God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Monday, September 3, 2012


I got frustrated continually driving over to St. Louis to have my blood drawn for HcG levels.
Now I wake up seriously bummed and concerned that I don't get to know my levels for the day.

I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant and be treated as a 'normal' pregnant woman.
Yet now I would love to demand an even earlier ultrasound.

I talk to my tummy, and my husband gives it kisses before leaving for work.
But fear strikes me often.

My mind rages with all the things that could go wrong, or things that could be wrong already. I'm thrilled beyond belief... yet I don't think I'm really feeling it all just yet. I'm terrified to celebrate. I'm beyond concerned to buy gifts. I've argued with myself on when to start decorating the nursery.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

So what do you do when you're early pregnant again and fear another miscarriage? You pray. You hope. You dream. You hold on tight that the Lord loves you and will protect you. 

Does it take away all the fear?

Absolutely not.

But it does get me to tomorrow. 

Please be in prayer for our first ultrasound this Thursday. There is so much this appointment can hold. 

Are there heartbeats?

Are the heartbeats in the right spot?
Are there two heartbeats? If not, we have lost another child.
Are the heartbeats strong and healthy?

I'm sure many of these worries are worries ANY mother may have for her first ultrasound, but I can't help but think of my last ultrasound to find a heartbeat. One beautiful heartbeat was found, but not in the uterus, and soon I had to make a decision to have that heartbeat stop. It was the most painful and traumatizing decision I have ever had to make. I would rather die than do that again. 

It tears me apart to be so excited and fearful for something to come. 

I can't wait for the first ultrasound! My husband has the day off, and he's going to hold my hand as we find out the two embryos have embedded and we are having twins! We'll see the little heartbeats and I'll breathe a sigh of relief. I'll go out and buy two cribs and begin the nursery decorating. Our dreams have come true.

Or... I shudder to think of the nightmare that Thursday can be. It could possibly be reliving December 7th, 2010 all over again. Heartbreaking news. Emergency surgery. A lost life and a lost hope.

My mind and heart and hope is torn in two. I'm doing my best to trust God again, but could definitely use some prayer from all of my praying friends. Thank you so much.

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