There are days my darlings, that I cannot imagine living my entire life without meeting you. I imagine the milestones, the vacations, the moments we will miss as a complete family. My whole life will be incomplete without you here.
But there are also days, days like today, where I am glad you are not here.
Please do not think it's because I don't yearn to hold you! Because I do. I yearn to count your little toes and to sweep what little hair you may or may not have away from your forehead...
But I know you are in heaven- a place without pain- and you are sitting on the lap of God. It is better than life here, and what can of mother would I be if I wished to take that away from you? That is all I want for you lovelies- to have a better life than I, and to be happy- I know you are taken care of.
Sometimes I think of you, Gracie, leading your little brothers and sisters around a place full of sunshine. I may not know what heaven is like, but in my mind it's a beautiful field you're playing tag in, or it's under a shady tree for a picnic. Sometimes even it's a large enough bed to fit each of you in, where you snuggle together and dream about the day we will meet.
Your Daddy and I miss you all very much. We may not know your face, and we may not know your names... but we know who made you. You were made by our Lord for us and even though we got each of you for just a short time here, we know we get to spend an eternity with you.
We've been praying and waiting on names for you. Grace, you were named one month after you went to heaven. Mommy was going through a very hard time, and was mad at God. Then, on her way to lunch with a friend, she heard a song on the radio and for the first time felt peace. She felt like God was saying, "I'm protecting her with grace". I immediately knew that was your name. Even when Mommy was mad at God for taking you, He was protecting us both because of His overwhelming Grace.
I've been praying for names. God keeps giving me six names. What am I missing?
One month ago today I was told that I was no longer pregnant. I immediately knew you each were in heaven. I know the doctors don't believe the way we do, and we are lucky to be able to be a couple in their lives that can show them different. You each are a REAL person, waiting for us. You're EACH my one-in-a-million chance of having YOU. There will never, ever, ever be another you.
Update: Later during prayer I realized that one of the names were not being given as a name of our children, but as a reminder of hope for the future.
I love you, my children.
Grace Wallheimer 2010
Esther Delilah Wallheimer 2012 "Star, One Who Weakened"
Daniel Wallheimer 2012 "God is My Only Judge"
Isaiah Wallheimer 2012 "God is Salvation"
Ezekiel Wallheimer 2012 "God Will Strengthen"
Saul Wallheimer 2012 "Borrowed from Heaven"