God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Still Standing for Infertility

Please do not read this blog if you are easily offended.

I still feel like an 'infertile woman'. I still am an infertile woman! While that may not make sense now that I'm pregnant, it still feels true. I still suffered through those years of infertility. I still understand the pain. I still fear miscarriage. I still know that this may be our only pregnancy we'll be blessed with. We can't 'just have another child'. As a pregnant woman, infertility still stings. It doesn't go away.

I have done my absolute best to be open, honest, loving, and sensitive to those still TTC. Even when I'm beyond nauseous, I smile and say 'Great!' when asked how I'm doing. Even when the aches and pains of pregnancy nag at me, I don't decide to run and update my Facebook status. Even when things aren't as I envisioned, I still feel... so unworthy.

I feel so unworthy for this blessing that has been given to me. I know multiple women who are TTC who would make excellent mothers! Why was I chosen this time? There are women TTC with more money in savings, a cleaner home, a better devotion plan...

Please know that I wake up every morning thanking God for our -now- olive (we call the baby by the weekly produce, lol). I understand your frustration if you're TTC and you're looking at me like I don't deserve this. I've been there. It's been hard for me to handle the other side as well.

I know IVF and ART and IF like the back of my hand... but picking an OB for my baby blows my mind. I still can't help myself to say something when I see a momma complain. It still stings. Not that I don't think I'll complain at the end of a long day with baby, but it's all about where you choose to let those complaints out. Do I complain to my husband about my sore breasts? Yes. Do I complain to my best friend about being STARVING and then suddenly, full? Yes. Do I go to a TTC friend and complain? No! Do I go on Facebook for the world to see my insignificant whines? Absolutely not.

I thank God for this blessing. This blessing I've waited for, and prayed for, and begged for... but I'm still standing for infertility. It is still a part of me. It still hurts, and doesn't go away with baby.

Thank you Walter, Britney, and Sarah who listen to my whines about pregnancy, and still understand it's not my heart. You know that when I (even rarely) slip about needing to pee AGAIN that my heart is still celebrating the fact I am able to be exasperated about my bathroom frequency. :)

And Mommies, Thank YOU for putting up with the fact sometimes I just have to say something. It's not because I think you don't love your children. It's not because I think you're ungrateful. I'm just trying to be a helpful reminder that even when your day is long and hard, each and every one of those sticky little hands are a blessing. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, we forget what we're living with, and all we've been blessed with.

I thank infertility for teaching me that.


  1. Amen sister! Your last sentance is how I feel every day ... infertility teaches you a deep appreciation for the miracle of life, of the things that are important (and what is not), and that there can not be enough gratefulness for God's blessings.

    You're doing great. :)

  2. Mommy to be. I understand this all to well. I lost a baby 10 years ago and was unable to conceive again until this summer. Then I lost another little angel. Now we are in our second trimester and hoping this one sticks. We know this is our one chance. DH is unwilling to try again. If things don't work out this time we will move towards adoption. We are grateful, honored, overwhelmed that we will at long last be parents, but we will never forget the lost ones and the ones that just never will be. Such hard lessons to learn, but in the end they will make us stronger women and mothers. Have a blessed day.

  3. Thank you lovely ladies!

    I always think of the quote "If everyone threw their problems into a pile, we'd all grab our own back".

    It's hard to say that 'good' can come out of something that causes the death of your children... but it's looking at it with His eyes. My angels will never feel pain or a broken heart like I have. We will hold them in heaven, after they are raised by our Lord. My husband and I have grown together mourning their absence, I've grown in patience and determination for our children to be, and like Stephanie said... you become to know what is important and what is not. You grow to be GRATEFUL for those days some mommies complain about. :)