God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Life. ONE in a MILLION

It was a bit of a emotional struggle, but also has definitely grown me. It's now official. Mosaic training is completed! I learned so much material, and am still learning as I read the manual over to refresh. Even more than knowledge, I know my heart is grown. There is far less judgement (I'd be lying if I said none!) to the woman who is thinking or has had an abortion. I can sympathize and begin to understand her pain. God gives us all trials, and because mine is a trial without does not mean that a trial with can be any less traumatic or teachable. I no longer want to scoff and glare... I want to help them.
Monday we sat and learned about the actual process of abortion. It was painful. Not only because it was hard to hear what was done to the babies, but what was done to these poor women! Most have no idea what they're getting into until it's too late.

We held these small babies and most women got to see what these babies look like at such an early stage. There were times I could do nothing but think of my Grace.

One thing Kathy (their instructor) taught us to share with these women were that their babies were literally "one in a million". Out of a million sperm, that could have made a million different babies... this one sperm and one egg came together to make this baby. This baby can never, EVER be recreated. Sure, these women may be able to get pregnant again (if their bodies are lucky to fight the scaring an abortion can create) but this baby will never be again. Such a beautiful thing. Mothers, think of that with your children. Could you imagine having different children? ONE in a MILLION.

Beautiful... and also sad. It made me realize that even if I am able to get pregnant again, that I have (at least) six beautiful babies that are gone and will never, ever be able to be recreated. Each one of them are so special.

Not a day goes by I don't think of them. I've wondered if I should name the other five. A lot of the women I've talked to with miscarriages choose to not name their miscarried children, but I've been thinking about it and really like the idea. If I'm going to tell everyone that I believe in life at conception and that they are children... why wouldn't I name them?

What do you think?


  1. I probably won't ever name the children I've lost. I will look forward to doing that when I'm in Heaven with them. :)

    You are so amazing and I just love where you are in life right now. I wish I was brave enough to counsel women like you will. Your heart is so big and you are so strong!!!!! Love you girlie, keep it up! I think about you all the time.


  2. Thank you Leah.
    It's really not me, it's God working and stretching me... I think He's really preparing me for something bigger than I can imagine. :) I'm now ready to let Him mold and form me til it's time.

  3. I've been thinking of asking if you were naming the five you lost with IVF... No judgement if you don't, but since you're asking, my 2 cents worth is that you named Gracie, so shouldn't they get names this side of heaven as well?

  4. I've been leaning towards naming them as well. Or, praying for names, more likely. I really didn't name Gracie, I really think God did. I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch exactly one month after the surgery when 'Grace like Rain' came on the radio. It was the first time I felt peace, and heard God in my heart say, "I'm taking care of her. Grace."

    Makes me smile just thinking of it.