has shut-off twice now (in the past 24hrs) in the middle of drying a load... I fear it's next. :( We also got the estimate for the fence we wanted to put in for the dogs and it was $1,000 OVER what I had anticipated. :( Also, our insurance called and they hope to be out soon for to access all the damage the HUGE hail brought in our area this week (my Aveo is beat down bad, the Nitro has a few window chips, and our gutters are beaten, but told us it may be awhile. That's okay, because even the deductible is going to give us a hard month. :( All the while I'm desperately wanting to put 'just a little' out of each paycheck into our adoption fund. Walter and I don't really fight much, but you can believe we fought about money hardcore last night. I have a feeling this is all coming from the fact that this is our first month tithing in over a year. We're pushing through! ...I hope. You better believe we're going to sit down with a pen and pad and try to work it out- again. Adoption, our marriage, God's Will (NOT in that order!)... it's all too important to us not to.

*Walter and I cannot wait until his work gets a little more stable. Right now his contract with the company has expired, and he is working without one. His union and the company are meeting everyday to talk about the future contract (IF there is one!) and it can mean everything from being let go, to getting a $10 hour raise (no joke!), to forced overtime... It's a scary and stressful place for us both to be in and everyday during his work day he has to deal with silly antics the union wants him to do to 'stick it to the man'. He, of course, refuses to do them... but he has to deal with the backlash the company doles out nonetheless. We really hope to move, and begin IVF again, and begin to accept foster children... but everything is on hold until the day we know what has been settled. I feel like I'm in the 2WW again, but this time there is no end in sight... just a lot of waiting... waiting... waiting...

*A friend of mine called, and asked if I would run over to help her get her twin toddler boys in the car so she can take them to the ER. One of them had been vomiting all morning, and was running a 103 fever. I held Nehemiah, the sick one, and tried to calm him and she gathered her things and things for the boys for the hospital. I sat there, and rubbed his back and felt his hot skin, and got him into the car when it came time to leave. After she left I couldn't help but think, "Wow. Am I ready for this?" I have to admit. I am a panic-er. I worry when there is the smaller tinge of uneasiness int he air and I go into full "ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh" mode when there should be worry. God has molded me and worked with me through a lot of my impatience during this infertile journey... maybe my worry will be next.

*Another of my closest friends contacted me. Two of her nephews (twins) wandered from home and found a lake. It is not clear how long they were underwater before they were found. One of the twins is in a nearby hospital and has been recovering well. The other twin was airlifted and is on a breathing machine. His heart rate is strong and stable, but he is not awake. Doctors are concerned he may stay in a vegetative state. Please pray for these boys and their family. Please pray for my good friend.

*A new friend of mine asked me to pray for two pregnant women she knows. One woman pregnant with twin boys and one pregnant with a boy singleton, both were at risk for extremely pre-term delivery. Just a few short hours after I began praying my friend sent me another message telling me the mother of twins did give birth at 19 weeks. Both boys went to live in heaven this morning. It's really heartbreaking stuff. Please pray for both of these women and the baby boy still on this side of heaven.

*Mother's Day is coming up. I struggle with this day. Not only is there no handmade cards for me by any children, all the children I have been blessed with are in heaven. I want to celebrate it so badly, and part of me thinks I should because I am a mother, but a larger part of me thinks I am just celebrating a holiday not made for women like me. It reminds me of the single Valentine's Day before I met Walter- an attempted celebration, but just sad. How will I spend the day?

*I really need to think of something I can do to honor all the amazing mothers in my life as well. 

So there you have it. This may be my final blog before I lose it.
It just all makes you think. How beautiful the Lord can be with the intertwining miracle-making and the fear you have of Him. I just laid in bed last night thinking of how we each are so loved by Him, yet our outcomes and our lives are all so different. He touches each of our lives so differently, so expertly, in the way we need it. We pray for miracles, and sometimes the gift of heaven is the miracle. We pray for patience, and sometimes we get the longest wait of our lives. We pray for financial relief, and we get a burden to stretch further and tithe. It is sad. It is hopeful. It is hauntingly beautiful. Our lives play out so close to one another, and yet we are so enveloped in our own. We never know the battles in one another's hearts.
The quote, "If everyone threw their problems into a pile, upon seeing the rest, they would gladly grab their own back." keeps coming to my mind. It doesn't specify what struggles would be included, but it makes you thankful for your own darkest days. A man who loses her husband is thankful for her children, while I wouldn't exchange my husband for the children of my dreams. It makes me think of my have's not my have not's. I have been blessed to hear, see, and walk. I have been blessed with a home, a husband, pets. I have been blessed with enough money to live and want as well. I have been blessed with friends and church family I would die for.
 Another version I loved: "If every man were to bring his troubles to the marketplace and assemble them all in a great pile, each man, upon seeing the rest, would be content to take his own and return home."
 I have been blessed by so much, I appreciate the 'silly little' have not's. I'll take my broken down AC, large bills, stomachaches, overweight body, fights with family, and yes even my infertility, and I will be grateful for it all.


  1. Oh just now reading this. I was on Metformin for a little while in the beginning. My dr said some people have adverse affects, but I never did - just decreased appetite. However it took my body a while to adjust, and I'd get a headache every time I took it until I got used to it. Hoping it gets better for you!

    Girl if you go to Disney, we will definitely meet up. :) Fingers crossed!

    I'll be praying for your friend and her nephews. I have three nephews and can NOT imagine if that happened to any of them. Heartbreaking.