Still Standing for Infertility

Please do not read this blog if you are easily offended.

I still feel like an 'infertile woman'. I still am an infertile woman! While that may not make sense now that I'm pregnant, it still feels true. I still suffered through those years of infertility. I still understand the pain. I still fear miscarriage. I still know that this may be our only pregnancy we'll be blessed with. We can't 'just have another child'. As a pregnant woman, infertility still stings. It doesn't go away.

I have done my absolute best to be open, honest, loving, and sensitive to those still TTC. Even when I'm beyond nauseous, I smile and say 'Great!' when asked how I'm doing. Even when the aches and pains of pregnancy nag at me, I don't decide to run and update my Facebook status. Even when things aren't as I envisioned, I still feel... so unworthy.

I feel so unworthy for this blessing that has been given to me. I know multiple women who are TTC who would make excellent mothers! Why was I chosen this time? There are women TTC with more money in savings, a cleaner home, a better devotion plan...

Please know that I wake up every morning thanking God for our -now- olive (we call the baby by the weekly produce, lol). I understand your frustration if you're TTC and you're looking at me like I don't deserve this. I've been there. It's been hard for me to handle the other side as well.

I know IVF and ART and IF like the back of my hand... but picking an OB for my baby blows my mind. I still can't help myself to say something when I see a momma complain. It still stings. Not that I don't think I'll complain at the end of a long day with baby, but it's all about where you choose to let those complaints out. Do I complain to my husband about my sore breasts? Yes. Do I complain to my best friend about being STARVING and then suddenly, full? Yes. Do I go to a TTC friend and complain? No! Do I go on Facebook for the world to see my insignificant whines? Absolutely not.

I thank God for this blessing. This blessing I've waited for, and prayed for, and begged for... but I'm still standing for infertility. It is still a part of me. It still hurts, and doesn't go away with baby.

Thank you Walter, Britney, and Sarah who listen to my whines about pregnancy, and still understand it's not my heart. You know that when I (even rarely) slip about needing to pee AGAIN that my heart is still celebrating the fact I am able to be exasperated about my bathroom frequency. :)

And Mommies, Thank YOU for putting up with the fact sometimes I just have to say something. It's not because I think you don't love your children. It's not because I think you're ungrateful. I'm just trying to be a helpful reminder that even when your day is long and hard, each and every one of those sticky little hands are a blessing. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, we forget what we're living with, and all we've been blessed with.

I thank infertility for teaching me that.

Baby Bump #1

This is the first 'bump' photo I've taken. Most of that 'bump' is definitely bloating and fat... but I thought 'ya gotta start somewhere'! I can definitely feel the lower part of my tummy tightening up and getting more 'round' instead of 'fat flubber'. LOL. This was taken at 9w2d.

Bump Update: 9 Weeks

09/19-09/25

How far along?  9 weeks

Size of baby: A green olive. Or, a marble.

Total weight gain/measurements: I've lost even more weight. I think it's due to smaller, healthier meals. I've now lost a total of 10lbs since our egg retrieval (August 7th). I weigh 212. Don't judge. ;)

Maternity clothes: No, but I have been wearing my 'bloaty' clothes... everything feels tighter because I am SO bloated! My T-shirts are definitely riding up on my sides and belly now. lol

Stretch marks: My breasts beginning to show signs of stretch marks, and so is the lower part of my tummy. I began slathering them in cocoa butter this week, haha.

Sleep: Still wanting to go to bed early, but not AS early... sleeping 10 hours a night is not uncommon, however that doesn't account for the 3-4 times a night I wake up to pee. :)

Best moment this week: Seeing our baby again on ultrasound (with my mom and Britney at my side)! WOW! Our little one is GROWING

Miss anything? I would give up ANYthing for this baby and not miss it. However, it seems lke everywhere I look people are drinking white wine. Mmmmm.

Movement: Still got a ways to go.

