God writes our story.
I am still learning to surrender the pen.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bad Day Blues

Urgh, I even hate to say it was a 'bad day' because hey, I might be pregnant and that would make every day of the next nine months like heaven...
But today was an emotional funk that I just couldn't get out of. I felt like Eeyore. There was nothing to cause this mood- except, then there was...

A job I've been waiting for, and talking with the parents, for over a month finally came to a close today. I interviewed a month ago and it seemed like a wonderful job, family, and deal for us all. My asking price began at $550/week but that I was very negotiable. For those of you who don't have any nanny-experience, this is a very fair price to begin talking with. For a job that cares for your highest priority in life (your children) who receives no benefits, I (for the most part) have no problem starting here. However, usually settling in the $400's. Anyways, after a month of stringing me along (and talking me down a couple hundred dollars), they just weren't willing to work with me at all and we had to part ways. So frustrating. I wish they would have been able to be upfront about their budget so I would have been able to keep looking instead of wait for something I thought was going to work out. But, I guess that's my fault too.

I then eagerly checked the mail for an order I've been expecting. Even though I had to pay a high price for two-day shipping (there was no other option) it has been almost a week and still no delivery. I had ordered pictures from Printstagram, and was hoping to have them for the weekend... and then I had hopes for them to be in by Craft Night tonight... It was disappointing.

Finally, of all days, the nurses at my RE's office were ahead of schedule. They called today with my cyropreservation results. Heart-breakingly so, none of the 6 remaining embryos survived. Another six beautiful Wallheimer children in heaven, and our hope turns to the two in my womb (hopefully). My heart can barely hold the new loss and grief this news brings.

With all this said, God brought a special message into my life. I got a Facebook message asking, "How do you stay so strong in your faith through this?"
It took me some thought and prayer to respond, but I finally did:

"You asked how I'm able to stay strong in my faith through this, and I would love to tell you.
Firstly, I must say faith is just that- faith. There is nothing I can show you or tell you to make you truly believe, unless you're ready to have faith.
However, I can also tell you this. I see and feel things every day that helps me to grow stronger in my faith. It has been a journey, my infertility, and not a journey where I can honestly say I've held steadfast in my faith consistently. 
God knows what He's doing, and ultimately, when we look back more mature I think we can see that. I can cry and whine about my life (and sometimes I do!) or I can think that His plan is greater than my plan.
When my husband and I first start trying, I wanted a baby more than he did, and our marriage was an absolute mess. We threatened divorce with every argument, and I think we believed it when we said it. It took years of struggle and opposition for us to get on a team. It was not the time to have a baby, but we wanted one so who cared. I'm so glad I didn't get pregnant then.
Now, I love my husband more than I could have ever imagined. He is my teammate and he is everything, and neither of us can barely wait to bring a baby home! We don't have a lot of money, but we can make due. 
When I lost our first child in December of 2010, I didn't pray for months. I cursed at God and told Him He was a bully. Our marriage was again shaky because my husband turned to God to help and I couldn't bear to hear him pray.
But my husband and I weren't 'there' yet. God has something better in mind. Does that mean getting pregnant this IVF round after my husband and I have healed together? Maybe. Maybe it means adopting a child who longs for parents as much as we long for children (that would really teach us to make better financial decisions! lol).
Everyday I have to hold onto His promises that He says in His word. Psalm 113:9 is a favorite "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" and so is Romans 8:28 "That to those loving God all things do work together for good, to those who are called according to purpose"
If you have trouble believing, and can't take the leap: do what I did. Pray to Him and ask him for something. A sign, a healing, a lifted spirit to show He is God... and He will do it. 
Talk to me anytime love.

 And that, my friends, is what keeps me holding on until tomorrow. :)


  1. Oh. Wow. Go me lol. I'm glad my question came at a time that helped you.

  2. So, when I first started to comment, I was going to say I was so heartbroken for the 6 more babies that are now at home in heaven, but I had to stop myself. I'm so heartbroken, for you and Walter, and the pain that (I refuse to say loosing, so rather I'll go with) this separation brings you. But I am not heartbroken for your little ones, that will never experience the hurt that this world can bring, and for never being changed by it. They are now seated with our Father in heaven, and what a glorious thing it must be for them. So try to remember that as you grieve your separation. Something that the Pastor said in Luke's funeral has stuck with me through these past few months, and I will remind you of it now. Remember the story of King David's son dying? And how he said, though my son will not return to me, I WILL GO TO HIM. (paraphrasing here) Hold strong in the knowledge that you will go to your little ones someday and will have a reunion that will be a sight to behold.

  3. That part hit right to my heart too Laura. It was such a beautiful and sad thought. Thank you for the reminder.

  4. I'm still praying for you! I can't wait to hear the news in a few short (or long?!?) days! Hang in there.