God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

IVF#1 BFN- Learning to Enjoy this Season

Most of you have seen on Facebook, but I thought it was time to update the blog as well.

My beta test was negative. The did not even give me a number because there wasn't a doubt I wasn't pregnant. Andrea, my favorite assistant, called me. I think she asked to. We have a special bond I like to think. It was nice, well as nice as it could be, to hear it from her. However, I know it from the first word out of her mouth. The phone rang, and I grabbed Walter's hand and I think we sucked all the air out of the room. "Jennifer, do you have a minute? It's Andrea." I looked at Walter and shook my head 'no'. I listened to her that the results were negative, and unfortunately my doctor is out of the office for the next week, so we'll have to wait and schedule my follow-up until she gets back and we could then talk about trying again. I mustered all my strength to tell her 'thank you' and hang up before bawling. After a few minutes, I began making the calls. Walter's parents were in the basement, and he went to tell them. I called my mother, my best friends, and sent out a text before posting on Facebook 'I am not pregnant. Thank you for your prayers.'

Thank you for all of your sweet comments. They continued to give us encouragement and strength throughout the day:

Laura Motl OH honey I'm so sorry. Call me if you need anything. :::hugs:::

Jill Winslow Oh Jenny! I'm sad. :( I'll keep praying for you as you grieve.

Connie Hunt Heart is broken for you two.

Caleb Thorpe ‎:(

Gretchen Day Fricke Oh, I'm so sorry. Prayers are still coming your way. I hate this roller coaster you are on. There are no words....it just sucks.

Holly Cunningham Still praying girl!

Erika Brynildsen Jen, u and Walter r in my prayers

Casey Lovejoy Jen. I am so sorry :( I will have you in my prayers. Please let me know if there's anything you need.

Rachel Paolucci My heart is broken for you guys too. I'm praying for you!

Marina Ochoa Stringham Oh no, I'm sorry ...I will most def keep you guys in my prayers , when you least expect it will happen honey. Love you.

Nathan Mangoff I'm so sorry...

Vicki Reese Lowry Oh Jen I have been in your shoes! Our first round of IVF was not successful and I remember the day oh so vividly. I was ready to give up and felt like I would never be a mom. I didn't even want to go to the "follow up" appointment as I felt there was no point to hash it all out - I was NOT pregnant, I get it thank you very much! After a few days and MANY MANY tearful prayers, God gave me the ability to accept it and move forward....yes, to a second try....a SUCCESSFUL second try! Please know I am praying for you and Walter that God will comfort, calm and hold you close.

Shannan Morton I am so sorry for you both. Let your faith help you to find the strength to move beyond this to the next step ~ whatever that may be.

Marie Woitovich-Colon Big hugs and kisses to you both. If at first you dont succeed....love you both.

Keely Hummert Giles So sorry Jen. Praying for you guys...

Kimberly Green sucky. I'm sorry.

Danielle English Nyswonger Sorry. I so wish that your results were different. Love and prayers for you both.

Carrie Triplo I'm so sorry Jen....

Erin Goebel Sorry.

Amanda Leezy Zika Sorry :(

Hannah Bilau I'm so sorry, I'm praying for you and Walter! God has a plan for this though, I'm sure of it :)

Donitta Prather Sorry

Emily Oleary im sry jenny!!!!! well you still have me!!! remember im a wallheimer!!! :)

Hannah Nafziger Sorry:(

Daven Allen ‎(((HUGS)))

Kathy Weible McBride dang it..sorry

Sarah M. Starrett ‎*big hugs* I am sorry for this loss :( We will continue to pray for you both, especially to feel God's peace among the pain and uncertainty. I love you, friend.

Rachel Byrnes I wish I had the words to say that would make everything better for you. I am praying for you, friend, and my heart is hurting with you. All I know is that Jesus is still on the throne, he loves you, and has a plan.

Vanessa Austin Uhls Josh and I are praying for you. I am glad to know you won't give up. Stay strong, and have faith.

Jamie Horstmann Praying for peace and comfort for you both!

Jamie Bricker-Mitchell ((( ))) ♥ you!

Leah Whitaker "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." You are strong, beautiful, and loved.

Thank you to the Starrett's, for your continued prayers, encouragement, and support- you are two of the best people we have in our life. Mike, thank you for my new blog song. :)
Thank you especially to Sean for your amazing phone call. I know it's in print, but you have no idea how much that cheered us.
Thank you Jolana, for your prayers and help.
Thank you Vicki for our future lunch date and for your 'been there' comment.
Thank you to Andrea, I have a feeling she pulled to make the call.

We went to lunch with his parents, and dinner with my family. I have to admit both were tough- especially dinner with my sister, her two children, and her big pregnant belly.

It was also very painful that within 24 hours of our news two friends announced their pregnancy- one right before and one right after our test. I am so, so happy for them both. It just stings very deep.

Last night my Facebook status was, 'How am I doing? Broken hearted, but still in love with the Lord our God and my husband dearly. Learning to take it hour by hour and praying and waiting for what happens next. Thank you for your continued prayers. We are blessed.' and I meant it.

I still have times where I bust into tears during the most random of moments. Pampers commercials should be outlawed. In fact, we cancelled our TV. No lie.

Walter took a personal day yesterday and we spent the day comforting each other, cheering each other up, and planning for our next course of action. We combed through our budget and knocked everything down. We talked and prayed about IVF cycle #2, IVF with a donor egg, adopting embryos, adopting a child in the states, adopting a child from out of the country... and all I can say is we're not making the decision now. Walter and I are taking some time to ourselves and get our lives together. We're spending this year getting healthy, getting financially secure, growing spiritually, and learning to enjoy this season.

Please keep up in your prayers, and thank you for being awesome friends, church family, mentors, etc. We both feel very blessed in the midst of our heartbreak because of each one of you. Keep us in your prayers that, with God, we agree on our next step forward and that we just continue to grow closer as we have been. I could not do any of this with my husband's unbelievable love.


  1. Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. I feel your pain with being surrounded by pregnancy... seems I have another friend who announces their pregnancy at leat once a week, sometimes more. I've lost track of how many pregnant friends I have.

    Hang in there. It sounds like you're keeping the right perspective... even though it's tearing your heart up. hugs!

  2. Thank you, as always, for you love and support Stephanie. :)