Food cravings: Not many cravings this week really... I got sick over the weekend and ate a lot of chicken noddle soup, but it definitely wasn't a craving. However I did eat a LOT of soup this week. 54th Street Bar & Grill has the BEST potato soup! On the drive home from my first OB appointment I told Walter I really wanted a 'baseball hotdog' with onions. Funny because I've NEVER had one, and because the smell of onions have been making me really queasy lately!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Riding around in a car. I definitely can't read texts anymore while I drive, and Walter loves it! haha

Gender: Unknown

Labour signs: I've got a long way to go! :)

Symptoms: some nausea, fatigue, achy muscles, HEADACHES!

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: Still pinching myself in delight :) but, um, yes... maybe getting a little moodier... definitely more emotional.

Weekly Wisdom: "Always have hope. You never know what is waiting around the corner or what 2 weeks/6 months/another try can bring..."

What stereotype I Embody: "I love you so much, really, but I want to punch. you. in. the. face!" Urgh. Sorry friends and family.

What I bought this week: My momma bought be a vintage buggy she found on Craigslist after I told her how much I wanted one! It is awesome! 

What I checked off my to-do list: My mom finished painting the nursery. I ordered carpet and cleaned up the room a bit.

Looking forward to: Carpet in the nursery is to be installed the week of Oct 8th! Also: beginning to show... buying a crib... celebrating 12 weeks! Whatever comes first!

Vintage buggy from 1960's!

Ultrasound on 09/20. 8w2d

Here are the crib and changing table I hope to get:

What a Growing Squish!

I seriously can't believe it. I'm still in shock.

Today was my last day as an 'infertility patient' at Washington University Center of Reproduction and Infertility.

It was a great day.

It was a sad day.

Walter was unable to go to this ultrasound, so I brought my mom and my best friend Britney this time. We started off with an ultrasound and it was more amazing than words can say! I can't believe HOW MUCH our little squish is growing! Just 14 days ago he/she was 5mm, and now we're at 19mm! The heart rate went from 116 to 174 in those two weeks as well! Instead of a blob, this baby looks like... a BABY!

First the ultrasound tech started with the 2D ultrasound. She looked at baby, checked my still-enlarged ovaries (still slowly going back to normal), and snapped some pictures. I immediately couldn't believe how big our Squishy grew! I could already make out the shape of a head and little legs! It was incredible!!!

This is what I saw:

You can see the head, the heart, and the beginnings of little legs here! Baby is hanging upside down and the amniotic sac is growing nicely around him/her. (Walter keeps saying the gestational sac looks like Africa, lol)

Then the tech switched on the 3D imaging for us. Can I just say how lucky I am to be a pregnant infertility patient?!?!?! They're definitely not stingy with the print outs (I got SEVEN this time), the zooming up close, the best technology, and doing whatever it takes to make a happy momma!

Tears streamed down my face when I saw this one:

Doesn't he/she look so peaceful? Look closely to see where the eyes are, and even a little nose! You can see the arms and the legs, and even the brain! The ultrasound tech said the "brain is measuring larger" but it wasn't measuring large enough to case concern... sounds pretty perfect to me!

She got a picture of the heart rate:

Heart rate 174 at 8w2d!

...and before I could ask, she allowed me to hear it again!

(Check out my facebook group to hear it! Wallheimer Miracle)

It was also a sad day. I've grown to know these women. They have brightened my days in some of my darkest. They've given me hope. They've given me a shoulder. They've given me my miracle!

I had to do something for them. 

For the staff:

For Andrea (my nurse):

And for the WONDERFUL Dr. Amber Cooper:

After posting in the Wallheimer Miracle group on Facebook and joking about it, I thought I might as well post it here as well. Can give everyone nightmares. The ultrasound tech wanted to get a side profile of the baby, and let's just say the face looks CREEPY at this stage! Britney blamed it on the grande hot chocolate I had beforehand, but I think it's just a teeny tiny skull that is just so strange to see. I think this is why they usually don't do 3D images this early:

LOL

Well, at least it will be a funny shot to shower for our gender reveal party! ;)

(check back for THAT update soon!)

