This morning we got the phone call that our transfer would be today at 10AM. I was asleep (finally) and faintly heard the ringing... but before my brain could function, my husband snatched my phone off the table and ran outside. I snuggled back in to sleep, and then at remembering what the call was about shot up and ran to the screen door where he was finishing the conversation. I showed up in just enough time to hear the nurse tell my husband 'see you soon!'.
The biggest rule of transfer day is to have a full bladder because it makes transfer easier. So at 9AM I was to empty my bladder and then drink at least 32oz. of water. Last time, I was SUCH an over-achiever they actually gave me a Dixie cup to release that small of amount. It was torture. Not wanting that to happen again, I drank sloooowly on the way to the office. Little did I know that Friday transfers were POPULAR. So we waited. And waited. And waited.
Finally, we were taken back to our room to get scrubs on. Where we waited. And waited. And waited.
"Well, good news and bad news. Good news? They're better than last time! Are you ready for the bad news?"
"Well... here it comes anyway... they're still not exactly where we'd like to see them. AND even though you've got two okay ones for transfer, the rest look pretty grim" He then opens my chart and pulls out the pictures of my little ones. I can see they're better... but I'm still hesitant. We find out that of the 6 we will NOT be transferring, the doctor really only has hope for one. It is a 6-cell with 20% fragmentation. "If any of these can make it, this one will." I see the the rest of the embryos are 4 cells and fewer (some only ONE cell still) with all the way up to 50% fragmentation. My poor beautiful, beautiful babies. They'll need a miracle. We will get their update Wednesday.
It's hard to mourn, because I'm embarrassed to say I'm still holding my breath for the two that will soon be in my womb. We find out that we have a 6-cell with only 5% fragmentation and an EIGHT CELL with 10% fragmentation! We did it! We did it everyone! Walter and I made a miracle child, with eight small cells that I already love so so so dearly.
Here are our little ones' first photo:
To compare, here is Daniel & Delilah from our IVF cycle in March that resulted in a miscarriage:
The transfer went very well, and very quick, and then it was to our room again so I could lie on my back for 45 minutes and wait. We entered our room at 11:11AM and when I saw the clock I squeaked "Make a wish!" -not caring what the nurse thought. :) This is when I texted family and friends and was able to update those closet to me, and those praying for us.
Walter made his first 'Daddy move' for these two as he kissed my tummy while I texted away. I was able to snap a pic.
I have people in my life that are all across the board on 'the whole pro-life thing'. And that's okay. I have my heart invested in my beliefs, and I pray that whatever you believe that you do as well. It's okay if some of you think I'm crazy claiming to be pregnant already, and literally missing 'just a few cells back at the lab'. All I wish is that you at least try to understand.
Would my doctors say I was pregnant? Absolutely not. It is far, far too early and so many things could go wrong. My pregnancy will not count until it is proven by a blood test in two weeks that these little guys have snuggled in. If it's a negative, it's a 'failed cycle' to them, not a miscarriage.
What about my husband? What about my best friends? Do they believe I'm pregnant? Absolutely. Right now, I have two small babies in me that I pray will snuggle in their Momma. I have the blessing to know the moment we've conceived and the moment my children have made it to my uterus. Maybe you didn't know this when you were pregnant with your child, but they grew and they have become the child you have come to know and love more than life itself. These little cells are so much to me. They're my children. They're my biggest hope and dream. They're my future. They're the loves of my life. That goes for my kiddos still 'back in the lab' as well. They're mine and my husbands. They probably have an easily addictive personality like me, or a stubborn streak like my husband. They will forever be as much of children as my children who I will someday hold in my arms. Please, believe differently if you want. But please, don't ever forget that when talking to me.
I cannot begin to tell you how much I love and adore my dear friends who have filled me with hope with their encouraging words. As a joke last week, I made a comment about 'pregnancy cravings' even though I definitely wasn't pregnant- and I had a friend comment that I in fact was 2 weeks pregnant! :) I had another friend comment that she was 'praying for us two! (or three!) (or four!)'- not knowing how many embryos we had. Thank you. Thank you so much for all you are to me, my husband, and our children.
Please keep remembering us in your prayers.
Someday, when my child has a hard day at school, or possibly skins their knee riding their bike... I will be able to hold them on my lap and rock them back and forth (back and forth) and let them know that I have literally loved every cell in their body and forever will.
To the angels waiting for us:
Grace Wallheimer 2010
Daniel Wallheimer 2012
Delilah Esther Wallheimer 2012
Ezekiel Wallheimer 2012
Isaiah Wallheimer 2012
Saul Wallheimer 2012