God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

24 hours...

In simply just twenty-four hours from now, I'll be at home, already back from my blood work. I won't have the results just yet probably, but I'll have my husband by my side and we're sure to be praying, praying, praying.

Okay... so... truth?
Yesterday I took at HPT. Actually, I took two. I couldn't contain myself. I went to Walgreens, bought a two pack and raced home while drinking water to take them. It was mid-day, and I knew it was too soon to tell. I was prepared to see a negative... or I at least thought I was. While on the phone with my best friend I took a non-digital one. One line. I took the digital one. -NO. I sat, silent and panicking.

What does a woman do when she panics?
1. I called my husband. He didn't panic. He knew it was too soon and that I was silly for choosing to do it now. "There's still hope babe"
2. I called my mom, now crying. She slightly panicked as well. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" she says.
3. I crawled in bed, mad at the world.

4. Then I prayed. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed as hard as I could. After about 30-45 minutes I texted two of my best girl friends, my husband, and a woman who has done IVF before and has become a great help to me.

Soon, I felt crazy. What am I doing? I'm pregnant. I KNOW I am! The first time I said it felt foreign. I haven't said that yet in fear of being wrong. But I said it again. And again. And again. And you know what? I just KNOW I AM pregnant. The test is wrong. The statistics and odds are wrong. I just know my God is going to answer my prayer.

Does that mean I'm just going to skip over to my doctor tomorrow? No. I will be running, crazily, and Lord help you if you're in my way because I'll be dying to have proof that it's a for-sure pregnancy... but in my heart yesterday and today, it feels FOR SURE.

I called this morning to see if I could get am ultrasound done tomorrow in any way vs blood work. They were understanding, but told me they wanted a for-sure before we did a go ahead. So instead of a time (8:30-10:30 AM) where all the women who did their transfer on the same day come in, I now have an appointment at 7:30AM. If my numbers look odd for any reason, I'll go back and we may do the ultrasound. I know I'm looking for a beta number around 20 for it to be a viable pregnancy.

UPDATE: I seriously love my doctors. After my phone call this morning, I've had two phone calls to check up on me and make sure I'm doing okay. We are going to be 'cautiously optimistic' about the results tomorrow and I have been moved up to the next earliest time for the 2nd beta testing!

Please, please, please pray for me as hard as you can for these next 24 hours. Pray for my babies, pray for my sanity, pray for my husband dealing with it all, pray for the doctors to be patient and quick, pray to the Lord that I'll be a pregnant momma tomorrow!

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