Bump Update: 8 Weeks

09/12-09/18

How far along?  8 weeks

Size of baby: A raspberry. Or, I found a man's comparison list: He says a quarter! :)

Total weight gain/measurements: Still -3lbs!

Maternity clothes: No, but I have been wearing my 'bloaty' clothes... everything feels tighter because I am SO bloated!

Stretch marks: I have a couple on my tummy due to all the bloating, and raised injection sites from IVF (what a pretty mental picture!), hoping that will be the last of them for awhile...

Sleep: I can still sleep most of the day. Sleeping 10-12hours a night is not uncommon. On our day off, Walter and I took a THREE HOUR NAP together. I guess we both just needed it with all this excitement! He's been working overtime, and working really hard since we found out. :)

Best moment this week: Seeing the nursery painted! Thanks to my amazing momma!

Miss anything? I would give up ANYthing for this baby and not miss it. 

Movement: Still got a ways to go.

Food cravings: Pineapple (lots of fruit, really), mashed potatoes, and cheese (BBQ smells good to me now, haven't eaten it, because I really do dislike it... I think lol) Mmmm and Reese's peanut butter cups!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Riding around in a car- I really don't look forward to getting in a car at all. Finally started taking Zofran on Friday and it helped a ton! I can actually drive to work now! Also, the smell of onions are terrible. :S

Gender: Unknown

Labour signs: I've got a long way to go! :)

Symptoms: NAUSEA, fatigue, very sore breasts, achy lower back

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy! THRILLED!

Weekly Wisdom: Been trying to let others do for me. It's been really hard to not move items by myself, or paint by myself... but with all this it's just better to let someone do it if they're willing. 

What stereotype I Embody: "I. AM. STARVING!!!" ...then completely STUFFED after five bites.

What I bought this week: Paint for the nursery! 'Silver Shores' and 'Neptune's Jewel' (much prettier than it sounds!

What I checked off my to-do list: Created a board to start designing our nursery with my momma. Got nursery painted.

Looking forward to: My next ultrasound on the 20th!

Before Pregnancy: Storage Room

Sold items I wasn't using and moved some furniture around in Week 6.

In Week 7 the carpet was torn up, and the room was painted.

New Facebook Group 'Wallheimer Miracle'

I decided to created a 'closed' paged titled 'Wallheimer Miracle'. This is a page where I will share our Bump Updates, ultrasound photos, and nursery happenings. Only those who want to be in the group will see any posts. This is an attempt to be as sensitive to possible (and not annoying to those who are uninterested), but once you're in the group prepare for Wallheimer baby overload! We are beyond thrilled!
Thank you so much friends, for all you are to us.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/221879457941369/

Click the link above to request to join, or just let me know!

Just Rambling On

Hello all!
Just thought I'd drop in and tell you how I how we've been! :)

It's been amazing. Since the ultrasound, I have little-to-no fear anymore. I just know I got a strong one in there that's a fighter! What admiration I have for him/her already!

At five weeks I was really, really worried to not be experiencing morning sickness. But then, the day before our ultrasound, God reaffirmed us. This is how a call went between Walter and I.

I called Walter while driving on the way to work.
"Walter, guess what I just did?!?!?!"
"Um... I don't know babe. You still feeling sick?" Then, excited "Didja throw up?!"
"I THREW UP! I totally pulled over at QT and threw up big time! I mean, I thought I was done at least three different times. I'm late to work because I was throwing up at a gas station!!"
Neither of us could barely contain our true excitement because we were finally living this life.

Yep, we were thrilled that I was puking my guts out in a dirty bathroom of a QT. It is an appreciation I thank our years of infertility for.

The rest of week six and seven was pretty uneventful. Never 'sick enough' to throw up, but BOY. WAS. I. SICK. There were numerous times I wished I could throw up to maybe feel better. But I didn't. Instead I tried ginger ale, and peppermints, and lemon drops, and ginger cookies, and everything else people on Facebook suggested for me and it just didn't help. Finally today, at 7w3d, I called in to get Zofran from my doctor. I took it this morning and haven't thought about it again. I'm not tip-top shape, but it's definitely night and day difference. Still glad I got to 'experience' morning sickness... but now I'm glad to experience the miracle of Zofran. :) lol

Um... let's see... what else?
My mom and husband have been babying me. :) They won't let me be around wet paint, or lift anything heavy, or do too much. At first it was a little annoying, but it's really just sweet. They care for this -now BLUEBERRY- as much as I do, and it's just better to be safe.

My doctor said I could dye my hair though... really ready to get the super-faded teal out. But I was still a little nervous. She said after 8 weeks especially is safe because by then all the 'developing' is about done and all baby's got is 'growing'. I decided that was fair, and I'm going to wait until then.

The nursery (and the rest of the house) is coming right along! And though we are beyond anxious to have our new home built and move into it, this home is going to be a great one if we need to bring baby home here. Can't keep us from dreaming though! :)

My best friend, mom, and sister have already been bitten by the baby-shower-planning-bug (yes, me too!) and they're beginning to toss around ideas. We've already come up with a theme and so many great ideas! Thanks Pinterest! I'm now going to do my best to step out of it and let them plan away!

Ladies TTC, I'm praying for you. Everyday. Know that life for me isn't all about baby, and that I still have time for you if you'd let me be there. You are amazing people. Really.

I'm feeling really blessed, and although this isn't the 'end' of a long journey, it's definitely a nice breath. During our pregnancy we plan to update our foster care profile and change out setting to 'foster to adopt'. This means that, for now, we won't be taking any foster children in... but are willing to adopt if a child needs a home. Trying to search for a little consistency. You can tell I'm a planner. Almost 8 weeks pregnant, and already hopeful for our 'specially chosen' #2.

What can I say? I'm just thrilled to be a momma!

PS: Could there be any more smiley faces in this post?! :)

Bump Update: 7 Weeks

09/07-09/11

How far along?  7 weeks today! My due date was moved up a little bit to May 1st!

Size of baby: A beautiful blueberry!

Total weight gain/measurements: I have now lost 7lbs! My total weight is now -3lbs from conception! 

Maternity clothes: No, but I have been wearing my 'bloaty' clothes... everything feels tighter because I am SO bloated!

Stretch marks: I have a couple on my tummy due to all the bloating, and raised injection sites from IVF (what a pretty mental picture!), hoping that will be the last of them for awhile...

Sleep: I can still sleep most of the day. Sleeping 10-12hours a night is not uncommon. 

Best moment this week: Starting to dream what the nursery will look like... :)

Miss anything? I would give up ANYthing for this baby and not miss it. 

Movement: Still got a ways to go.

Food cravings: Less cravings this week, and more disgusted by most food... Did enjoy eating fruit (like pineapples and strawberries) and salads.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Riding around in a car- I really don't look forward to getting in a car at all.

Gender: Unknown

Labour signs: I've got a long way to go! :)

Symptoms: FATIGUE, very sore breasts, achy lower back, feelings of nausea. 

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: Oh-so-emotional! :S

Weekly Wisdom: Always know where the bathroom is, you never know! I now know where the bathroom is in every restaurant, store, gas station, etc that I visit... and which ones are usually clean!

What stereotype I Embody: "I'm soooo hungry!", "I don't want to eat anything you just named"

What I bought this week: Paint for the nursery!

What I checked off my to-do list: Created a board to start designing our nursery with my momma. Getting very excited! She plans to paint for me on Thursday. :)

Looking forward to: My next ultrasound on the 20th!

My Little Singleton

Last Thursday, my husband and I had our first ultrasound to see our wonderful, wonderful little one. Yes, you read that right. Only one baby was found.

Yes, I'm sad both of my babies couldn't cling on and allow me to hold them. I'm a little disappointed I have to grieve and rejoice at the same time. I don't know exactly how to express my feelings, because I'm afraid others will misinterpret them and think I'm greedy or ungrateful.

However, how can I be sad for long when I think of our little miracle growing inside? He/she has already become more to us than anything else could ever be. Having our first good ultrasound... that actually went pretty WONDERFUL... was one of the best moments of my life.

First, we got to see our beautiful little 'sprinkle'- as I had read that was the size of our baby now. We checked my remaining tube to make sure no baby #2 was in danger, and it was all clear. At 6w2d the sac measured 6w3d and the baby measured 6w1d. The sac was in the top 1/3 of my uterus, and the yolk sac was small. All very good signs I was told.

Then, I got to actually see my baby's heartbeat flicker. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing. I couldn't help but think of the last time we saw a little heartbeat flicker on the screen, our angel Grace... Then the technician mentioned something about hearing the heartbeat! Walter and I looked at each other with surprise! We had no idea we would be able to see and hear the heartbeat so soon! Walter got my phone out and was prepared to record. There was a little struggle at first, but soon the whooshing of the heartbeat filled the room for 11 of the most breathless beats in my lifetime.

I immediately turned to look at my husband... and his reaction was even better than hearing the heartbeat for the first time. His eyes filled with tears. He had the biggest smile on his face. It reminded me of when we had the 'unveiling' done before our wedding. His face was so, so full of love for this tiny little 'sprinkle' already.

Since our ultrasound, neither of us can stop watching the recording we have. We watch it before we go to bed, he watches it before he leaves for work, we watch it when we're sad, or when we're thinking of holding our little one. A wave a relief has washed over me, and I've realized I worry about miscarriage less and less. It could be because our doctor has told us that our chance has now dropped to under 10%... or it could be just because I have faith in the little heartbeat. The heartbeat was 116. Walter calls our little one his 'squish squish' because he can't stop thinking of the great sound of our child's heartbeat.

Life is pretty good around here. I've been stressed with trying to sell the home, and money, and there's been a laundry list of life's surprises taking us a notch down... but we'll take it. We're going to be parents!

Our First Nursery

Nursery by jennythomas on Polyvore
(MUST CLICK TO SEE WHOLE IMAGE)

Butterfly photo, spring, black and white, wings, botanical gardens,...
etsy.com

Bump Update: 6 Weeks

08/31-09/06

How far along? 6 weeks

Size of baby: The size of a pea!

Total weight gain/measurements: Still just those embarrassing 3lbs!

Maternity clothes: No, but I can't wait! They seem sooooo comfy! Haha. I did find a good deal of 6 pairs of maternity pants for $30 on Craigslist, so I bought 'em!

Stretch marks: I have a couple on my tummy due to all the bloating, and raised injection sites from IVF (what a pretty mental picture!), hoping that will be the last of them for awhile...

Sleep: Still not napping, but going to sleep early enough to make your grandparents laugh. I've fallen asleep as early as 7PM this week! I even feel asleep at a friend's house! Sorry Sarah! lol

Best moment this week: OUR FIRST ULTRASOUND!!! Seeing my husband's face while he heard the heartbeat.

Miss anything? I would give up ANYthing for this baby and not miss it. Had my first Coke in 4-6 weeks this week and it was heaven in a cup, but still not as great as being pregnant!

Movement: Cramping gone! Too early for anything else.

Food cravings: Scrambled eggs and chicken! Still pickles and queso as well...

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not specific I think, just waves of nausea come and go. Definitely smelling things more intensely now...

Gender: Unknown

Labour signs: I've got a long way to go! :)

Symptoms: FATIGUE, sore breasts, achy lower back, feelings of nausea. 

Belly button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or moody most of the time: I wouldn't say moody... but definitely emotional. I guess I did get a little irritable this week too. :( But more so crying at everything!

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe. Just breathe. :)

What stereotype I Embody: A sobbing mess at everything from everyday worries to a Pampers commercial. 

What I bought this week: Maternity pants. 

What I checked off my to-do list: Still changing 'the storage room' to 'the nursery'. Thanks to my momma, the old carpet has been torn up! I also sold a lot of the extra furniture in the room as well.

Looking forward to: Shopping for baby!

'Just' One

Here we are, just hours before our first ultrasound! So many questions going through my head!

'Is there a heartbeat?' 

'Is it in the right spot?' 

'Are there more than one?'

...are the top three questions I keep wondering.

With so much time to think about it I begin to think of the possibibilites...

"Okay, so it's early. It's possible there may not be a heartbeat just yet. That's okay. There's no sense in panicking just yet... that just means another ultrasound soon! And I'll get to see him/her/them again. I'll just have to breathe and settle down. It'll be okay."

"What if it's another ectopic pregnancy?! That would be re-living the worst nightmare of my life. (And that's about as far as I'll allow myself to think on this one..."

"What would it be like to see THREE heartbeats?! Or FOUR?! Money would be oh-so-tight, but we'd be oh-so-blessed as well. Haha. I can see God doing that. All my prayers finally following through, and I get a carload all a once. An 'instant family' as everyone keeps saying! lol Oh goodness... I'll have to make sure Walter keeps breathing!"

"'Just' one. What if there's 'just' one? How would I feel?"

I thought I'd put a post about that.

As soon as people find out I'm pregnant from IVF their question is "How many?!" or immediately assume twins. Would I be thrilled with twins? Absolutely. I'm a little afraid to admit this so publicly, but that's what Walter and I prefer! Not to be greedy. No to be 'special'. But solely because we put two adorable little embryos in, and we don't want to handle another loss. But, it can happen. So how would I feel with 'just' one as everyone keeps asking?

Even though I'm guilty myself, I think it's time to remove the 'just'. One baby would be the biggest blessing I've ever received in my life (except my husband, I still believe!) and there's no disappointing 'just' about it! One would be a blessing. One would be beautiful. With one, there is plenty of time to coo over him/her. To spend the time breaking into motherhood. Boy or girl. They would make us a family.

It's hard to say how much I would love and appreciate one, without saying how much I would love and appreciate twins. Or triples. Or the 'q' word Walter and I don't speak a lot of, lol.

Just wanted to go on record before the news it out that we're thrilled. All we want is healthy, and we'll deal with anything thrown at us. Multiples. Either gender. Finances. Whatever.

We have been divinely blessed by our Lord, whether 'just' one or more. :)

A Pregnant Infertile

I wanted to say something that was brought up to me today. Just because I'm pregnant now, does not mean I'm not still infertile. Thank God for the beautiful science of IVF or Walter and I may never have a baby! After this pregnancy, with a baby(ies) on my hip(s)... I'll still be infertile. It still took me over a year to get to where I am now. Hell, we've been technically 'trying' for over four! I still have PCOS, and I'll have it my entire life. I'm still without a tube. I still suffered. I'm still an infertile (not a club I'm thrilled to belong to, but I am)! I'm just pregnant right now.

So, that got me thinking... what's different about a 'pregnant infertile'? After cracking myself up in my car, I'd thought I'd share. Infertiles, let this give you hope. Preggos, let this give you perspective. 

#1. If you complain to your friends about your lack of morning sickness, weight gain, or other terrible symptom... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#2. If you're tempted to text a pregnant friend to ask her if every pain/poop/sneeze/hiccup is 'normal'... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#3. If you still continue to look for sales on pregnancy tests, even after blood work/ultrasound... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#4. If you have memorized the 'normal' HcG level ranges based on days past LMP... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#5. If you knew you were pregnant when your baby was the size of a poppyseed... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#6. If you have already picked out names, and a nursery theme, and dreamed about baby showers... and the only thing left is to dream how fat, sick, and miserable you're about to be (and with a smile on your face!)... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#7. If you've called your doctor to request extra blood work... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#8. If you've considered life with triplets and described it as 'fun and manageable'... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#9. If you are filling out paper work to adopt, while pregnant, in hopes of still adopting soon... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#10. If you count down your next ultrasound by hours... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#11. If you constantly Google symptoms and miscarriage rates... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#12. If you're browsing cribs, toys, and even maternity clothing at week six... you may be a pregnant infertile.

#13. If you thank God for every morning you wake up with sore breasts, if you praise Him every time you vomit, if you can't help but tear up when talking about your miracle from God... you may be a pregnant infertile.